Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 20
An SNL Digital Short
Owner…..Zach Braff
Renter…..Andy Samberg
Dog…..Bill Hader
[Fade in: A New York City Apartment]
Owner: So this is the place. It’s, uh, pretty much how I described it on Craig’s List. The sublet would be for like 3 or 4 months.
Renter: Cool. It looks great.
Owner: Thanks. Oh, obviously the furniture would stay, ’cause I’ll be back, um….
Renter: Right.
[Owner cell phone rings]
Owner: I gotta grab this. Would you mind having a seat? I’ll be right back out.
Renter: Oh, sure.
Owner: Cool. [into phone while walking into other room] Hello?
[Renter sits down on couch and a dog. Rufus, comes into the room]
Renter: Hey, Buddy.
Dog: Hey there.
[Renter looks around for another person]
Dog: Don’t look around, it was me. The dog.
Renter: You can talk!
Dog: Yeah, I can talk; and I’ve got something to say.
Renter: What?
Dog: I love you!
Renter: Wha- This is crazy. You don’t even know me.
Dog: Well, let’s change that.
[Renter and dog exchange flirty glances before the dog walks over to the couch and lean up to kiss renter. Before they kiss, the Owner walks back into the room]
Owner: Sorry about that-
Renter: [almost caught in the act] What?
Owner: Were you about to kiss my dog?
Renter: No, I-, I just-, had to cough.
Owner: Oh, okay. I’m sorry. Uh, where were we… rent, which includes utilities, that’s awesome- [cell phone rings again] I gotta get this again, I’m sorry. I’ll be right back. [into phone while leaving room] Hello?
Dog: That was close.
Renter: This is wrong. I can’t do this.
Dog: Of course you can. Cigarette? [dog hands renter a cigarette and holds up a match lighting the cigarette]
Renter: Thanks.
Dog: Quick, go to the fridge and get me a plate full of ham.
Renter: Okay. [starts to get up] Wait a minute. Has this whole thing just been about you tricking me into getting you ham? [dog stares back without answering] HAS IT?
Dog: Nooo?
Renter: You used me!
[Owner re-enters room, knowing now that something has been going on]
Owner: Okay, what is going on here?
Renter: [sadly] Nothing.
Owner: Oh, no. Did my dog seduce you and try to get you to give him some ham?
Renter: Your dog is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
Owner: Damnit, Rufus! Bad dog! Bad dog! [dog sits down in middle of room]
Renter: I’m leaving.
Dog: Wait! Did this start about me wanting some ham? Yes. Did it turn into something else? You bet it did. So you can walk out that door or we can give this a shot. Owner, you’re a good man, but I can’t fight love.
Owner: Then go to him. [after a beat] Come on, boy! Go to him. Go to him!
[while Moment Like This by Kelly Clarkson plays in the background, the dog goes over in slow motion to the renter and start making out as The End flashes onto the screen]
Submitted by: Kevin M. Pitts
