Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 19
Molly Shannon’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Molly Shannon!
[ audience cheers with excitement ]
Molly Shannon: Thank you!! I just wanna say — I just wanna — I just wanna say that it’s a special night, because I was a cast member here for six AMAZING years, but tonight I get to be the HOST!! [ audience cheers ] And my life has changed SO much since I was on the show — I got married, I have two kids now, and I — [ audience cheers again ] And I have a movie out that I’m really proud of, called “Year of the Dog.” [ audience cheers some more ] But right now, in a way, standing here on this stage, it feels like I never left. I have so many memories of this place: staying up all night until the sun came up, writing sketches, and all the parties we have every week after the show, and, of course, all the SEX! Ohhhhh, my God, there was a lot of SEX when I was here! In the dressing rooms, by the make-up area — [ points ] There was sex over there! Up there! [ points behind her ] In that! [ squats to the floorboards ] Under there! Oh, my God! And, actually — [ points into the audience ] right where you’re sitting, Sir! Oh my gosh, it was crazy. Yeah, I wish I’d participated in it.
Actually, during the 90’s, when I was here, I had a huge crush on someone. You know, those type of crushes you get on your college professor? I mean, I remember it like it was yesterday..
[ scene dissolves into the past, Lorne Michaels’ office, as a desktop boombox blasts Lou Bega’s “Mambo #5” ]
[ Molly Shannon enters the office ]
Molly Shannon: You wanted to see me, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: Yeah, Molly. Have a seat.
Molly Shannon: [ sits ] Oh, my God. This music is all that and a bag of chips. What is it?
Lorne Michaels: It’s called “Mambo #5”, by Lou Bega. It’s destined to become a classic.
Molly Shannon: Ooh.
Lorne Michaels: [ fidgets with the buttons on the boombox ] Why do they have to make these new compact-disc players so complicated?
Molly Shannon: [ chuckles out loud ]
Lorne Michaels: [ picks up a miniature tape record, Norm MacDonald-style ] Idea: create a device where you can store ALL your music, possibly computerized, pod-shaped.
Molly Shannon: [ sips a Zima ] You’re, like, old school smart, Lorne. [ shuts her eyelids to reveal a heart shape on one, and a “U” on the other ]
Lorne Michaels: Molly, you have to put a stop to this.
Molly Shannon: I agree, Lorne! We don’t have to be on the down-low about this! I don’t care what people are saying!
Lorne Michaels: Why? What are they saying?
Molly Shannon: They’re saying that you’re a playa, that you just want to get jiggy with me. You’ve got —
Lorne Michaels: Nanny on the brain?
Molly Shannon: Yeah. And when I hear that stuff, I’m all, “Lorne Michaels is super phat, with a P-H. I mean, you’re off da heazy in love. [ holds up her hand ] So, talk to the Hand!
Lorne Michaels: Molly, I hear what you’re sayin,g and I think my feelings can be expressed in this song by TLC: [ presses a button on the obombox, as “Waterfalls” begins to play ]
Molly Shannon: [ confused ] What are you saying, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: I’m saying, “Don’t go chasing waterfalls,” Molly. In this analogy, I am the waterfall.
[ Molly drops her head on Lorne’s desk and cries, as he casually sips a Zima ]
Molly Shannon: You’re the waterfall?
Lorne Michaels: Are you okay?
Molly Shannon: [ sarcastically ] Yeah, I’m just AWESOMWE! [ stands ] NOT!! [ exits Lorne’s office ]
Lorne Michaels: [ dials from an oversized 90’s cordless phone ] Yeah. Uh, did Lou Bega call?
[ dissolve back to Molly Shannon at Home Base, present day ]
Molly Shannon: Ugh. I got my heart broken that day. But, in retrospect, it was for the best. Otherwise, I would never have hooked up with Don Pardo. [ smiles and waves ] Nice to see you again, Don!
Don Pardo V/O: Nice to see you, Molly!
Molly Shannon: Anyway, we have a great show for you — Linkin Park is here, so stick around, we’llbe right back!