SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 11/11/06: Platinum Lounge


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 5

06e: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

Platinum Lounge

…..Maya Rudolph
…..Alec Baldwin
Doorman…..Bill Hader
…..Steve Martin
Waiter…..Martin Short
……Paul McCartney

[ open on Alec Baldwin and Maya Rudolph entering an exclusive lounge ]

Maya Rudolph: You know, Alec, I’m not supposed to be in the Platinum Lounge – you have to have hosted twelve times.

Alec Baldwin: Oh, don’t worry about it. Tonight, you’re with me, and I always take good care of my friends.

Maya Rudolph: I know. I’m just nervous.

Doorman: Sorry, Mr. Baldwin – there’s no working cast allowed in the Platinum Lounge.

Alec Baldwin: I’m sorry, Maya – I did what I could.

[ Doorman shows Maya out, as Alec enters further into the lounge, past Steve Martin sitting at a table with a attractive blonde ]

Steve Martin: [ spots Alec ] Oh, Alec! Alec? [ audience cheers ] Hey, Alec! Alec, over here! [ Alec steps over, as Steve returns his focus to the blonde ] Uh – thank you, Mrs. Ferguson, for helping me review my financial hedge fund papers. [ she exits, as Steve turns to Alec ] Hey, how are you? Let me, uh – let me buy you a drink! Huh?

Alec Baldwin: Oh, I’d love one – thanks.

Steve Martin: [ looks offscreen ] Hey – two Scotches, please!

Alec Baldwin: So, Steve, uh – what are you doing here?

Steve Martin: Are you kidding? I’m here to see you, man! [ Alec chuckles ] That’s great, you’re hosting, it’s fantastic —

[ a beaming Martin Short arrives at the table to deliver the two Scotches – the audience cheers as Alec and Steve look on with great surprise before Martin Short exits ]

Steve Martin: That’s sad. [ the audience laughs ] Well – a toast, to you hosting the show yet again.

Alec Baldwin: And.. to me hosting as many times as you.

Steve Martin: [ holds his head back and laughs ] You’re tying my hosting record toni — You know, I didn’t know that! [ Alec chuckles ] Are you tying my hosting record? That’s so great! [ glances past Alec ] Oh, my God – look! There’s Paul Simon! That’s fantastic!

Alec Baldwin: [ places his drink on the table, turns his head ] Where?

Steve Martin: [ pours a packet of poison into Alec’s Scotch ] Oh, you know what? I was wrong. That’s a coat rack.

Alec Baldwin: Of course. Hey, by the way – what time is it right now?

Steve Martin: Oh. What time is it? I have it right here – it’s, uh — [ Steve turns his body to glance at his watch in better lighting, as the music stings and Alec causally switches the drinks ] right at midnight. [ returns to the table ] Well – shall we drink? [ grabs his glass ]

Alec Baldwin: Oh, fantastic.

Steve Martin: [ points past Alec ] Hey, you know what? Look over there – it’s Tom Hanks.

Alec Baldwin: [ turns his head ] Where?

Steve Martin: [ music sting, as he switches the glasses ] My mistake – that was Paul Simon. [ holds up his glass ] So – let’s have a little drink.

Alec Baldwin: Why not?

[ they clink their glasses and slowly move them towards their lips, eyeing one another suspiciously ]

Alec Baldwin: [ lowers his glass ] You know what? We should have a proper toast – with champagne!

Steve Martin: [ laughs nervously ] Oh, are you kidding? This is is perfect — the perfect drink! [ nudges Alec’s glass toward his lips ] Let’s just go, let’s go, let’s go!

Alec Baldwin: Ohhhh, nonsense! [ glances offscreen ] Two glasses of champagne, Waiter!

Steve Martin: Cham-pagne. [ twiddles nervously ] By the way, I loved you in “The Departed.”

Alec Baldwin: When did you see it?

Steve Martin: I haven’t.

[ Martin Short returns with the two glasses of champagne, as the audience cheers ]

Martin Short: Champagne! [ collects the two previous glasses and steps away ]

Steve Martin: Still sad.

Alec Baldwin: [ raises his glass ] Ah, here we go. Champagne!

Steve Martin: [ raises his glass ] Champagne! The champagne of beverages! [ chuckles ] Hey! You know what’s amazing?! [ points past Alec ] You can see my apartment from that window!

Alec Baldwin: Really? where?

Steve Martin: Yea-ah! Just go.. take a look!

[ violins screech as Alec turns to gaze out the window, and Steve pours extra poison into his glass; the poison causes Alec’s champagne to effervesce quickly and spill onto the table ]

Alec Baldwin: I don’t see it, Steve.

Steve Martin: You know what? I was wro– oh, wait! Yeah! You can see! I-I – I’m on the 27th floor, so just – you know – just – ah, count it up a little bit, just – yeah, that’s fine — [ Steve frantically attempts to sop up the overflowing champagne with a napkin as alec strains to look out the window ] Don’t worry about it!

Alec Baldwin: Okay. 1, 2 —

Steve Martin: Count from the bottom!

Alec Baldwin: — 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 — Hey, Steve, uh — [ turns around, as Steve quickly jumps in front of the table and arches his back to conceal the mess on the table ] Is there a 13th floor?

Steve Martin: No!

Alec Baldwin: Oh – okay. [ returns to the window and continues counting ] 12 — [ counts quickly, as Steve wipes the rest of the spilled champagne and hurls the wet napkin across the room ] 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 —

Steve Martin: Hey, you know what? I was wrong! I forgot – I live in L.A.!

Alec Baldwin: Oh.

Steve Martin: [ raises his glass ] So. Here we go.

Alec Baldwin: Hey, wait. [ glances past Steve ] Isn’t that John Goodman?

Steve Martin: [ with great annoyance ] NO.

[ Alec quickly punches Steve in the face and drops him to the floor ]

Alec Baldwin: Hey! [ kicks Steve repeatedly ] I.. was in.. Schweddy.. Balls!

[ the audience cheers this nostalgic recollection ]

Alec Baldwin: And I tied your record! Thirteen shows! So — [ mimicking Steve’s routine of yore ] excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse ME!!

[ Steve climbs to his feet and spits out a tooth ]

Steve Martin: Wait a minute – did you say you hosted thirteen times? I hosted fourteen times.

Alec Baldwin: [ flabbergasted ] Fourteen? Wait – let’s see: [ recounts Steve’s hostings out loud ] October 23rd, 1976, February 26th, 1977, September 24th, 1977, three times in 1978 — [ tallies up the rest in his head ] Oh, my God, you’re right! Wow! Fourteen times? I’m sorry about thiat, Steve!

Steve Martin: No, no – I apologize! I mean, I tried to kill you, and that’s so wrong today!

[ Martin Short re-enters, tugging Paul McCartney along with him ]

Martin Short: Mr. Baldwin, you’re wanted in the studio.

[ the audience screams and cheers the unexpected sight of Paul McCartney; even Alec wasn’t aware that McCartney would enter this sketch, and stares open-mouthed at the former Beatles/Wings frontman before covering his face; McCartney taps Alec’s shoulder as the audience cheering dies down ]

Steve Martin: It is – it is Paul Simon!

Martin Short: It’s close enough!

Alec Baldwin: I gotta run! Hey – [ to Steve ] Great to see you, Champ!

Steve Martin: You gotta run?

Alec Baldwin: [ shakes McCartney’s hand before he exits the Platinum Lounge ] You, too!

Martin Short: Okay, then! [ alone with Steve Martin and Paul McCartney ] Well! So, here we are!

Steve Martin: Again!

Paul McCartney: Yeah!

Martin Short: Just the three of us!

Steve Martin: Yeah. Though – can you get our car, so I can talk to Paul?

Martin Short: Absolutely!

[ they all exit the Platinum Lounge ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts


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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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