SNL Transcripts: Scarlett Johansson: 04/21/07: WIIX News



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 18







06r: Scarlett Johansson / Bjork

WIIX News

Gil…..Jason Sudeikis
Michelle Dison…..Kristen Wiig
Bonnie Cox…..Scarlett Johansson

Gil: Well, it looks like we’re gonna have beautiful weather for the antique car show. [Cackles for no good reason and nods to the side to whoever got that joke]… And now I’m happy to announce the return of one of our favorite correspondents. She took a leave of absence for about six months and now she’s back and we’re just… so pleased, Michelle Dison. Good to see you, Michelle.

Michelle Dison: Hi, Gil. Nice to see you. Thank you. First off let me say, I am so happy to be back doing my favorite segment, Around the Town . And today, Gil, we are going to meet a real hero. As Marty reported earlier there was a fire at the Cedar Brook Apartments on East Elm just a few hours ago and the residents here are thanking one very special individual for warning them of the blaze, leading to a safe escape for all. Oh, and here she is, Bonnie Cox. Bonnie?

Bonnie Cox: Oh my God. Am I really on TV? [Looks her up and down] I, I should’ve done something with my hair. I, I didn’t exactly have any time today, you know, with the fire and all so.

Michelle Dison: [Staring dreamily] Oh, sorry, where did I go?… No, uh y y your hair looks great. You, you look great [points]…. So, so, um… So-so Bonnie, how does it feel to uh, to be a hero?

Bonnie Cox: Oh, no, I wouldn’t really call myself a hero necessarily.

Michelle Dison: Well I’ve been talking to a lot of your neighbors and that’s exactly [points] what they’re calling you. Now, Bonnie… I’m sorry, can I interrupt myself here? Um… [Finger point] You. Are. Stunning. [Holds microphone out]

Bonnie Cox: Thank you.

Michelle Dison: Uh your, your face, uh your skin, it’s like a doll. You’re like a doll, a doll that I would buy. [Giggle] And I don’t even buy dolls, but I’d want you. No, I’m not saying that I want you… but if you were a doll I would want a you doll… uh for my doll collection, which I would immediately start. [Giggles coyly and holds microphone out]

Bonnie Cox: Um.

Michelle Dison: So, uh Bonnie this, this was a very dangerous fire and you saved a lot of lives today.

Bonnie Cox: Well I just, I reacted like anyone would.

Michelle Dison: No, believe me, you are not like anyone who have reacted would. [Holds microphone out]

Bonnie Cox: Uh, I’m sorry, was that a question?

Michelle Dison: Ah… [Giggles] Bonnie…. [Giggles and points] Hilarious hero alert! And… Sexy…. [Shrugs and holds microphone out] Uh, uh so-so Bonnie, walk us through uh, what happened the moment you realized the building was on fire.

Bonnie Cox: Um. Okay, well I was getting ready to go to the gym.

Michelle Dison: Of course you were. [Nodding and looking at her body]

Bonnie Cox: And um, I smelled smoke so I ran into my kitchen because I thought it might be coming from my apartment and then I realized that it was coming from the hallway [totally checking her out] um, so I immediately just started pounding on my neighbor’s doors.

Michelle Dison: That is incredible. You know what else is incredible? [arm swing]..uh incredibly.. host.. close to here where we could go after this [arm swing] uh, is The Old Spaghetti Factory. [Giggles] So that’s [Finger point] where we could go um after this. Together. [Holds mic out].

Bonnie Cox: What?

Michelle Dison: Uh, it it it’s just right down the street and I am starving and you said you like spaghetti, right? [holds mic out]

Bonnie Cox: I don’t know what’s going on.

Michelle Dison: You’ve got it going on! [Giggle and point]…. Anyway…..

Gil: [Cut to Gil’s face eyes back and forth, frozen] Uh, Bonnie, do they have any idea how this fire might’ve started?

Bonnie Cox: Um, well I just talked to the fire chief and he said it was most likely due to an electrical fire.

Michelle Dison: I know how it got started [points up]. Uh, I read this somewhere, this is true. Do you know what the leading cause of apartment fires is? Heh, Her Body [points at her]. No… what am I, what am I saying?

Bonnie Cox: Um, I’m I’m gonna go get….

Michelle Dison: …Get changed for our spaghetti dinner? Who said that?? Uh, no, it’s very casual. Um, have you, have you been to the The Old Spaghetti Factory? Uh, I mean you can, you can wear what you’re wearing. My ex-husband and I used to go there a lot. Um, have you been to the The Old Spaghetti Factory, Gil?

[Cut to Gil’s face: blinks in silence]

Michelle Dison: Okay. Uh, I’m sorry. That was weird. Like you and I are gonna go to The Old Spaghetti Factory together. That’s crazy. I’m sorry I don’t know what’s got into me I guess, I’m hungry, I guess. Um, uh, I guess, so, one more question, if you don’t mind, about the fire, um do you, um do you like cruises [swaying like a young girl in a dress]? Bonnie, because I, I heard Carnival Cruise lines they have this package for, for two people. It’s quite a deal. Uh, my treat obviously. Gonna be just like The Old Spaghetti Factory would be my..….

Bonnie Cox: …Um, I I’m sorry, I hope this doesn’t come out sounding mean, but I, I don’t know how to ask it any other way: is there something wrong with you?

Michelle Dison: Oh, oh – do you wanna talk about that now instead of at The Old Spaghetti Factory?

Bonnie Cox: I’m, no. No, I I I’mmmmm allergic to spaghetti.

Michelle Dison: Oh, they have chicken.

Bonnie Cox: You, you have been very inappropriate and have made me feel very uncomfortable. And I’m gonna leave now. [Totally checks her out as she’s walking away]

Michelle Dison: Uh, Gil?

Gil: Yeah, Michelle.

Michelle Dison: So I, I should… I should take some more time off?

Gil: Yeah.

Michelle Dison: Okay.

Cat: Mrow. [Cat comes outta no where and mauls her in the face. And then you see the pole they used to make the cat airborne…] Reeeer.

Gil: Well, that was embarrassing. You are welcome youtube. We’ll be right back.

Submitted by: Ms. Galen Gregor

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