Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 20
Prom Committee Meeting
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs…..Amy Poehler
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton…..Maya Rudolph
Billy Zerillo…..Fred Armisen
Lyle Cane…..Will Forte
Brian Bernstein…..Zach Braff
Beatrice Mitchell…..Kristen Wiig
Principal McDougal…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on exterior, high school ]
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs V/O: Alright, everyone, listen UP, okay?
[ dissolve to interior, classroom, prom committee meeting, students Beth “B.J.” Jacobs and Lauren “B.J.” Carlton addressing their classmates. Both girls speak in a weird drawl. ]
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Welcome to what I hope will be our final prom committee meeting. I’m Beth “B.J.” Jacobs — and, before you get any ideas, my name is Beth Jacobs, and that’s why I’m called B.J.
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: And I’m Lauren “B.J.” Carlton. [ chews on her pencil eraser and offers no follow-up explanation ]
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Guys, if it was up to us, none of you would be here, and Lauren and I would have picked the prom theme WEEKS ago! But, apparently, we at least have to hear your stupid ideas before we decide.
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Which we totaly didn’t wanna do!
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: I think I made that clear, B.J.
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Sorry, B.J.
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: By the way, our prom theme should absolutely be James Bond! It’s 2007! Double-0-7! God! Okay, first up, with our WORST suggestion, is Billy Zerillo.
[ Billy Zerillo, dressed in Mets uniform, stands ]
Billy Zerillo: Alright. So.. I LOVE the Mets! But every time I suggest a Mets-themed prom, you guys look at me like I’m CRAZY!! Well, here I go — final effort: [ pleadingly ] let’s do a Mets prom! Blue and orange streamers, hot dogs! My uncle knows Mookie Wilson — he cam come! Therefore, my theme is: “Remember the Night We Mets?” [ the room is silent ] Thank you.
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: We’re not even gonna say anything. We’re just gonna let you know what we think of your idea with our expressions: [ both girls give an open-mouthed empty stare with tongues hanging ]
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Good expression, B.J.
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Thanks, B.J.
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Next up, our valedictorian, Lyle Cane.
[ Lyle Cane, shy and mildly retarded, stands ]
Hi there, I’m Lyle Cane. Many of you don’t know me, as I’ve just recently start speaking at school. But I assure you I’m a pretty great guy. My mom will vouch for that. As for our prom theme, how about: “Getting to Know Lyle Cane”? You’ll find I am a super-genius who is allergic to all kinds of wheat. Thank you. I’m Lyle Cane. Mother? [ sits ]
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Great idea, Lyle.
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Good sarcasm, B.J.
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Thanks, B.J.! [ the low-five one another ]
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Next up, is Brian Bernstein.
[ Brian Bernstein, wearing oversized headphones, stands ]
Brian Bernstein: Looking out at all of you, I think, “Wow! What a generation we are!” And, then, I think, you know, I love James Bond, but what is THE movie of our generation? What is THE film that most spoke to our alienation in the infinite abyss that is our young lives?
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Ugghhhh!!! Are you gonna talk about “Garden State” again?
Brian Bernstein: Why shouldn’t we talk about “Garden State”? “Garden State” talked about us, right? Think about it — we could play the entire Grammy-winning soundtrack!
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: [ stunned ] That won a Grammy? It was, like, a pitchfork mix CD.
Brian Bernstein: I happen to know those songs were very carefully chosen.
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Okay, Brian, we’re moving on!
Brian Bernstein: Well, I don’t care what you guys say! That soundtrack changed my life. [ places his oversized headphones over his ears, sits and languishes the soundtrack within him ]
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Joining us now, are those two guys that smell like concerts — Scootch and Mando.
[ Scootch and Mando, a pair of stoners, stand ]
Skootch: [ with an echo ] Hello, hello!
Mando: Is there anybody in there?
Skootch: Just nod if you can hear me!
Together: Is there anyone at ho-o-o-o-ommme??!!
Mando: Pink Floyd – The Wall theme!
Skootch: From nine p.m. until 420!
Mando: O-pen your bra-ains!
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Okay, guys? Thanks to my SAT Vocab pPrep courses, I have the perfect word to describe that idea: Yuck!
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Ha! Good one, B.J.
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Thanks, B.J.
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Next up, Beatrice Mitchell and her boyfriend, Stanley.
[ Beatrice Mitchell and Stanley, a pair of uptight virgins, stand ]
Beatrice Mitchell: Hi there.
Beatrice Mitchell: Our suggested theme is: “Worth The Wait.” A theme that could draw attention to what has been a very important issue to Stanley and I.
Stanley: As you know, Beatrice and I are believers in saving intimacy.. until.. after Prom.
Beatrice Mitchell: Marriage. Til after marriage.
Stanley: My mistake. Sorry.
Beatrice Mitchell: Stop making that mistake! Because you keep making that mistake, and it’s making me uncomfortable!
Stanley: I’m sorry. I love you, and waiting.. only makes.. that love.. stronger.
Beatrice Mitchell: That’s so sweet! [ pats his back ]
Stanley: [ becomes immediately aroused by her slight touch ] I’m sorry..
Beatrice Mitchell: Stanley!
[ she runs out of the room, as Stanley slowly and painfully follows ]
B.J. & B.J.: God! Gro-oss! Disgusting! [ a beat ] Next up, is Lomax!
[ Lomax, dressed in some sort of weird wizard’s garb, stands ]
Lomax: Hello! And thank you for your ironic support, ladies! I am here to say that I am uninterested in your prom, but would like to extend an invite to the Virtual Prom I will be holding on the shores of the River Asitoo! If you like mythical beasts and the realm of fantasy, it’s the prom for you! And, don’t worry — no Orks allowed! [ winks and grins ]
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Hey! Why don’t you and Lyle have a two-man weirdo prom together?
Lomax: Oh! Splendid idea! Lyle, can I interest you in a Virtual Prom?
Lyle Cane: No way! I want to go to a real Prom, and get lay for real.
Lomax: I wish you luck in your endevour. [ takes his seat ]
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Okay, so to recap —
Mando: Hey! We didn’t get to go!
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: [ stares at them, open-mouthed ] Yes, you did.
Skootch: [ stares back open-mouthed ] Okay! [ smiles ]
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Okay. Your choices are: The Mets —
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Ugh!
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Meet Lyle Cane —
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Eugh!
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Napoleon Dynamite —
Brian Bernstein: It’s “Garden State”!
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: What-ev-er! Pink Floyd —
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Lame!
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Abstinence —
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Eugh!
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Virtual Prom —
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Yuk!
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: And, of course, James Bond!
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Ow!
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Now, expecting that it will be an eight-way tie again, we’ve decided to let Principal McDougal be the tie-breaking voice.
[ Principal McDougal casually saunters into the classroom. Because he’s in favor of the James Bond-themed prom, he is dressed as modern-day Sean Connery ]
Principal McDougal: Well, well, well! Quite the conundrum. So many marvelous themes to choose from. I’ve talked at length to all of you, but I believe the two B.J.s were the most convincing. Therefore, I’m proud to anounce that our Prom theme will be “Shaken.. and Stirred.”
B.J. & B.J.: Yaayyyyy!!!!
[ fade ]