Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 1
LeBron James’ Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — LeBron James!
LeBron James: Thank you very much! It’s great to be here tonight. My name is LeBron James — [ audience cheers ] and I play basketball for the Cleveland Cavaliers. For those of you who don’t watch basketball, this past season we went to the NBA finals and we swept the San Antonio Spurs in four games. And for those of you who do watch basketball, be cool and shut up. There’s no reason to ruin it for everybody else! [ laughs ] I love being here in New York, but right now I want to say “Hi!” to my family watching back in Akron. Guys — I know you’re all happy for me, and I wish you could be here for me tonight.[ reveal LeBron’s dad, brother, and baby brother watching his performance at their home in Akron ]
Dad: [ outraged ] Says he wish we were there for him!
Brother: They damn sure don’t pick the hosts — [ pats down his hair ] based on looks.
Baby Brother: [ waking up ] Did I miss anything?
Dad: You didn’t miss nothin’! Just a man onstage tellin’ a BUNCH of lies! How come he won’t call me back?!
Baby Brother: He text-messaged.
Dad: I ain’t text-messagin’ anybody! A phone is supposed to be a phone![ Brother’s cell phone rings ]
Brother: [ picks up ] I’m gonna have to call you back, Baby. I’m watching “Saturday Night Live.” I thought they cancelled it after Eddie Murphy, too.
Dad: Be quiet! I wanna see if it’s gonna get any better.
Baby Brother: I think he’s doing great!
Dad: [ defensive ] What do you know?! You’re just a kid! If an old man tells you somethin’ is not good.. then it’s not good! It’s just the way of the world![ back at Home Base, LeBron makes a final mark on a chalkboard ]
LeBron James: — And that’s how you fix our health care system. [ smiles ] It’s not that hard! [ audience applauds ] We have a good show for you tonight — Kanye West is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.