SNL Transcripts: Molly Shannon: 05/12/07: The Sopranos


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 19

06s: Molly Shannon / Linkin Park

The Sopranos

Sally O’Malley….Molly Shannon
Tony Soprano….Darrell Hammond
Silvio Dante….Jason Sudeikis
Paulie Walnuts….Fred Armisen
Uncle Junior….Will Forte
Hitman….Bill Hader

[HBO Original Programming logo]

[The Sopranos]

[Opens with a view of the Bada-Bing strip club parkinglot. Dissolves to the inside of it. Young strippersare dancing on the stage. Tony Soprano is sitting nextto the stage. His crew is around him, Paulie standsnext to Tony and has a drink. Silvio is in a chairnearby. They talk with their goombah accents]

Tony Soprano: Ok, listen up you guys. I want to talk about that Miami job.

Paulie Walnuts: Hey, T. Did you ever watch that show “Lost”?

Tony Soprano: Zip it, Paulie. I don’t want to talkabout some stupid show. I want to talk about business.

Paulie Walnuts: I’m just saying, I don’t get thatshow. The fat guy only eats coconuts and doesn’t loseany weight. And what the hell is a polar bear doing ona tropical island?

Silvio Dante: It’s a very confusing show, T. I watchedthe entire dvd set and still don’t know what’s going on!

Tony Soprano: Freakin’ moron. That’s why they call it”Lost”. You’re not supposed to know what’s going on.Get back to work already.[Uncle Junior walks in kindof dazed] Oh, no. Uncle Junior, you’re supposed to bein a nuthouse. What are you doing here?

Uncle Junior: I don’t know what I’m doing here. I lostmy mind, remember? I think I came back to shoot youagain but I forgot my gun.[Holds up a banana]

Paulie Walnuts: Hey T., before we talk businessthere’s a new girl waiting to audition for the club.Lady, get out here! Move it! Come on.

[Strippers leave the stage. In comes Sally O’Malleywith her red outfit, her wild hair and purse]

Sally O’Malley: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is SallyO’Malley. I’m proud to say I’m 50 years old. I’m notone of those gals that’s afraid to tell her real ageand I like to KICK![She kicks] , STRETCH![she stretchesalmost touching the floor] and KICK![kicks the airagain] I’M 50!! 50 years old, 50 years old.

Tony Soprano: What the hell am I looking at? Lady, nodisrespect but you’re not exactly what we’re looking for.

Sally O’Malley: Not so fast, sonny. Listen, I saw anad in the paper that said that you were looking forhookers that could cut a rug. So I put my redpants[sing-songs] cause I likes to dance![struts her stuff]

Uncle Junior: This is the best cruise ship I’ve ever been on.

Tony Soprano: Lady, thanks but no thanks.

Paulie Walnuts: Come on, T. She’s a nice lady, let herdance. She even brought her own music. Bobby! Start the music!

[Old timey-music plays. Sally hops around the poletwirling her index finger around, grabs the pole andsquats down 2 times]

Tony Soprano: Oh!, oh!, whoa! Stop the music![musicstops] Lady, you call that a sexy dance? You didn’teven took off your clothes.

Sally O’Malley: Look, anyone can strip but I was bornto strut. This lady train is coming down the tracks.Let me tell you, the caboose is a little loose but Ilike to KICK![kicks] , STRETCH![stretches] andKICK![kick] I’M 50!! 50 years old.

Paulie Walnuts: She can move pretty good, T. How oldyou think she is? 43? 44?

Tony Soprano: She said she’s 50!! Freakin’ moron!

Uncle Junior: You’re crazy. She’s not a day over 49.

Tony Soprano: Lady, have you ever given a lap dance?

Sally O’Malley: Sweetheart, I’ve done more laps thanSeabiscuit. Put me in the starting gate, watch me go,this jockey’s number is the big 5-0!

Tony Soprano: Lady,it’s a strip club. You plan onwearing those long pants when you’re dancing or what?

Sally O’Malley: You darn tootin’. The boys don’t standa chance on this dance pants.[Pulls pants up hard] Icall this outfit my desert rose cause it features thecamel toe.

Tony Soprano: Whoa!

[The crew is kind of turned off too]

Sally O’Malley: That right there is my half centurylady hump. My five decade delight.[Sally puts a footup in Tony’s head to show her very noticeable cameltoe] How do you like that, huh?

Tony Soprano: Enough![takes foot off head]

Sally O’Malley: That’s the way it goes. You got toshake it around,[she keeps pulling on her pants up andbends to the left and to the right, proud of her cameltoe] make sure it gets the proper amount of exercise.These old bones. 50 years old, 50 years old, 50 years old.

[Darrell is cracking up hard. He recovers.]

Tony Soprano: I’m not hiring a 50 year old broad!

Paulie Walnuts: T, didn’t you see? She can kick,stretch and kick.

Silvio Dante: And she also stretches in addition to the kicking.

Uncle Junior: How old you think she is?

Tony Soprano: The answer’s no! Lady, look I admit it,you got something special but I don’t think you can handle this place.

Sally O’Malley: I can handle this and I got moreexperience than the lot of you.

[2 hitmen enter through the stage holding guns]

Hitman: Fredo! We got a message from PhilLeotardo.[points the gun]

Sally O’Malley: No, you don’t cause I like toKICK[kicks hitman in the stomach, knocks himdown] STRETCH![she stretches] and KICK![kicks secondhitman in the groin, k.o’s him] I’M 50!! 50 YEARS OLD!!

[Scene of Sally on stage freezes and it becomes thebillboard outside the strip club. It says BADA-BINGpresents SALLY O’MALLEY]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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Lap Dance Etiquette
4 years ago

SNL does the best Sopranos impressions of all times. Love when Tony asks if she’s given a lap dance! No etiquette to be had.

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