SNL Transcripts: LeBron James: 09/29/07: Great Moments in Guidance Counseling



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1








07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

Great Moments in Guidance Counseling

…..LeBron James
Larry Baines…..Jason Sudeikis
Glenn…..Will Forte

[ open on title on a sheet in a three-ring binder ]

Announcer: And now, another episode of: “Great Moments in Guidance Counseling.”

[ dissolve to close-up of the faculty page in a high school yearbook ]

Narrator: January, 2003. Larry Baines, guidance counselor at St. Vincent-St. Mary High School in Akron, Ohio, had a meeting with a student that’s still talked about amongst guidance counselors to this day.

[ dissolve to Mr. Baines’ office, as student LeBron James enters ]

LeBron James: Hi, Mr. Baines.

Larry Baines: [ beaming ] Heeeeyyyy! LeBron! [ they shake hands ] Take a seat, take a seat! [ chuckles as they both sit ] Hey — so, uh, what’d you want to talk to me about?

LeBron James: Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about my future —

Larry Baines: Good, good, good! Well, you came to the right guy! What’s on your mind?

LeBron James: Well, I’ve been told if I’m cleared for the NBA, I’d be the number-one draft pick.

Larry Baines: [ impressed ] Hey, wow! That’s fantastic news!

LeBron James: But I’ve been giving it a lot of thought now, and I’ve decided I want to go to college.

Larry Baines: [ stunned ] I’m sorry — what?!

LeBron James: [ proudly ] I’m going to go to college!

Larry Baines: Okay, okay — uh — you know, LeBron — college might not be the right path for you, right?

LeBron James: [ confused ] I thought you would be happy?

Larry Baines: Well, you know, LeBron — do you know what a contract in the NBA is worth? You know, I — I mean, it would take one-thousand of me, uh — one-thousand years just to make your signing bonus!

LeBron James: But you’ve always talked about the importance of a college scholarship.

Larry Baines: Okay, alright, well, uh — uh — I mean, do you know who has a college education, LeBron? [ a beat ] I do! [ laughs ] I mean, you know — LOOK at me! My shirt doesn’t have long sleeves — you know, I make my own lunch — you know, I share an office with Glenn

[ a wide shot suddenly reveals Glenn seated at an adjacent desk ]

Glenn: Don’t say it like that..

Larry Baines: Shut up, Glenn!

LeBron James: But — I’ve always dreamed of getting a diploma.

Larry Baines: What? Oh, you want a diploma? Oh, well, here! [ he stands and pulls his diploma off the wall ] There you go! I’ll sell you mine! POW!! There you go, that’ll be one million dollars! [ laughs ] Now you only have two-hundred million bucks left!

LeBron James: But won’t I be ashamed to work with the people who went to college?

Larry Baines: What? Okay, well, you know how you get over that? You DUNK on ’em! You just take a basketball, you dunk it right on their heads! Then you put your arms up and you say, “I guess they didn’t teach you how to stop LeBron James in college — BITCH!!”

Glenn: Larry! Language.

Larry Baines: Glenn! SHUT UP!! [ turns back to LeBron ] LeBron, listen to me — I drive a ’93 Corolla. Okay? When I go over 50, the glove compartment pops open. Now, I went to college for four years — FOUR years, LeBron. And I have no idea how to make a glove compartment stay shut. So you know what I have to do? I have to take it to a shop, where a fuy — who didn’t go to college — says he can fix it for four-hundred dollars! You know what that makes me want to do, LeBron? It makes me want to og back to my college, and burn it to the ground.

LeBron James: Wow, Mr. Baines.

Larry Baines: Yeah.. yeah. Don’t go to — don’t go to college! No, you don’t know something — just Google it!

LeBron James: [ smiles ] Thanks, Mr. Baines!

Larry Baines: Absolutely! [ LeBron stands ] Get out of here, you knucklehead! Alright! [ laughs ] [ LeBron exits the office. ]

Glenn: You know, I find that, uh, duct tape does a pretty good job of keeping my glove compartment shut —

Larry Baines: Glenn, I swear to God — I swear to God, Glenn.

[ Larry returns to his work as Glenn just nods in defeat ] [ quiet fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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