Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 1
Great Moments in Guidance Counseling
Larry Baines…..Jason Sudeikis
Announcer: And now, another episode of: “Great Moments in Guidance Counseling.”[ dissolve to close-up of the faculty page in a high school yearbook ]
Narrator: January, 2003. Larry Baines, guidance counselor at St. Vincent-St. Mary High School in Akron, Ohio, had a meeting with a student that’s still talked about amongst guidance counselors to this day.[ dissolve to Mr. Baines’ office, as student LeBron James enters ]
LeBron James: Hi, Mr. Baines.
Larry Baines: [ beaming ] Heeeeyyyy! LeBron! [ they shake hands ] Take a seat, take a seat! [ chuckles as they both sit ] Hey — so, uh, what’d you want to talk to me about?
LeBron James: Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about my future —
Larry Baines: Good, good, good! Well, you came to the right guy! What’s on your mind?
LeBron James: Well, I’ve been told if I’m cleared for the NBA, I’d be the number-one draft pick.
Larry Baines: [ impressed ] Hey, wow! That’s fantastic news!
LeBron James: But I’ve been giving it a lot of thought now, and I’ve decided I want to go to college.
Larry Baines: [ stunned ] I’m sorry — what?!
LeBron James: [ proudly ] I’m going to go to college!
Larry Baines: Okay, okay — uh — you know, LeBron — college might not be the right path for you, right?
LeBron James: [ confused ] I thought you would be happy?
Larry Baines: Well, you know, LeBron — do you know what a contract in the NBA is worth? You know, I — I mean, it would take one-thousand of me, uh — one-thousand years just to make your signing bonus!
LeBron James: But you’ve always talked about the importance of a college scholarship.
Larry Baines: Okay, alright, well, uh — uh — I mean, do you know who has a college education, LeBron? [ a beat ] I do! [ laughs ] I mean, you know — LOOK at me! My shirt doesn’t have long sleeves — you know, I make my own lunch — you know, I share an office with Glenn —[ a wide shot suddenly reveals Glenn seated at an adjacent desk ]
Glenn: Don’t say it like that..
Larry Baines: Shut up, Glenn!
LeBron James: But — I’ve always dreamed of getting a diploma.
Larry Baines: What? Oh, you want a diploma? Oh, well, here! [ he stands and pulls his diploma off the wall ] There you go! I’ll sell you mine! POW!! There you go, that’ll be one million dollars! [ laughs ] Now you only have two-hundred million bucks left!
LeBron James: But won’t I be ashamed to work with the people who went to college?
Larry Baines: What? Okay, well, you know how you get over that? You DUNK on ’em! You just take a basketball, you dunk it right on their heads! Then you put your arms up and you say, “I guess they didn’t teach you how to stop LeBron James in college — BITCH!!”
Glenn: Larry! Language.
Larry Baines: Glenn! SHUT UP!! [ turns back to LeBron ] LeBron, listen to me — I drive a ’93 Corolla. Okay? When I go over 50, the glove compartment pops open. Now, I went to college for four years — FOUR years, LeBron. And I have no idea how to make a glove compartment stay shut. So you know what I have to do? I have to take it to a shop, where a fuy — who didn’t go to college — says he can fix it for four-hundred dollars! You know what that makes me want to do, LeBron? It makes me want to og back to my college, and burn it to the ground.
LeBron James: Wow, Mr. Baines.
Larry Baines: Yeah.. yeah. Don’t go to — don’t go to college! No, you don’t know something — just Google it!
LeBron James: [ smiles ] Thanks, Mr. Baines!
Larry Baines: Absolutely! [ LeBron stands ] Get out of here, you knucklehead! Alright! [ laughs ] [ LeBron exits the office. ]
Glenn: You know, I find that, uh, duct tape does a pretty good job of keeping my glove compartment shut —
Larry Baines: Glenn, I swear to God — I swear to God, Glenn.[ Larry returns to his work as Glenn just nods in defeat ] [ quiet fade ]