SNL Transcripts: Molly Shannon: 05/12/07: Penelope


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 19

06s: Molly Shannon / Linkin Park


Penelope…Kristen Wiig
Lisa… Molly Shannon
Gina… Amy Poehler
Lou… Kenan Thompson
Jim… Jason Sudeikis

(Guests are at a hotel meeting looking at the table with all the food)

Lou: Wow Lisa, I can’t believe you made these.

Lisa: Aw you know some time these meetings go on a little to long so I thought I’d make something to snack on.

Gina: oh god you made brownies too?

Lisa: Yeah I never made this recipe before so I hope it turns out okay.

(Penelope comes in)

Penelope: I have. I used this recipe before so, just used that recipe before, so my mom used to make that kind of brownie, so I grew up with that kinda brownie soo their not new to me soo just make them all the time so made them before.

Lisa: Hi I’m Lisa, you must be Penelope, you just moved in right?

Penelope: Yeah I just moved in so I’m probably the newest tenant here so.

Gina: Hi I’m Gina.

Lou: Hello Penelope, I’m Lou, welcome to the building. I live in 2g.

Penelope: Yeah I live in 1c, so just one more floor closer to the ground, so in case theirs a fire, I’d probably get out a lot easier than a lot of people, so just safer soo I just like it.

Lisa: Oh, well we’re really happy to have you. Hey Gina, by the wat I saw that flyer you put up about planting flowers in the walk way, I think that is a great idea.

Gina: Thanks yeah you know the weather is getting nice so I thought it would be fun, I know I said 8 am, and I know that might be a little early for some people..

Penelope: It’s not early for me, so I just get up at like 7, or 6, or 5, so I’ve been up at like 4, I just love getting up early, so just love getting up earlier than other ppl. I’ll probably be the first one there, I usually get up at 3 so..

Lisa: Well there you go I guess it isn’t to early (Laughs).

Lou: Hey you know what my grandaughters will be visiting, I should bring them.

Lisa: Aw what a great idea I cant wait to see them.

Lou: Well lucky for you I got some pictures (pulls out wallot)

Gina: Oh their adorable.

Penelope: I have pictures too in my wallot upstairs soo just didn’t bring my wallot cause it’s really expensive soo just didn’t want to bring it so lots of pictures of kids in their so I’ll probably bring them all on saturday too soo.

Lisa: Great, great great, well it looks like everyones here so excuse me, I think we should get started, why not everyone if we can find a seat we’re going to get going with this meeting.

Penelope: Sit down everybody (Sits)

Lisa: Yeah… okay hi everybody I just want to thank all of you for coming so lets get down to it, does anybody have any issues or concerns?

Jim: Yeah I just want to let everyone know that I’m finally going to take that trip to Italy.

Penelope: Yeah I’m going to italy too soo going to fly first class or something soo you know.

Jim: Yeah I’ll be their for two months.

Penelope: I’m going to go for four months soo, twice as long then he’s going soo just a little bit longer sooo

Jim: Anyways my brother is going to be watching my plays too.

Penelope: My brother is going to be watching my plays too sooo professional apartment watcher soo

Lisa: Alright that’s great really great Penelope… Jim I hope you have a good trip. Okay so lets just move on does anybody else have any buisness…

(Penelope gets up behind Lisa)

Penelope: other buisness, does everybody understand… soo any buisess.

Lisa: Penelope can you please have a seat.

(Penelope sites down)

Penelope: I’m having a seat already, I already took one sooo.

Lisa: Yes Gina.

Gina: Yeah I have a card for everyone to sign, some of you might not know this but Mrs. Jacob’s 15 year old cat Whiskers Magee passed away last week…

Penelope: My cat passed away tooo sooo his name was whiskers magee the first sooo, he was 17 years old so just a little bit older than her cat soo it died a few minutes ago too sooo just effects me more soo.

Lisa: That cat was like a child to her.

Penelope: my cat was my child I was pregnant with my cat… I gave birth to it sooo I had my cat baby in the hospital and I had my cat baby shower soo a lot of people there soo.

Lisa: Really you had a cat baby… wow penelope congradulations you know what I think this is a good time for me to tell everyone my good news. I just gave birth to twin cows in my apartment, just so I could have free milk and you know what I am going to keep that milk in my big sized swimming pool thats in my bathroom oh yeah and I’m going to italy to for nine years, and I am going to live in a real live gingerbread house sooo thats what I am going to do soooo probably bigger than yours sooo what do you think of that Penelope.

Penelope: Well I just want to say that I just gave birth to seven baby cows today sooo, I have the bathroom in my apartment that has the ocean in it and I practise swimming in it because I already qualified for the next olympics sooo I’m in italy right now.. and I am made of gingerbread soo.. and when I was born I was a cartoon and I can turn invisible soo.

Lisa: You know what penelope that’s enough. This isn’t the way we do things around here. You kno what everybody why dont we just continue this meeting in my apartment. And I’m sorry to say Penelope but you’re not invited.

Penelope: Thats okay I’m busy anyway I have another meeting to go to sooo Oprah’s coming over sooo. I’m going to turn invisible now.

(Penelope turns invisible.)

Submitted by: Anthony Felon

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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