Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 19
Mary Katherine Gallagher…..Molly Shannon
Ryan Seacrest…..Bill Hader
Paula Abdul…..Amy Poehler
Melinda Doolittle…..Maya Rudolph
Simon Cowell…..Jason Sudeikis
Randy Jackson…..Kenan Thompson
[American Idol theme song comes on as you see the 3-D opening. The screen then goes to Melinda standing on the stage with Ryan standing right next to her]
Ryan Seacrest: Alright! I’m Ryan Seacrest! We’re back to find out who’s journey, is coming to an end tonight. Melinda, America has voted. Tonight, you are going home…
[Melinda looks down at her feet disappointed]
Ryan Seacrest: And by home, I just mean the hotel…
[Melinda looks up all surprised and excited]
Ryan Seacrest: So you can pack up your bags…
[Melinda looks down at her feet once again]
Ryan Seacrest: If you are chosen to leave…
[Melinda looks up all surprised again]
Ryan Seacrest: Which will be tonight…
[Melinda looks down AGAIN]
Ryan Seacrest: Or next week!
[By now, Melinda is just confused]
Ryan Seacrest: Or tonight. But right now I tell you that it is over! Or not over! Or is. Melinda! You… Are… Safe! [gives a thumbs up] Not safe! [thumbs down] Saaaaaaaafe [thumb goes up slowly] Agghhhh! [Thumb goes down quick] Ehhhhhhhhh… [thumb goes up slowly] ehhhhhhhhh… [thumb goes down slowly, then goes up and down over and over again] Oh! Eh! Oh! Eh! Oh! Eh! Oh! Eh! You’re out… But safe!
[Melinda runs happily off the stage]
Ryan Seacrest: So let’s go to Jordan Blake, and see who is going
[Mary Katherine Gallagher runs on the stage, while the audience screams out in applaud]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katherine Gallagher! [reaches out to shake his hand] Mary Katherine Gallagher! [Ryan is looking off stage trying to find security]
Ryan Seacrest: I’m sure you are excited to be here, but you need stay in your seat!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I just want to say that even though I was cut on those pulmonary auditions, I just want to say that I really still feel that I deserve a chance to compete in America’s greatest talent competition.
Ryan Seacrest: Sorry, you only get one chance, you really need to get off the stage.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I just I just [goes in a very soft voice to complete her sentence] Ryan, please. Before I’m forcibly removed I would just like to congratulate Randy on his gastric bypass and substitute weight loss slash partial regain.
[Randy’s face is confused by her saying partial regain]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: And I would also like to tell Paula that I do believe she’s never been drunk, and it’s just naturally drowsy.
[Paula, who looks intoxicated, blows her a kiss]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: And Simon, the way you verbally assault people, scares me in a very very sexy way that fills me with shame!
Simon Cowell: Young lady, what in bloody hell are you doing with your hands?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes, when I get nervous, I put my fingers under my arms, and smell them like this.
Simon Cowell: Ms. Gallagher, I admit you’re quite unique, but other then inhaling your own feminine musk, what else do you do?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: What else do I do? I do… [runs and jumps] gymnastics! [runs and jumps again] gymnastics! [mumbles to herself]
Simon Cowell: This is a singing competition, young lady. So, say goodbye, it’s time to say goodbye.
[Ryan is getting ready to carry her off the stage, but Mary stops him]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: My feelings would best be described in a monologue, from the made-for-TV movie, Shooting Stars, which is a Jackson 5 story, starring Lawrence Hilton Jacob III, from Welcome Back Cotter, as Jo Jackson, their driven, yet, abusive, daddy dreamer.
Ryan Seacrest: Mary, you have to leave the stage immediately, after you do this monologue… If I let you do it… which I will.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Boys, [a little piano ballad is going on in the background] you got to clean out your ears and listen to your daddy Jo! You want to be stars? You’ve got to sacrifice! You don’t need no school, Tito! You don’t need to girlfriend, Jermaine! Marlon, Jackie, you got to want this the way a junkie wants to junk! Stop crying, Michael, you big baby! One more peep out of any of you and I will get my belt and I will knock the gleam out of your afros! I don’t give a diddly damn if it’s four in the morning, we are going to rehearse that robo style, again and again and again!
[Ryan goes up to her trying to stop her]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Get out of here, Tito!
[Mary pushes ryan right into the back drop behind them and he rips through it]
Randy Jackson: Yo, yo, yo! Mary, enough! Now, I know Joe Jackson, personally, and that movie was way off base! He was a much bigger bastard to those kids in real life!
Paula Abdul: [slurring strongly] Mary, I just want to say, your performance, and your outfit, and lady power, and, oh, it’s amazing… [turns her chair towards the audience]
Simon Cowell: [sarcastic tone] Well said Paula. I too find you absolutely horrible! The only thing less appealing then your looks, is your talent. So you might as well leave, there is absolutely nothing else you can do to make me believe you’re special in any way.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I can do something… [breaks out into song and starts singing, Brass In Pocket, by The Pretenders]
“Gonna use my arms,
I’m gonna use my legs,
I’m gonna use my style,
I’m gonna use my sidestep,
Gonna use my fingers,
Gonna use my, my, my, imagination!”
[turns around, bends down, and pulls up her skirt, then runs offstage to the judge table]
“’cause I gonna make you see
[Steps behind Randy, and massages his shoulders for a second]
there’s nobody else here
no one like me
[runs to Paula, and rubs her head]
I’m special, so special
[Goes to Simon, and picks him up by his neck collar]
I Gotta have some of your attention, give it to me!”
[Throws Simon on the judge table, which collapses, and she steps over him. Breaks out of song]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [kneels down and throws her arms in the air] Superstar! Live, from New York, It’s Saturday Night!
Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin