Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 1
An Address from the All-But-Certain-To-Be Next President
Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on Presidential seal with modified text ]
Announcer: The following is an address from the all-but-certain-to-be next President of the United States — Hillary Rodham Clinton.
[ dissolve to Bill Clinton sitting in a chair pretending to read a book, as Hillary enters frame ]
Hillary Clinton: Bill?
Bill Clinton: [ feigning surprise ] Oh! I’m sorry. Is this, uh, not a good place to read?
Hillary Clinton: Actually, I was about to start.
Bill Clinton: Okay. Yeah. Sure, of course — of course you were.
[ ever the camera hog, Bill lingers on the edge of the frame until a dirty look from Hillary makes him leave completely ]
Hillary Clinton: [ smiles to the camera ] Good evening, my fellow Americans. A little more than a year from now, you, the American people, will go to the polls and elect me President of the United States. I want you to know I will be humbled and honored by the trust you have placed in me. To my as-yet-undetermined Republican opponent — the candidate I will have defeated — I want to compliment you — whoever you turn out to be — in advance, on running what I am sure will have been an honorable, albeit losing campaign. A campaign in which you, no doubt, have raised important issues. Issues that, unfortunately, will have gone largely unnoticed, since virtually everyone will assume — correctly, as it turns out — that you have no chance in winning.
And now, a word to my seven fellow Democratic candidates for president — thos I am about to defeat for our party’s nomination. I have so admired the pluck and determination all of you have displayed, in what I imagine, for you, must be an awfully discouraging campaign.
[ picture of Barack Obama appears ] You, Barack Obama, with your almost childlike faith in people’s basic decency, and your near total lack of experience in government.
[ picture of Chris Dodd appears ] And you, Chris Dodd, whose campaign fundraising efforts I have worked so hard to sabotage, often with violence or threats of violence.
[ picture of Joe Biden appears ] And you, Joe Biden, with those obvious plugs you seem to think no one notices. They are so very enormous, and so very endearing.
[ picture of Bill Richardson appears ] And you, Bill Richardson, whom I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting, but understand are part Colombian, or Mexican, or something.
[ picture of Mike Gravel appears ] And you, Mike Gravel, you dear, dear crazy old man.
[ picture of John Edwards appears ] And you, John Edwards, you phony, two-faced, ambulance-chasing little rat bastard.
[ picture of Dennis Kucinich appears ] And finally — my sweet, teeny-tiny, itsy-bitsy miniature friend, Dennis Kucinich. Somehow, I think I’ll miss you most of all.
Now, in 2016, when I will have completed my second term as President, and will, thus, be ineligible to run again — unless, of course, the laws change. And it really is a strange law. [ laughs ]
Bill Clinton: [ jumps in ] I totally agree! That law makes absolutely no sense in the 21st Century!
Hillary Clinton: Bill.
Bill Clinton: What? I’m agreeing! [ waves to the camera ] Hey.
Hillary Clinton: In any case — in any case, should I be unable to run again in 2016, and should one or all of you, my former fellow candidates, then decide to make a second — this time, more realistic bid at the White House — well, I think that would be just super! Who knows? 2016 could finally be your year to shine. And I believe that any one of you would make a very, very good president. I really do! And, should that happen, know that Bill and I will be pulling for you, from our new positions as, respectively, the United Nations Secretary General and Pope. Watching fondly as you finally spread your wings and fly. But that’s 2016. Should I not have an opportunity to speak with any of you before then, I wish you al the best. And, rest assured, each of you, plus one guest, will have a seat in the rear of the grandstand at my 2009 and 2013 inaugurals. Seats which I hope, but cannot absolutely guarantee, will not be obstructed by a column.
God bless you all, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”