SNL Transcripts: Scarlett Johansson: 04/21/07: WIIX News


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 18

06r: Scarlett Johansson / Bjork


Gil…..Jason Sudeikis
Michelle Dison…..Kristen Wiig
Bonnie Cox…..Scarlett Johansson

Gil: Well, it looks like we’re gonna have beautiful weather for the antique car show. [Cackles for no good reason and nods to the side to whoever got that joke]… And now I’m happy to announce the return of one of our favorite correspondents. She took a leave of absence for about six months and now she’s back and we’re just… so pleased, Michelle Dison. Good to see you, Michelle.

Michelle Dison: Hi, Gil. Nice to see you. Thank you. First off let me say, I am so happy to be back doing my favorite segment, Around the Town . And today, Gil, we are going to meet a real hero. As Marty reported earlier there was a fire at the Cedar Brook Apartments on East Elm just a few hours ago and the residents here are thanking one very special individual for warning them of the blaze, leading to a safe escape for all. Oh, and here she is, Bonnie Cox. Bonnie?

Bonnie Cox: Oh my God. Am I really on TV? [Looks her up and down] I, I should’ve done something with my hair. I, I didn’t exactly have any time today, you know, with the fire and all so.

Michelle Dison: [Staring dreamily] Oh, sorry, where did I go?… No, uh y y your hair looks great. You, you look great [points]…. So, so, um… So-so Bonnie, how does it feel to uh, to be a hero?

Bonnie Cox: Oh, no, I wouldn’t really call myself a hero necessarily.

Michelle Dison: Well I’ve been talking to a lot of your neighbors and that’s exactly [points] what they’re calling you. Now, Bonnie… I’m sorry, can I interrupt myself here? Um… [Finger point] You. Are. Stunning. [Holds microphone out]

Bonnie Cox: Thank you.

Michelle Dison: Uh your, your face, uh your skin, it’s like a doll. You’re like a doll, a doll that I would buy. [Giggle] And I don’t even buy dolls, but I’d want you. No, I’m not saying that I want you… but if you were a doll I would want a you doll… uh for my doll collection, which I would immediately start. [Giggles coyly and holds microphone out]

Bonnie Cox: Um.

Michelle Dison: So, uh Bonnie this, this was a very dangerous fire and you saved a lot of lives today.

Bonnie Cox: Well I just, I reacted like anyone would.

Michelle Dison: No, believe me, you are not like anyone who have reacted would. [Holds microphone out]

Bonnie Cox: Uh, I’m sorry, was that a question?

Michelle Dison: Ah… [Giggles] Bonnie…. [Giggles and points] Hilarious hero alert! And… Sexy…. [Shrugs and holds microphone out] Uh, uh so-so Bonnie, walk us through uh, what happened the moment you realized the building was on fire.

Bonnie Cox: Um. Okay, well I was getting ready to go to the gym.

Michelle Dison: Of course you were. [Nodding and looking at her body]

Bonnie Cox: And um, I smelled smoke so I ran into my kitchen because I thought it might be coming from my apartment and then I realized that it was coming from the hallway [totally checking her out] um, so I immediately just started pounding on my neighbor’s doors.

Michelle Dison: That is incredible. You know what else is incredible? [arm swing]..uh incredibly.. host.. close to here where we could go after this [arm swing] uh, is The Old Spaghetti Factory. [Giggles] So that’s [Finger point] where we could go um after this. Together. [Holds mic out].

Bonnie Cox: What?

Michelle Dison: Uh, it it it’s just right down the street and I am starving and you said you like spaghetti, right? [holds mic out]

Bonnie Cox: I don’t know what’s going on.

Michelle Dison: You’ve got it going on! [Giggle and point]…. Anyway…..

Gil: [Cut to Gil’s face eyes back and forth, frozen] Uh, Bonnie, do they have any idea how this fire might’ve started?

Bonnie Cox: Um, well I just talked to the fire chief and he said it was most likely due to an electrical fire.

Michelle Dison: I know how it got started [points up]. Uh, I read this somewhere, this is true. Do you know what the leading cause of apartment fires is? Heh, Her Body [points at her]. No… what am I, what am I saying?

Bonnie Cox: Um, I’m I’m gonna go get….

Michelle Dison: …Get changed for our spaghetti dinner? Who said that?? Uh, no, it’s very casual. Um, have you, have you been to the The Old Spaghetti Factory? Uh, I mean you can, you can wear what you’re wearing. My ex-husband and I used to go there a lot. Um, have you been to the The Old Spaghetti Factory, Gil?

[Cut to Gil’s face: blinks in silence]

Michelle Dison: Okay. Uh, I’m sorry. That was weird. Like you and I are gonna go to The Old Spaghetti Factory together. That’s crazy. I’m sorry I don’t know what’s got into me I guess, I’m hungry, I guess. Um, uh, I guess, so, one more question, if you don’t mind, about the fire, um do you, um do you like cruises [swaying like a young girl in a dress]? Bonnie, because I, I heard Carnival Cruise lines they have this package for, for two people. It’s quite a deal. Uh, my treat obviously. Gonna be just like The Old Spaghetti Factory would be my..….

Bonnie Cox: …Um, I I’m sorry, I hope this doesn’t come out sounding mean, but I, I don’t know how to ask it any other way: is there something wrong with you?

Michelle Dison: Oh, oh – do you wanna talk about that now instead of at The Old Spaghetti Factory?

Bonnie Cox: I’m, no. No, I I I’mmmmm allergic to spaghetti.

Michelle Dison: Oh, they have chicken.

Bonnie Cox: You, you have been very inappropriate and have made me feel very uncomfortable. And I’m gonna leave now. [Totally checks her out as she’s walking away]

Michelle Dison: Uh, Gil?

Gil: Yeah, Michelle.

Michelle Dison: So I, I should… I should take some more time off?

Gil: Yeah.

Michelle Dison: Okay.

Cat: Mrow. [Cat comes outta no where and mauls her in the face. And then you see the pole they used to make the cat airborne…] Reeeer.

Gil: Well, that was embarrassing. You are welcome youtube. We’ll be right back.

Submitted by: Ms. Galen Gregor

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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