Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 19
Sally O’Malley….Molly Shannon
Tony Soprano….Darrell Hammond
Silvio Dante….Jason Sudeikis
Paulie Walnuts….Fred Armisen
Uncle Junior….Will Forte
Tony Soprano: Ok, listen up you guys. I want to talk about that Miami job.
Paulie Walnuts: Hey, T. Did you ever watch that show “Lost”?
Tony Soprano: Zip it, Paulie. I don’t want to talkabout some stupid show. I want to talk about business.
Paulie Walnuts: I’m just saying, I don’t get thatshow. The fat guy only eats coconuts and doesn’t loseany weight. And what the hell is a polar bear doing ona tropical island?
Silvio Dante: It’s a very confusing show, T. I watchedthe entire dvd set and still don’t know what’s going on!
Tony Soprano: Freakin’ moron. That’s why they call it”Lost”. You’re not supposed to know what’s going on.Get back to work already.[Uncle Junior walks in kindof dazed] Oh, no. Uncle Junior, you’re supposed to bein a nuthouse. What are you doing here?
Uncle Junior: I don’t know what I’m doing here. I lostmy mind, remember? I think I came back to shoot youagain but I forgot my gun.[Holds up a banana]
Paulie Walnuts: Hey T., before we talk businessthere’s a new girl waiting to audition for the club.Lady, get out here! Move it! Come on.[Strippers leave the stage. In comes Sally O’Malleywith her red outfit, her wild hair and purse]
Sally O’Malley: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is SallyO’Malley. I’m proud to say I’m 50 years old. I’m notone of those gals that’s afraid to tell her real ageand I like to KICK![She kicks] , STRETCH![she stretchesalmost touching the floor] and KICK![kicks the airagain] I’M 50!! 50 years old, 50 years old.
Tony Soprano: What the hell am I looking at? Lady, nodisrespect but you’re not exactly what we’re looking for.
Sally O’Malley: Not so fast, sonny. Listen, I saw anad in the paper that said that you were looking forhookers that could cut a rug. So I put my redpants[sing-songs] cause I likes to dance![struts her stuff]
Uncle Junior: This is the best cruise ship I’ve ever been on.
Tony Soprano: Lady, thanks but no thanks.
Paulie Walnuts: Come on, T. She’s a nice lady, let herdance. She even brought her own music. Bobby! Start the music!
Tony Soprano: Oh!, oh!, whoa! Stop the music![musicstops] Lady, you call that a sexy dance? You didn’teven took off your clothes.
Sally O’Malley: Look, anyone can strip but I was bornto strut. This lady train is coming down the tracks.Let me tell you, the caboose is a little loose but Ilike to KICK![kicks] , STRETCH![stretches] andKICK![kick] I’M 50!! 50 years old.
Paulie Walnuts: She can move pretty good, T. How oldyou think she is? 43? 44?
Tony Soprano: She said she’s 50!! Freakin’ moron!
Uncle Junior: You’re crazy. She’s not a day over 49.
Tony Soprano: Lady, have you ever given a lap dance?
Sally O’Malley: Sweetheart, I’ve done more laps thanSeabiscuit. Put me in the starting gate, watch me go,this jockey’s number is the big 5-0!
Tony Soprano: Lady,it’s a strip club. You plan onwearing those long pants when you’re dancing or what?
Sally O’Malley: You darn tootin’. The boys don’t standa chance on this dance pants.[Pulls pants up hard] Icall this outfit my desert rose cause it features thecamel toe.
Tony Soprano: Whoa![The crew is kind of turned off too]
Sally O’Malley: That right there is my half centurylady hump. My five decade delight.[Sally puts a footup in Tony’s head to show her very noticeable cameltoe] How do you like that, huh?
Tony Soprano: Enough![takes foot off head]
Sally O’Malley: That’s the way it goes. You got toshake it around,[she keeps pulling on her pants up andbends to the left and to the right, proud of her cameltoe] make sure it gets the proper amount of exercise.These old bones. 50 years old, 50 years old, 50 years old.[Darrell is cracking up hard. He recovers.]
Tony Soprano: I’m not hiring a 50 year old broad!
Paulie Walnuts: T, didn’t you see? She can kick,stretch and kick.
Silvio Dante: And she also stretches in addition to the kicking.
Uncle Junior: How old you think she is?
Tony Soprano: The answer’s no! Lady, look I admit it,you got something special but I don’t think you can handle this place.
Sally O’Malley: I can handle this and I got moreexperience than the lot of you.[2 hitmen enter through the stage holding guns]
Hitman: Fredo! We got a message from PhilLeotardo.[points the gun]
Sally O’Malley: No, you don’t cause I like toKICK[kicks hitman in the stomach, knocks himdown] STRETCH![she stretches] and KICK![kicks secondhitman in the groin, k.o’s him] I’M 50!! 50 YEARS OLD!![Scene of Sally on stage freezes and it becomes thebillboard outside the strip club. It says BADA-BINGpresents SALLY O’MALLEY] [cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel