SNL Transcripts: Zach Braff: 05/19/07: Melissa the Receptionist

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 20

06t: Zach Braff / Maroon 5

Melissa the Receptionist

…..Zach Braff
Melissa…..Fred Armisen
Brian Grazer…..Bill Hader
Sandra…..Maya Rudolph

Melissa: [on the phone] Brian Grazer’s office. Oh, hey, are you stopping at a Pink Berry? Okay, get me a medium plain with blueberries. Okay, bye! [hangs up] [Zach and Sandra walk in]

Sandra: [talking to Zach] And if they put you on the cover of Esquire, we’re half way there.

Zach Braff: Yeah, that would be awesome.

Sandra: [talks to Melissa] Hi, we have a one o’clock with with Brian. Zach Braff is here to talk about his next film.

Melissa: Oh, okay! Um, I’m Brian’s assistant, Melissa, and he’s gonna be a minute, so you could just grab a seat. Um, do you want a water?

Zach Braff: Uh, sure, I’ll have one, thank you.

Melissa: Okay. Uh, do you want a water?

Sandra: As well, yes.

Zach Braff: I have a feeling Mr. Grazer is gonna love this idea.

Sandra: [scoffs] Are you kidding me? Fish out of water guy meeting a bunch of weirdos? Its incredible!

[Zach laughs and Sandra joins laughing, while Melissa walks over to them from her desk]

Melissa: [with two waters in her hands] Uh, here you go. Could you help me open the bottle, too?

Zach Braff: Okay, sure.

Melissa: You’re so strong, with your hands. I like that you’re humble about that.

[Melissa walks back to her desk]

Melissa: Hey, um, Zach?

Zach Braff: Uh, yes, Melissa?

Melissa: Um, I think you’re a genius!

Zach Braff: Well, thank you, that’s very nice of you.

Melissa: Yeah, you’re very down to Earth, unlike Hank Aseria!

Sandra: Um, how much longer do you think Brian’s going to be?

Melissa: Oh, it will just be a couple of minutes. Me and Brian are like best friends! I like him cuz he’s the only one around here who’s normal!

Sandra: Well, we have a meeting in Culver City, so?

Melissa: Okay, do you want a water?

Sandra: I haven’t finished this one, yet.

Zach Braff: Okay, yeah. By the way, did you get any word on me being in Spider Man 3?

Sandra: Um, I’m pretty sure that’s been out for like 2 weeks already.

Zach Braff: So, you’re not even going to call?

Sandra: No, I’ll make the call!

Melissa: Hey, Zach.

Zach Braff: Yeah?

Melissa: Look what I found online

[turns the computer around to see that there is a picture of Zach in a jungle outfit]

Zach Braff: Wow…

Melissa: [giggling] You’re dirty.

Zach Braff: Uh, that’s not me, though.

Melissa: I know. I made it, I knew you were coming.

Sandra: I’m just gonna call Brian’s cell.

Melissa: Hey, Zach!

Zach Braff: Yeah?

Melissa: What animal is this? [puts her hands up in the air making claws as her facial expression goes carnivorous]

Zach Braff: I, uh, I don’t know, is it a cat?

Melissa: No! It’s a mountain lion! You do one!

Sandra: Melissa! Zach and I need some catch up talk, so do you mind?

Melissa: Grouchy.

Zach Braff: Should we just go, maybe?

Sandra: Yeah…

Melissa: Hey, Zach.

Zach Braff: Yeah?

Melissa: Can I tell you a secret?

Zach Braff: Sure, go ahead.

Melissa: Do you ever think about having sex with me?

[door opens and Brian comes out]

Brian Grazer: Zach! Sandra! Melissa, why didn’t you tell me they were here?

Melissa: Oh, hi, Brian! Do you want a water?

Brian Grazer: Uh, [holds up his water bottle his is already drinking] no! Come on guys. Sorry about that.

Zach Braff: Go ahead, guys, just give me one second.

Brian Grazer: Alright.

[Brian and Sandra go back through the door, and it is just Zach and Melissa. Melissa stands up right next to Zach by the side of her desk]

Zach Braff: You know, uh, Melissa, there is something that I want. And it’s not a water.

Melissa: Do you want a vitamin water?

Zach Braff: No, I want you.

[Zach and Melissa start making out as they fall on the desk. Music starts up, and the screen goes into a pink heart surrounding Zach and Melissa making out] [dissolves]

Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin

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