Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 20
Zach Braff’s Monologue
Don Pardo: Ladies and Gentlemen… Zach Braff!
(Audience applauds while peppy music ends)
Zach Braff: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. I just want to take a moment here: I cannot believe it, I am so incredibly honored to be hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live.
This has been a dream of mine ever since I was a little kid. I would stay up past my bed time to watch SNL in the days of the Church Lady and Toonces, the cat who could drive. Now I know when most people come out here they talk about how much they love New York, right? New York gets a lot of attention. I love New York. I grew up right across the river actually in a little state known as New Jersey. You may have seen my movie, Garden State, which was my love letter to New Jersey. I think it’s a place that’s so often overlooked in my opinion. Its my state I’m very proud of it. I just want to share those feelings to you.
(Piano starts and Zach sings to the tune of Billy Joel’s “New York State of Mind”)
“Some folks like to get away, take a holiday from the neighborhood.
Hop a flight to Miami beach or to Hollywood.
But I’m taking New Jersey transit, the Morris/Essex line.
I’m in a New Jersey state of mind.”
Thank you very much.
(Piano continues as he breaks out of singing)
Here are some facts you may not know about the greatest state in the world. Of all the governors of all the states, our governor drives the fastest. 91 miles per hour. That’s the governor of New Jersey. Two thirds of the nation’s eggplants are grown in New Jersey, but you never once hear us brag about it. Why? We’re just not like that in New Jersey.
New Jersey has the 4th highest Italian-American population of any state, yet, HBO chose to set their series the Sopranos there. Why? It just felt right in New Jersey. For these and many other reasons, even though I live in California, my heart will always be in New Jersey.
(A new song starts up, Zach goes back into song, and Amy, Andy, Maya, and Kenan come out dressed as different landmarks of New Jersey.)
They say the Neon lights are bright on Route 17 in Paramus.
Zach Braff: They say that you can see the mall from there.
All: PARAMUS PARK MALL!
Maya Rudolph: Um, Zach.
Zach Braff: Yes, Maya?
Maya Rudolph: We’re happy to do this but we don’t know what we’re supposed to be.
Zach Braff: What are you supposed to be?!?! Maya, you’re the Prudential Building, the best building in downtown Newark. Amy, you represent the Newark Airport. And Kenan you’re the Continental Airlines Arena where the Mets play! You guys are the most beloved landmarks in New Jersey!
Andy Samberg: And why am I a sandwhich? Not that I mind!
Zach Braff: Andy, you’re my favorite landmark of all. The Campus Sub Shop in South Orange, New Jersey.
Andy Samberg: Oh, cool, we got to go!
(Andy, Amy, Maya, and Kenan leave the stage and Zach breaks back into song)
Zach Braff: Take a bus to Secaucus, shop some Allen malls, use your EZ pass. Great views of Lady Liberty, if you prefer her ass. She’s actually in New Jersey. I’m taking the Holland Tunnel to the place where oil’s refined. I’m gonna break it down. I’m in a Neeeeeeewwwwwwwww Jersey a state of Miiiiiinnnnndddd!!!! Minnnnndddddd!!!! Miiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnd!!! We’ve got a great show, Maroon 5 is here! Stick around! We’ll be right back! Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnd!!!
(dissolves to commercial)
Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin, Kevin M. Pitts.