SNL Transcripts: Zach Braff: 05/19/07: Melissa the Receptionist


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 20

06t: Zach Braff / Maroon 5

Melissa the Receptionist

…..Zach Braff
Melissa…..Fred Armisen
Brian Grazer…..Bill Hader
Sandra…..Maya Rudolph

Melissa: [on the phone] Brian Grazer’s office. Oh, hey, are you stopping at a Pink Berry? Okay, get me a medium plain with blueberries. Okay, bye! [hangs up] [Zach and Sandra walk in]

Sandra: [talking to Zach] And if they put you on the cover of Esquire, we’re half way there.

Zach Braff: Yeah, that would be awesome.

Sandra: [talks to Melissa] Hi, we have a one o’clock with with Brian. Zach Braff is here to talk about his next film.

Melissa: Oh, okay! Um, I’m Brian’s assistant, Melissa, and he’s gonna be a minute, so you could just grab a seat. Um, do you want a water?

Zach Braff: Uh, sure, I’ll have one, thank you.

Melissa: Okay. Uh, do you want a water?

Sandra: As well, yes.

Zach Braff: I have a feeling Mr. Grazer is gonna love this idea.

Sandra: [scoffs] Are you kidding me? Fish out of water guy meeting a bunch of weirdos? Its incredible!

[Zach laughs and Sandra joins laughing, while Melissa walks over to them from her desk]

Melissa: [with two waters in her hands] Uh, here you go. Could you help me open the bottle, too?

Zach Braff: Okay, sure.

Melissa: You’re so strong, with your hands. I like that you’re humble about that.

[Melissa walks back to her desk]

Melissa: Hey, um, Zach?

Zach Braff: Uh, yes, Melissa?

Melissa: Um, I think you’re a genius!

Zach Braff: Well, thank you, that’s very nice of you.

Melissa: Yeah, you’re very down to Earth, unlike Hank Aseria!

Sandra: Um, how much longer do you think Brian’s going to be?

Melissa: Oh, it will just be a couple of minutes. Me and Brian are like best friends! I like him cuz he’s the only one around here who’s normal!

Sandra: Well, we have a meeting in Culver City, so?

Melissa: Okay, do you want a water?

Sandra: I haven’t finished this one, yet.

Zach Braff: Okay, yeah. By the way, did you get any word on me being in Spider Man 3?

Sandra: Um, I’m pretty sure that’s been out for like 2 weeks already.

Zach Braff: So, you’re not even going to call?

Sandra: No, I’ll make the call!

Melissa: Hey, Zach.

Zach Braff: Yeah?

Melissa: Look what I found online

[turns the computer around to see that there is a picture of Zach in a jungle outfit]

Zach Braff: Wow…

Melissa: [giggling] You’re dirty.

Zach Braff: Uh, that’s not me, though.

Melissa: I know. I made it, I knew you were coming.

Sandra: I’m just gonna call Brian’s cell.

Melissa: Hey, Zach!

Zach Braff: Yeah?

Melissa: What animal is this? [puts her hands up in the air making claws as her facial expression goes carnivorous]

Zach Braff: I, uh, I don’t know, is it a cat?

Melissa: No! It’s a mountain lion! You do one!

Sandra: Melissa! Zach and I need some catch up talk, so do you mind?

Melissa: Grouchy.

Zach Braff: Should we just go, maybe?

Sandra: Yeah…

Melissa: Hey, Zach.

Zach Braff: Yeah?

Melissa: Can I tell you a secret?

Zach Braff: Sure, go ahead.

Melissa: Do you ever think about having sex with me?

[door opens and Brian comes out]

Brian Grazer: Zach! Sandra! Melissa, why didn’t you tell me they were here?

Melissa: Oh, hi, Brian! Do you want a water?

Brian Grazer: Uh, [holds up his water bottle his is already drinking] no! Come on guys. Sorry about that.

Zach Braff: Go ahead, guys, just give me one second.

Brian Grazer: Alright.

[Brian and Sandra go back through the door, and it is just Zach and Melissa. Melissa stands up right next to Zach by the side of her desk]

Zach Braff: You know, uh, Melissa, there is something that I want. And it’s not a water.

Melissa: Do you want a vitamin water?

Zach Braff: No, I want you.

[Zach and Melissa start making out as they fall on the desk. Music starts up, and the screen goes into a pink heart surrounding Zach and Melissa making out] [dissolves]

Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x