Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 19
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of divorce forms and hookers approaching motor vehicles.]
He’s recently divorced, and he’s filing for bankruptcy!
Unprotected sex with hookers is a nightly occurrence!
The dude’s a raging alcoholic!
[CUT to a disheveled MacGruber walking drunk in front of footage of flames.]
[CUT to drug lord headquarters in the jungle. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Drug Lord Headquarters.” CUT to a sign marked “Drug Lord Control Room” as sirens wail.]
[ Macgruber is stretched topless across the floor while mucnhing on a hamburger ]
April: You wanna get up, Macgruber?
MacGruber: [ slurred ] Where’s Casey?
April: She quit.
MacGruber: Well, then, I quit!
April: You can’t quit! You have to diffuse the bomb! Do you remember the bomb?
[ camera pans next to MacGruber to reveal the C4 bomb ]
MacGruber: What bomb?
April: The bomb you made when you were drunk!
MacGruber: [ extended silence ] What time..?
April: I don’t know.. I’m gonna get out of here, I’m quitting, too.
MacGruber: Well, okay.. [ continues to munch on the pieces of his hamburger ]
[CUT to the drug lord headquarters exploding into flames.]
[FADE to black over applause.]