Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Molly Shannon…..Jeannie Darcy
Fred Armisen…..Pep Walters
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.
On Monday, President Bush held his first ever white-tie dinner in honor of Queen Elizabeth, opting to save the even more formal platinum-tie dinner for when Spider Man visits.
While visiting troops in Iraq on Thursday, vice president Dick Cheney told them that he knows they are suffering hard-ship from extended deployments, but the longer stays are vital to the mission. Then, still pointing his side arm, he slowly backed into his plane, and left.
Seth Meyers: Hamas has started a new children’s show, which features Farfur, a Mickey Mouse knock-off who teaches Islamic radicalism, and hatred towards American Isrealites. Farfur replaces the network’s previous children show, Dora the Exploder. [picture shows Dora with bombs on her stomach and a match in her hand]
During last week’s Republican debate, 3 of the 10 candidates said they did not believe in evolution, including Kansas senator, Sam Brownback, who said he would defend his conviction, one side of the Earth to the other.
Amy Poehler: Last week, Oprah Winfrey endorsed Barack Obama for president. Said Obama, “That’s great, but I was kind of hoping for a car.”
Seth Meyers: Well, the season’s almost over, and that means its time for one more installment of Weekend Update’s Comedy Cul-De-Sac.
Amy Poehler: Oh, yes listen to that laughter. There’s so many great comedians out there, and we want you to meet another one. Please welcome, everybody, Jeannie Darcy.
[camera goes to Jeannie Darcy with a brick wall behind her]
Jeannie Darcy: [voice throughout, is very very dull] Thank you, thank you, thank you. Wow, what a night! New York is crazy, huh? Millions of people, and they’re all listening to their Ipods. Have you seen these things? Pretty amazing stuff, huh? I wish I was an Ipod. Then a guy would always keep me with him, listen to me all day, and spend all night charging me up. Can I hear it from the sisters? Don’t get me started. Actually, get me started.
[Seth is laughing at the joke, while Amy is wondering why he is laughing, since the joke wasn’t even that funny]
Jeannie Darcy: It’s really hard when all your friends are having kids, though. All they talk about is how they wet the bed, or have trantrums in the mall, and I’m like “Are you sure you didn’t give birth to my ex-husband?”. Don’t get me started. Don’t even get me started.
[Seth laughs even more]
Amy Poehler: Oh boy, Seth, what should we do?
Seth Meyers: You just don’t get female comics.
Jeannie Darcy: I’m actually seeing somebody new, now. I brought him home to meet my family. I was like “I’d like you guys to meet my new boyfriend, shower massage.” Don’t get me started.
Amy Poehler: Um, Jeannie?
Jeannie Darcy: Yes, Amy? What up girl? Hey, listen, how about that new Tampax Multi-pack, huh? Is that confusing, or what, sister friend? And, Seth?
Seth Meyers: Yeah, Jeannie?
Jeannie Darcy: I left something at your apartment, my dignity. Don’t get me started. Men, errr! Right, ladies? Don’t get me started!
Amy Poehler: Yes, but do get her ended!
Seth Meyers: Jeannie Darcy, everyone!
Amy Poehler: In court, last week, Paris Hilton testified “I just sign what people tell me to sign.” She added, “And by sign I mean put in my mouth.”
Seth Meyers: Presidential candidate Mitt Romney told 60 Minutes this week that he can’t imagine anything more awful then polygamy, except having only one wife.
A 75 year old retired nurse has become the first black women to reach the north pole, which has to be the worst Katrina relocation story yet.
Amy Poehler: Well, everybody, summer’s almost here, and the one thing we can all look forward to is BBQs. Tonight, we have an inspirational guest to give us some BBQing tips. So please welcome the first blind man to win the Kansas City cook-off, here he is, Pep Walters, everyone!
Pep Walters: [facing sideways] Yeah! Hey! Who’s ready to BBQ!
Amy Poehler: Pep, turn around there buddy, just turn around.
Seth Meyers: Yep, you’re almost there, just turn around.
[he overturns, and goes to the other side]
Amy Poehler: No, no, no, no! Stop, just stop turning!
Seth Meyers: You were just there! No!
[he keeps on turning, now facing the Update desk]
Amy Poehler: Now, you’re all the way this way!
Seth Meyers: Nope, nope.
Pep Walters: Hey, everybody, it’s Suuuuuummer time, yeah!
Amy Poehler: Okay, no, turn all the way around.
Pep Walters: Time to BBQ!
Amy Poehler: Okay, bud, turn all the way around.
Seth Meyers: Your front, your back, all around.
[he starts turning around, then steps up towards the desk]
Seth Meyers: No, no, no!
Amy Poehler: Don’t step up, Pep! The grill is right in front of you!
[Pep turns right infront of the grill]
Amy Poehler: There we go, there we go! RIGHT THERE! Yup!
Pep Walters: Hows that?
Amy Poehler: Great!
Pep Walters: Hey everybody! Are you ready to party?! [as he throws his arm thats holding up the meat holder in his hand, the meat flies off into the audience]
Amy Poehler: Ohhh!
Seth Meyers: Okay..
[Amy and Seth are breaking character in the background]
Pep Walters: I, uh… that uh… that was my, uh, only piece of steak. It’s okay, I got some other steaks in my car, could I just get them real quick?
Amy Poehler: Yup.
Pep Walters: Just, uh, do your jokes and everything. I’ll be right back.
Amy Poehler: Okay, okay. Thank you, thank you. Chef Pep Walters, everybody. Thank you Pep
Seth Meyers: In Iran, Iranian soccer
[Pep Walters comes back, and gets in the way of the camera]
Seth Meyers: Uh, Pep, really
Pep Walters: Uh, could I have a steak
Seth Meyers: Really
Amy Poehler: Pep, you’re blocking the camera, Pep!
Seth Meyers: You can be forward or backwards, but just not there, buddy.
Amy Poehler: Any direction, Pep! You’re in the way.
Seth Meyers: You’re in the way.
Amy Poehler: Pep, you’re in the way.
Seth Meyers: Pep, you’re standing where you can’t be.
[Pep steps away from the camera and leaves]
Amy Poehler: Okay, there you go.
Seth Meyers: Good job.
Amy Poehler: Chef Pep Walters everybody.
Amy Poehler: I like his mouth. Very sexy mouth
Seth Meyers: Yeah, good. Pep Walters, everybody!
Doctors in Oregon removed two spiders from a nine-year old’s ear after he complained of pain. So, remember kids: if you’re experiencing ear pain, it’s probably just spiders.
Monday was Sigmundn Freud’s 151st birthday, so in honor of that, I’m going to smoke a penis Cigar! Whoa. I meant cigar. I’m not gay. I’ve got a mother Girlfriend! Whoa, I feel like a total cigar.
A thief in West Virginia was arrested after trying to rob a convenience store, wearing a pair of panties over his face. This brings us to a new Weekend Update segment called “What’s in a Word?”
[SUPER of “What’s In a Word?”]
Don Pardo: [overlapping] What’s In A Word?
Amy Poehler: Thank you, Don Pardo. Today’s word is panties, and I will be taking the position against the word, panties.
Seth Meyers: And my position is that word is great.
Amy Poehler: Seth, trust me, adult mature women, do not appreciate it when men refer to their undergarments as panties. It’s a word created by men to fantasize women, and the time has come to retire it.
Seth Meyers: It’s a war on language, Amy, and I won’t just use the word nipples.
Amy Poehler: You know? You should stop using the word, nipples.
Seth Meyers: No nipples? No panties? How, then, do you suggest I hold a conversation?
Amy Poehler: Seth, why would you need to use those words?
Seth Meyers: Well, if I can’t use those words, I would have to go back to saying the word bra.
Amy Poehler: Why? What do you call bras now?
Seth Meyers: Nipple panties.
Amy Poehler: No! If you can call yours underwear, then why can’t I?
Seth Meyers: I don’t call mine underwear.
Amy Poehler: What do you call them?
Seth Meyers: Manties.
Amy Poehler: Oh, boy.
Don Pardo: This has been “What’s In a Word?”
[SUPER of “What’s In a Word”?]
Amy Poehler: New research shows that children conceived in the summer months scored lower on math and language tests, then children conceived in other months. Scientists are calling this phenomenon “getting knocked up on the Jersey shore”.
Police in Florida say an arm-less one-legged men, escaped from them in a high speed car chase. This isn’t the first time he’s done this. Police have actually caught him before. But he’s a real bitch to handcuff.
Seth Meyers: British pop star, George Michaels, says he is filled with shame for his drug use charges. By the way, this is shame.
[picture of a man, with his shirt off and unzipped jeans appears]
Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler
Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin