Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 20
Melissa the Receptionist
…..Zach Braff
Melissa…..Fred Armisen
Brian Grazer…..Bill Hader
Sandra…..Maya Rudolph
Melissa: [on the phone] Brian Grazer’s office. Oh, hey, are you stopping at a Pink Berry? Okay, get me a medium plain with blueberries. Okay, bye! [hangs up] [Zach and Sandra walk in]
Sandra: [talking to Zach] And if they put you on the cover of Esquire, we’re half way there.
Zach Braff: Yeah, that would be awesome.
Sandra: [talks to Melissa] Hi, we have a one o’clock with with Brian. Zach Braff is here to talk about his next film.
Melissa: Oh, okay! Um, I’m Brian’s assistant, Melissa, and he’s gonna be a minute, so you could just grab a seat. Um, do you want a water?
Zach Braff: Uh, sure, I’ll have one, thank you.
Melissa: Okay. Uh, do you want a water?
Sandra: As well, yes.
Zach Braff: I have a feeling Mr. Grazer is gonna love this idea.
Sandra: [scoffs] Are you kidding me? Fish out of water guy meeting a bunch of weirdos? Its incredible!
Melissa: [with two waters in her hands] Uh, here you go. Could you help me open the bottle, too?
Zach Braff: Okay, sure.
Melissa: You’re so strong, with your hands. I like that you’re humble about that.
[Melissa walks back to her desk]Melissa: Hey, um, Zach?
Zach Braff: Uh, yes, Melissa?
Melissa: Um, I think you’re a genius!
Zach Braff: Well, thank you, that’s very nice of you.
Melissa: Yeah, you’re very down to Earth, unlike Hank Aseria!
Sandra: Um, how much longer do you think Brian’s going to be?
Melissa: Oh, it will just be a couple of minutes. Me and Brian are like best friends! I like him cuz he’s the only one around here who’s normal!
Sandra: Well, we have a meeting in Culver City, so?
Melissa: Okay, do you want a water?
Sandra: I haven’t finished this one, yet.
Zach Braff: Okay, yeah. By the way, did you get any word on me being in Spider Man 3?
Sandra: Um, I’m pretty sure that’s been out for like 2 weeks already.
Zach Braff: So, you’re not even going to call?
Sandra: No, I’ll make the call!
Melissa: Hey, Zach.
Zach Braff: Yeah?
Melissa: Look what I found online
[turns the computer around to see that there is a picture of Zach in a jungle outfit]Zach Braff: Wow…
Melissa: [giggling] You’re dirty.
Zach Braff: Uh, that’s not me, though.
Melissa: I know. I made it, I knew you were coming.
Sandra: I’m just gonna call Brian’s cell.
Melissa: Hey, Zach!
Zach Braff: Yeah?
Melissa: What animal is this? [puts her hands up in the air making claws as her facial expression goes carnivorous]
Zach Braff: I, uh, I don’t know, is it a cat?
Melissa: No! It’s a mountain lion! You do one!
Sandra: Melissa! Zach and I need some catch up talk, so do you mind?
Melissa: Grouchy.
Zach Braff: Should we just go, maybe?
Sandra: Yeah…
Melissa: Hey, Zach.
Zach Braff: Yeah?
Melissa: Can I tell you a secret?
Zach Braff: Sure, go ahead.
Melissa: Do you ever think about having sex with me?
[door opens and Brian comes out]Brian Grazer: Zach! Sandra! Melissa, why didn’t you tell me they were here?
Melissa: Oh, hi, Brian! Do you want a water?
Brian Grazer: Uh, [holds up his water bottle his is already drinking] no! Come on guys. Sorry about that.
Zach Braff: Go ahead, guys, just give me one second.
Brian Grazer: Alright.
[Brian and Sandra go back through the door, and it is just Zach and Melissa. Melissa stands up right next to Zach by the side of her desk]Zach Braff: You know, uh, Melissa, there is something that I want. And it’s not a water.
Melissa: Do you want a vitamin water?
Zach Braff: No, I want you.
[Zach and Melissa start making out as they fall on the desk. Music starts up, and the screen goes into a pink heart surrounding Zach and Melissa making out] [dissolves]Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin
