Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 18
Michelle Dison…..Kristen Wiig
Bonnie Cox…..Scarlett Johansson
Gil: Well, it looks like were gonna have beautiful weather for the antique car show. [Cackles for no good reason and nods to the side to whoever got that joke] And now Im happy to announce the return of one of our favorite correspondents. She took a leave of absence for about six months and now shes back and were just so pleased, Michelle Dison. Good to see you, Michelle.
Michelle Dison: Hi, Gil. Nice to see you. Thank you. First off let me say, I am so happy to be back doing my favorite segment, Around the Town . And today, Gil, we are going to meet a real hero. As Marty reported earlier there was a fire at the Cedar Brook Apartments on East Elm just a few hours ago and the residents here are thanking one very special individual for warning them of the blaze, leading to a safe escape for all. Oh, and here she is, Bonnie Cox. Bonnie?
Bonnie Cox: Oh my God. Am I really on TV? [Looks her up and down] I, I shouldve done something with my hair. I, I didnt exactly have any time today, you know, with the fire and all so.
Michelle Dison: [Staring dreamily] Oh, sorry, where did I go?… No, uh y y your hair looks great. You, you look great [points] . So, so, um So-so Bonnie, how does it feel to uh, to be a hero?
Bonnie Cox: Oh, no, I wouldnt really call myself a hero necessarily.
Michelle Dison: Well Ive been talking to a lot of your neighbors and thats exactly [points] what theyre calling you. Now, Bonnie Im sorry, can I interrupt myself here? Um [Finger point] You. Are. Stunning. [Holds microphone out]
Bonnie Cox: Thank you.
Michelle Dison: Uh your, your face, uh your skin, its like a doll. Youre like a doll, a doll that I would buy. [Giggle] And I dont even buy dolls, but Id want you. No, Im not saying that I want you but if you were a doll I would want a you doll uh for my doll collection, which I would immediately start. [Giggles coyly and holds microphone out]
Bonnie Cox: Um.
Michelle Dison: So, uh Bonnie this, this was a very dangerous fire and you saved a lot of lives today.
Bonnie Cox: Well I just, I reacted like anyone would.
Michelle Dison: No, believe me, you are not like anyone who have reacted would. [Holds microphone out]
Bonnie Cox: Uh, Im sorry, was that a question?
Michelle Dison: Ah [Giggles] Bonnie . [Giggles and points] Hilarious hero alert! And Sexy . [Shrugs and holds microphone out] Uh, uh so-so Bonnie, walk us through uh, what happened the moment you realized the building was on fire.
Bonnie Cox: Um. Okay, well I was getting ready to go to the gym.
Michelle Dison: Of course you were. [Nodding and looking at her body]
Bonnie Cox: And um, I smelled smoke so I ran into my kitchen because I thought it might be coming from my apartment and then I realized that it was coming from the hallway [totally checking her out] um, so I immediately just started pounding on my neighbors doors.
Michelle Dison: That is incredible. You know what else is incredible? [arm swing]..uh incredibly.. host.. close to here where we could go after this [arm swing] uh, is The Old Spaghetti Factory. [Giggles] So thats [Finger point] where we could go um after this. Together. [Holds mic out].
Bonnie Cox: What?
Michelle Dison: Uh, it it its just right down the street and I am starving and you said you like spaghetti, right? [holds mic out]
Bonnie Cox: I dont know whats going on.
Michelle Dison: Youve got it going on! [Giggle and point] . Anyway ..
Gil: [Cut to Gils face eyes back and forth, frozen] Uh, Bonnie, do they have any idea how this fire mightve started?
Bonnie Cox: Um, well I just talked to the fire chief and he said it was most likely due to an electrical fire.
Michelle Dison: I know how it got started [points up]. Uh, I read this somewhere, this is true. Do you know what the leading cause of apartment fires is? Heh, Her Body [points at her]. No what am I, what am I saying?
Bonnie Cox: Um, Im Im gonna go get .
Michelle Dison: Get changed for our spaghetti dinner? Who said that?? Uh, no, its very casual. Um, have you, have you been to the The Old Spaghetti Factory? Uh, I mean you can, you can wear what youre wearing. My ex-husband and I used to go there a lot. Um, have you been to the The Old Spaghetti Factory, Gil?[Cut to Gils face: blinks in silence]
Michelle Dison: Okay. Uh, Im sorry. That was weird. Like you and I are gonna go to The Old Spaghetti Factory together. Thats crazy. Im sorry I dont know whats got into me I guess, Im hungry, I guess. Um, uh, I guess, so, one more question, if you dont mind, about the fire, um do you, um do you like cruises [swaying like a young girl in a dress]? Bonnie, because I, I heard Carnival Cruise lines they have this package for, for two people. Its quite a deal. Uh, my treat obviously. Gonna be just like The Old Spaghetti Factory would be my.. .
Bonnie Cox: Um, I Im sorry, I hope this doesnt come out sounding mean, but I, I dont know how to ask it any other way: is there something wrong with you?
Michelle Dison: Oh, oh – do you wanna talk about that now instead of at The Old Spaghetti Factory?
Bonnie Cox: Im, no. No, I I Immmmm allergic to spaghetti.
Michelle Dison: Oh, they have chicken.
Bonnie Cox: You, you have been very inappropriate and have made me feel very uncomfortable. And Im gonna leave now. [Totally checks her out as shes walking away]
Michelle Dison: Uh, Gil?
Gil: Yeah, Michelle.
Michelle Dison: So I, I should I should take some more time off?
Michelle Dison: Okay.
Cat: Mrow. [Cat comes outta no where and mauls her in the face. And then you see the pole they used to make the cat airborne ] Reeeer.
Gil: Well, that was embarrassing. You are welcome youtube. Well be right back.
Submitted by: Ms. Galen Gregor