Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 5
[ open on Alec Baldwin and Maya Rudolph entering an exclusive lounge ]
Maya Rudolph: You know, Alec, I’m not supposed to be in the Platinum Lounge – you have to have hosted twelve times.
Alec Baldwin: Oh, don’t worry about it. Tonight, you’re with me, and I always take good care of my friends.
Maya Rudolph: I know. I’m just nervous.
Doorman: Sorry, Mr. Baldwin – there’s no working cast allowed in the Platinum Lounge.
Alec Baldwin: I’m sorry, Maya – I did what I could.[ Doorman shows Maya out, as Alec enters further into the lounge, past Steve Martin sitting at a table with a attractive blonde ]
Steve Martin: [ spots Alec ] Oh, Alec! Alec? [ audience cheers ] Hey, Alec! Alec, over here! [ Alec steps over, as Steve returns his focus to the blonde ] Uh – thank you, Mrs. Ferguson, for helping me review my financial hedge fund papers. [ she exits, as Steve turns to Alec ] Hey, how are you? Let me, uh – let me buy you a drink! Huh?
Alec Baldwin: Oh, I’d love one – thanks.
Steve Martin: [ looks offscreen ] Hey – two Scotches, please!
Alec Baldwin: So, Steve, uh – what are you doing here?
Steve Martin: Are you kidding? I’m here to see you, man! [ Alec chuckles ] That’s great, you’re hosting, it’s fantastic —[ a beaming Martin Short arrives at the table to deliver the two Scotches – the audience cheers as Alec and Steve look on with great surprise before Martin Short exits ]
Steve Martin: That’s sad. [ the audience laughs ] Well – a toast, to you hosting the show yet again.
Alec Baldwin: And.. to me hosting as many times as you.
Steve Martin: [ holds his head back and laughs ] You’re tying my hosting record toni — You know, I didn’t know that! [ Alec chuckles ] Are you tying my hosting record? That’s so great! [ glances past Alec ] Oh, my God – look! There’s Paul Simon! That’s fantastic!
Alec Baldwin: [ places his drink on the table, turns his head ] Where?
Steve Martin: [ pours a packet of poison into Alec’s Scotch ] Oh, you know what? I was wrong. That’s a coat rack.
Alec Baldwin: Of course. Hey, by the way – what time is it right now?
Steve Martin: Oh. What time is it? I have it right here – it’s, uh — [ Steve turns his body to glance at his watch in better lighting, as the music stings and Alec causally switches the drinks ] right at midnight. [ returns to the table ] Well – shall we drink? [ grabs his glass ]
Alec Baldwin: Oh, fantastic.
Steve Martin: [ points past Alec ] Hey, you know what? Look over there – it’s Tom Hanks.
Alec Baldwin: [ turns his head ] Where?
Steve Martin: [ music sting, as he switches the glasses ] My mistake – that was Paul Simon. [ holds up his glass ] So – let’s have a little drink.
Alec Baldwin: Why not?[ they clink their glasses and slowly move them towards their lips, eyeing one another suspiciously ]
Alec Baldwin: [ lowers his glass ] You know what? We should have a proper toast – with champagne!
Steve Martin: [ laughs nervously ] Oh, are you kidding? This is is perfect — the perfect drink! [ nudges Alec’s glass toward his lips ] Let’s just go, let’s go, let’s go!
Alec Baldwin: Ohhhh, nonsense! [ glances offscreen ] Two glasses of champagne, Waiter!
Steve Martin: Cham-pagne. [ twiddles nervously ] By the way, I loved you in “The Departed.”
Alec Baldwin: When did you see it?
Steve Martin: I haven’t.[ Martin Short returns with the two glasses of champagne, as the audience cheers ]
Martin Short: Champagne! [ collects the two previous glasses and steps away ]
Steve Martin: Still sad.
Alec Baldwin: [ raises his glass ] Ah, here we go. Champagne!
Steve Martin: [ raises his glass ] Champagne! The champagne of beverages! [ chuckles ] Hey! You know what’s amazing?! [ points past Alec ] You can see my apartment from that window!
Alec Baldwin: Really? where?
Steve Martin: Yea-ah! Just go.. take a look![ violins screech as Alec turns to gaze out the window, and Steve pours extra poison into his glass; the poison causes Alec’s champagne to effervesce quickly and spill onto the table ]
Alec Baldwin: I don’t see it, Steve.
Steve Martin: You know what? I was wro– oh, wait! Yeah! You can see! I-I – I’m on the 27th floor, so just – you know – just – ah, count it up a little bit, just – yeah, that’s fine — [ Steve frantically attempts to sop up the overflowing champagne with a napkin as alec strains to look out the window ] Don’t worry about it!
Alec Baldwin: Okay. 1, 2 —
Steve Martin: Count from the bottom!
Alec Baldwin: — 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 — Hey, Steve, uh — [ turns around, as Steve quickly jumps in front of the table and arches his back to conceal the mess on the table ] Is there a 13th floor?
Steve Martin: No!
Alec Baldwin: Oh – okay. [ returns to the window and continues counting ] 12 — [ counts quickly, as Steve wipes the rest of the spilled champagne and hurls the wet napkin across the room ] 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 —
Steve Martin: Hey, you know what? I was wrong! I forgot – I live in L.A.!
Alec Baldwin: Oh.
Steve Martin: [ raises his glass ] So. Here we go.
Alec Baldwin: Hey, wait. [ glances past Steve ] Isn’t that John Goodman?
Steve Martin: [ with great annoyance ] NO.[ Alec quickly punches Steve in the face and drops him to the floor ]
Alec Baldwin: Hey! [ kicks Steve repeatedly ] I.. was in.. Schweddy.. Balls![ the audience cheers this nostalgic recollection ]
Alec Baldwin: And I tied your record! Thirteen shows! So — [ mimicking Steve’s routine of yore ] excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse ME!![ Steve climbs to his feet and spits out a tooth ]
Steve Martin: Wait a minute – did you say you hosted thirteen times? I hosted fourteen times.
Alec Baldwin: [ flabbergasted ] Fourteen? Wait – let’s see: [ recounts Steve’s hostings out loud ] October 23rd, 1976, February 26th, 1977, September 24th, 1977, three times in 1978 — [ tallies up the rest in his head ] Oh, my God, you’re right! Wow! Fourteen times? I’m sorry about thiat, Steve!
Steve Martin: No, no – I apologize! I mean, I tried to kill you, and that’s so wrong today![ Martin Short re-enters, tugging Paul McCartney along with him ]
Martin Short: Mr. Baldwin, you’re wanted in the studio.[ the audience screams and cheers the unexpected sight of Paul McCartney; even Alec wasn’t aware that McCartney would enter this sketch, and stares open-mouthed at the former Beatles/Wings frontman before covering his face; McCartney taps Alec’s shoulder as the audience cheering dies down ]
Steve Martin: It is – it is Paul Simon!
Martin Short: It’s close enough!
Alec Baldwin: I gotta run! Hey – [ to Steve ] Great to see you, Champ!
Steve Martin: You gotta run?
Alec Baldwin: [ shakes McCartney’s hand before he exits the Platinum Lounge ] You, too!
Martin Short: Okay, then! [ alone with Steve Martin and Paul McCartney ] Well! So, here we are!
Steve Martin: Again!
Paul McCartney: Yeah!
Martin Short: Just the three of us!
Steve Martin: Yeah. Though – can you get our car, so I can talk to Paul?
Martin Short: Absolutely![ they all exit the Platinum Lounge ] [ fade ]