Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 20
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Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Aunt Linda…..Kristen Wiig
Sam Waterson…..Fred Armisen
Whitney Houston…..Maya Rudolph
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.
Lt. General Douglas Lute, the Pentagon’s director of operations, was chosen to oversee the fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan as a war czar. Lute was chosen after being the last one in the room yelling “Not It!”
The average national price of a gallon hit an all time record high of three dollars and fifteen cents this week. Meaning that where ever you’re going this summer, it might be cheaper to mail your car.
As part of a new immigration reform bill, illegal immigrants would get immediate legal status by paying a fee of 5,000 dollars. So, it looks like that jet ski will have to wait until next year, Horhey.
Seth Meyers: During a concert of the Virginia Symphony at the 400th anniversary celebration of Jamestown, president Bush briefly took over the orchestra, which explains why the orchestra is now 4 trillion dollars in debt.
The New York Police Department is deploying 10 segway scooters this week to patrol on pathways and parks in an effort to increase murder.
Amy Poehler: [murmurs] Clapping for murder. Well summer’s just around the corner and that means this year’s biggest movies are on the way. Here with her take on some of these films, is my Aunt Linda.
[Aunt Linda scoots out on a rolling chair]
Aunt Linda: [looking at a person off stage] I can push myself! And leave my purse where I can see it! [turns head forward]
Amy Poehler: Okay, hi, aunt Linda. Welcome back.
Aunt Linda: Hello, Amy. Hello, Seth.
Seth Meyers: Hi aunt Linda, you actually sound like you’re in a good mood.
Aunt Linda: Well, its spring so I’m happy. Isn’t that obvious? [rolls her eyes]
Amy Poehler: Okay, well, I heard there were a lot of good movies coming out.
Aunt Linda: You whaaaat? Well, I guess if you like sequels.For instance, another Pirates of the Caribbean?!? Well, I’ll see this one with two eye patches on. I’ll give this one a “Thar she blows”! And guess how many oceans they’ve made now!
Amy Poehler: Wait, what?
Aunt Linda: Oceans Thirteen! Did the first 12 do that well? Well, if they’re anything like the last 2, I give this one 13 “ghaas” and a “puhhhleez”. And of course, the highly anticipated Rush Hour 3. [rolls eyes]
Amy Poehler: Oh, yeah, that’s the one with Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan.
Aunt Linda: Yes, Amy, the infamous ethnic comedy duo have teamed up again. Well just from trailer, I give this movie a review that both its stars should appreciate: An “Oh no you didn’t” and a “De jong”.
Amy Poehler: De jong? What does that mean?
Aunt Linda: It’s Chinese for “oh brother”.
Amy Poehler: This has been uplifting, thank you so much, aunt Linda!
Aunt Linda: Yes, [looks back stage again] hand me my purse! [scoots away]
Amy Poehler: Aunt Linda, everybody!
Seth Meyers: For the second consecutive year, Miami has been named the city with the worst road rage. They hope to solve this next year with more cocaine and louder salsa music.
Amy Poehler: A new bird called the Gorgorded puffleg which is a blue and green throated humming bird was discovered in a cloud forest in Columbia… though still nothing on Bin Ladin.
Hundreds of girls stood in a line, Monday, in Manhattan, to audition for a role in the upcoming American Girl movie, which stars Abigail Breslin and nobody who stood in a line.
Seth Meyers: Fire Fighters in Alaska were called in to lift a 7,500 pound elephant that had laid down and refused to get up, because if there is one thing fire fighters know about, it’s elephants.
Amy Poehler: Sesame Workshop, the creators of Sesame Street, are in talks with Northern Ireland to bring the show up there. Producers have already made a new character for the show, called “Drink You Under the Table Elmo” [murmurs] I look forward to that.
NBC announced Monday, it will once again renew its long running drama series, Law & Order, which as near as I can tell, is about a kindly old grand-father who teaches cynicism to a series of super-models.
Seth Meyers: [looking the opposite direction of Amy] Oh oh, oh oh!
Amy Poehler: [whispers] What?!
Seth Meyers: [still looking the opposite direction of Amy] Sam Waterson is standing right behind you.
Amy Poehler: What? No! Damn it! No!
Sam Waterson: How dare you, Amy? How can you defend that joke? It’s out of order! And I object! Testimony! 9-1-1! [Law & Order noise sounds as Sam Waterson walks away]
Seth Meyers: Porn star, Janet Jamison, this week, endorsed Hillary Clinton, for three hot hours.
Amy Poehler: Candy Spelling, Tori Spelling’s mother, posted a letter to Paris Hilton on the internet, warning her to change her ways, and that she is not as truly entitled as her money implies. Ahhh white wine! Helping old ladies embarrass them selves for centuries!
ABC this week, announced to launch a sitcom, based on the cavemen characters from the well-known Geico commercials. Not to be out done, NBC is introducing their new drama, 1-800-mattress.
Seth Meyers: Indiana’s Putnamville correctional facility has created a program where in-mates care for retired race horses at a prison farm, and this just in, the prisoners have escaped on the race horses.
A judge has ruled that a German sex shop must pay over 67,000 dollars each for using their names on vibrators with out permission. Good news for Auto Van Dildo.
Amy Poehler: A new study reveals that?
Whitney Houston: [off stage] Ohhhhhh!
Amy Poehler: Oh oh who is this?
Seth Meyers: Oh boy.
Whitney Houston: [walking on stage] Ohhhhh!
Amy Poehler: Oh, look everyone, it’s famous singer and recording artist, Whitney Houston!
Whitney Houston: Ohh, thank you!
Amy Poehler: Oh, what a surprise!
Whitney Houston: Oh oh oh! Amy Poehler everybody, can I get a what-what?! Alright!
Amy Poehler: Mrs. Houston, now who let you in, and what brings you by the Update desk?
Whitney Houston: I don’t know! I just wanted to stop by and wish my old pals a very happy summer time!
Amy Poehler: Okay, so what are you doing for the summer, Mrs. Houston?
Whitney Houston: Funny, you should ask, Ms. Meyers! First, I am going to lay by the pool, Seth Meyers, and drink down lots of peanut cool lalas! I am not however, going to drink a bottle of bandasolay just because it smells like bananas! [takes her glasses off] Bobby Brown dared me to do it! I’m going to get you Bobby B!
Amy Poehler: Yeah, we heard that he was suing you actually.
Seth Meyers: Yeah.
Whitney Houston: Oh, you did?
Amy Poehler: Yeah
Seth Meyers: Yeah
Whitney Houston: Ha ha ha! I am laughing but this is not funny! Your door bell is going to ring, Bobby B! And your going to open your door to find a burning bag of doggy doody! And you’re gonna stomp it out! Alright! [starts dancing backwards]
Amy Poehler: Okay. Wow! She’s going all the way back! Mrs. Houston, you brought us something, what did you bring us?
Whitney Houston: Oh I did! Some baked goods! A family secret recipe, for summertime! It’s brownies! [stands up, and walks in the middle of Seth and Amy] But don’t eat them until after the show!
Seth Meyers: Why? Are they pot brownies?
Whitney Houston: No! They’re cocaine brownies! Momma has already had 16 of them! [starts dancing again]
Amy Poehler: Wow there she goes again! Whitney Houston, everybody!
[Whitney Houston walks off stage]
Seth Meyers: From Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! Good night!
[Whitney Houston runs back on stage and climbs on Seth, and Amy follows, as Weekend Update fades]
Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin
