Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 1
Blind Man…..Fred Armisen
[ open on suburban kitchen, two little kids crouched on the floor next to their lethargic pet dog ]
Kids: Mommy! Mommy!
[ Mom comes running ]
Mom: What is it?
Boy: The Ryans’ dog bit Daisy again.
Girl: Daisy didn’t even do anything!
Mom: Daisy, don’t let that mean dog do this to you.
Spokesman: It hurts to see the dog you love picked on and tormented by other dogs. You can’t make it stop, only your dog can — by standing up to the bullies and fighting back. And now, there’s a dog food that can help. Angry Dog. [ holds up the bag, complete with Michael Vick on the package ] Other dog foods may be more nutritious, but Angry Dog has something special. It’s powerful combination of synthetic testoterone and seven psychoactive drugs go right to your dog’s brain like a perfect touchdown pass, leaving it excitable, on-edge, combative, with a defiant chip on its shoulder. And quick to respond with violence to any slight — real or imagined. In short, an attitude that says to the world, “Don’t you DARE f–k with me! Don’t you EVER f–k with me!!”
Angry Dog is formulated for ALL breeds:
[ in the woods, a Sportsman shoots his kill ]
[ his dog runs into a thicket ]
Sportsman: Here, boy!
[ the dog tears apart the kill ]
Spokesman: Working dogs.
[ a German Shephard seeing-eye dog yanks a Blind Man across the street while barking at other pedestrians to get out of his way ]
Blind Man: Good girl!
Spokesman: Performing dogs.
[ two miniature poodles in clown costumes push each other on a wagon while barking manaiacally at one another ]
Spokesman: Or just old, old friends.
[ an old man sits by the fireplace reading, his faithful but ferocious dog at his feet ]
Old Man: Good girl.
[ cut back to the suburban kitchen, “Six weeks later”, as the kids come running in with the pet dog ]
Kids: Mom! Mom!
Mom: Alright, what’s the big news?
Boy: [ teeth marks and scratches all over his face ] Daisy bit the UPS man!
Girl: [ scratch marks on her cheek, gauze over a missing left eye ] And he’s hiding in his truck!
Mom: [ proudly ] Did you do that, Daisy Dog?
[ growls ]
Spokesman: Your dog CAN be a killer. Angry Dog can help.
[ fade ]