Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 19
Decision ’08: The Fringe Candidates Debate
Dan Rather…..Darrell Hammond
Eleanor Hatch…..Kristen Wiig
Trudy Westmoreland…..Molly Shannon
Larry Budge…..Will Forte
Aseeb Narzef…..Fred Armisen
Blaine Goodbody…..Jason Sudeikis
Dennis Kucinich…..Amy Poehler
Lord Simon Frothingham…..Andy Samberg
Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson…..Maya Rudolph
Tony Blair…..Bill Hader
Rev. Hershel P. Chocula…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer: NBC News Decision 2008 special. The Fringe Candidates Debate. And now, your host and moderator — Dan Rather.[ Exterior: Sarah Lawrence College, night ]
Dan Rather: Good evening. I’m Dan Rather. I’d like to begin by thanking my current employer, HDNet, for allowing me to moderate this exciting event. HDNet. If you just bought an HD-TV, and you want to make sure it’s working properly, we’re the channel for you.
Two weeks ago, Brian Williams introduced us to the Democratic candidates. Last week, it was Chris Matthews and the Republicans. And now, tonight, in what I can only interpret as a confirmation of the winding-down of my previously-distinguished career, it’s my honor to introduce you to the Fringe Candidates.
First: from the New Revolutionary PETA Party, a radical breakaway faction of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, Eleanor Hatch.
Eleanor Hatch: Animals are smarter than people![ show: Trudy Westmoreland ]
Dan Rather: From the New American Nazi Party, Trudy Westmoreland.
Trudy Westmoreland: Thank you so much for having me, Dan! I’m just so excited to be here — [ waves ] Heil Hitler![ show: Larry Budge ]
Dan Rather: From NAMBLA, Larry Budge.
Larry Budge: [ in as suave a manner as possible ] Hi, there.
Dan Rather: Also, from the Taliban, Aseeb Narzef.
Aseeb Narzef: The pleasure is mine![ show: Blaine Goodbody ]
Dan Rather: From the Dance Party, Blaine Goodbody.
Blaine Goodbody: [ busts a dance move to beat music ] [ show: Dennis Kucinich ]
Dan Rather: From the Democratic Party, Ohio congressman Dennis Kucinich.
Dennis Kucinich: [ smiles widely ] [ show: Lord Simon Frothingham ]
Dan Rather: From the Whig Party, Lord Simon Frothingham.
Lord Simon Frothingham: Good day to you, sir!
Dan Rather: And from the Wig Party, Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson.
Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson: Wait a minute, they’s TWO wig parties?? Uh-uh! That ain’t right!
I can explain, Madam! My Whig has an “H” in it!
Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson: Mmm? Well, my wig’s got a CRUISE SHIP in it! So you’d best step up your game, Ben Franklin![ show: Tony Blair ]
Dan Rather: From the Labour Party, British Prime Minister Tony Blair.
Tony Blair: [ smiles widely ] Hello![ show: Rev. Hershel P. Chocula ]
Dan Rather: And, finally, from the Black Vampire Party, the Rev. Hershel P. Chocula.
Rev. Hershel P. Chocula: Good evening.
Dan Rather: Not since the Houston Asylum Fire of ’54 have I seen so many flaming crazies. Now, for many of you, the biggest hurdle is overcoming the negative connotations associated with your parties. Mr. Budge, let’s start with you. To most people, NAMBLA means a lot of dispicable things. How do you intend to overcome NAMBLA’s image problem?
Larry Budge: Well, first of all, I don’t think NAMBLA means what you think it means?
Dan Rather: North American Man-Boy Association?
Larry Budge: [ stung ] I stand corrected. It does mean what you think it means.
Trudy Westmoreland: Listen, if I can just step in, Dan. I know that the word [ makes quotes sign ] “Nazi” conjures up a lot of negative images, but this is the new Nazi Party, where we’re no longer focused on a culture of hate. We’re focused on the issues that really matter, like the economy, the media, finance — you know, Jew stuff.
Aseeb Narzef: Yes. Yes. I want to applaud my colleague’s position, Dan, while also adding: she spoke out of turn, and should be stoned to death!
Dan Rather: Well, things are officially battier than the memorabilia in Adam West’s garage. Iraq continues to be a hot-button topic of these debates. Congressman Kucinich.. where do you stand?
Dennis Kucinich: Well, as you know, Dan, I laid out my Iraq plan very clearly in last month’s Democratic debate.
Dan Rather: [ surprised ] You were at the Democratic debate?
Dennis Kucinich: Yes, Dan. I was.
Dan Rather: [ thinking back ] Were you in the audience?
Dennis Kucinich: [ his smile waning ] No. I was participating.
Dan Rather: From the stage?
Dennis Kucinich: Yep.
Dan Rather: You sure you weren’t there as a prank, or some kind of mascot?
Dennis Kucinich: Dan, I’m a congressman.
Dan Rather: I’m sorry. I assumed that “Congressman” was your first name.
Rev. Hershel P. Chocula: Uh — Dan? If I may interject. I’m the only candidate here with a plan to end this war. As President, I will see to it that not one more drop of blood is spilled in Iraq!
Dan Rather: How?
Rev. Hershel P. Chocula: By spilling it here in my mouth! [ laughs ]
Dan Rather: Alright. You got me on that one, and you got me good. I feel as silly as a steer in a sperm bank. [ the candidates stare blankly at Dan ] And, for those of you who might not know it, a steer is an ox that’s been castrated. [ more blank stares ] Soooo, you see, a steer would feel pretty silly at a sperm bank.
Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson: [ starts laughing uproariously ] Whooooo!! I get it, Dan Rather! Whooooo!!
Dan Rather: [ fights his own smile ] Blaine? Many don’t understand the platform of the Dance Party. How would you describe it to prospective voters?[ in lieu of a response, Blaine Goodbody busts another dance move ]
Dan Rather: I see. Lord Frothingham, where do you stand on the contentious issue of immigration?
Lord Simon Frothingham: Daniel, we of the Whig Party —
Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson: Oh, no, you didn’t just call yourself the Wig Party again!!
Lord Simon Frothingham: Madam, as I explained earlier, my Whig has an “H” in it.
Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson: Mmm-hmm. Well, your ass is about to have a foot up in it!
Eleanor Hatch: Dan? Dan? I don’t mean to be shrill, but do you know for the cost of one day in the war in Iraq, we could immunize EVERY mosquito in this country against insect repellant? [ sighs ] We just need to find small enough needles, Dan! Just real tiny needles –!
Tony Blair: [ interrupting ] Dan? Dan? I know it seems strange that a British Prime Minister would want to be President, but if anyone was fit for the job.. it’s me. For the last four years, I’ve prepapred for it with every decision, asked myself, “What would I do in this situation if I were the American president?” It’s because of those decisions that I am both ready to lead your country.. and also afraid to go back to mine! Thank you!
Dan Rather: Well. We will now have one closing statement, from a candidate whose name will be picked by me from this hat. [ reaches into the hat ] And, in a continuing crippling run of bad luck, our closing statement will come from NAMBLA’s Mr. Budge. Mr. Vudge?
Larry Budge: I believe, uh, that young people are the real future of this country. And tonight I leave them with this thought: At my house, I have X-Box! [ grins sheepishly ]
Dan Rather: [ stunned ] Well. Thus concludes the Fringe Canddiates Debate. Join me tomorrow on HDNet for “America’s Top 50 Sunsets.” Good night.[ dissolve to graphic ] [ fade ]