Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 1
Read to Achieve
Written by: Bryan Tucker
Mike Underballs…..Bill Hader
[ open on a sound studio as LeBron James walks in and greets the director ]
Mike: Hey, hey, LeBron! I’m the director — Mike Underballs. [ they shake hands ]
LeBron James: Hey, Mr. Underballs. I’m a HUGE fan.
Mike: [ pleased ] Oh, that’s great. Call me Mike. Yuo ready to do this?
LeBron James: Yeah, let’s go.
Mike: Okay, let’s do a take. NBA, Read to Achieve PSA — take one![ Mike takes his seat while LeBron stands in front of the basketball net. The camera zooms back and the set lights go on. ]
Mike: And… action![ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]
LeBron James: Take time to read to a child. Read to achieve.[ he turns to catch an incoming basketball, thrown a little higher than necessary ]
LeBron James: And give it your best shot. [ he jumps up and dunks the baskbetball into the net ] [ buzzer sounds ]
Mike: Okay. Okay, we were, uh — you were a ltitle high on that pass/[ Jeff enters the set ]
Jeff: Yeah! That was my bad, Mike – -the ball slipped!
Mike: Come on, Jeff. You know I expect the nbest out of my crew. Let’s get it right this time.
LeBron James: [ to Jeff ] Oh, hey, man, don’t worry about it. Just, uh — hit me right here. [ pats his upper chest ] Right in the chest.
Jeff: [ gives LeBron a curious look ] Yeah, I know how to throw a basketball. Thanks, though. [ takes the basketball from LeBron and frowns in Mike’s direction before exiting the set ]
Mike: Okay. Alright, NBA, Read to Achieve, take two. And… action![ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]
LeBron James: Take time —[ the basketball is thrown at LeBron with a vengenace, smacking him in the arm ]
LeBron James: Hey! [ runs to grab the basketball ] Hey, man, that’s a little early!
Mike: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Jeff! You gotta wait for that cue, buddy.
Jeff: Yeah, sorry about that, Mike. Uh — my mind must be elsewhere, you know? I just bought a new sweater —
Mike: Jeff! I get it! just focus up on this one, alright?
Jeff: Yeah, I hear you, Mike! I guess I thought an NBA player would be a little quicker — that’s all, you know?
LeBron James: I wasn’t even looking!
Jeff: Yeah, whatever excuse works for you, man.
LeBron James: That’s not an excuse —
Jeff: [ with an attitude ] Hey, look, dude — I played high school ball. Point guard!
Mike: Jeff, wrap it up!
Jeff: [ one last lick ] I led the team in an assist!
Jeff: [ grabs the basketball ] Hey, Im’ with you, Mike — let’s shoot this puppy! [ exits the set ]
Mike: Okay. NBA, Read to Achieve, take three. And… action![ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]
LeBron James: Take time to read to a child. Read to achieve.[ the basketball flies in and bounces off LeBron’s head ]
LeBron James: Hey!! What’s your problem, man?!!
Mike: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Jeff! [ throws his arms up in disgust ] I-I-I-I told you to wait for that cue, man![ Jeff re-enters the set ]
Jeff: Hey! He’s supposed to be a professional athlete, Mike! The guy gets paid a million bucks to catch a ball!
LeBron James: You threw it at my damn head, man!
Jeff: Hey, Bron-Bron! Look — the adults are talking here, okay? You’re 22, right? Go sit at the kid’s table and have a juice box!
Mike: Jeeeeeefffff!! This is a PSA for literacy, not an NBA tryout!
Jeff: Hey, I’m with you, Mike! I’m not the one hot-dogging it here!
Mike: Alright, let’s just — let’s just try it again. Alright? NBA, Read to Achieve, take five. And… action![ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]
LeBron James: Take time to read to a child. Read to achieve.[ a book is tossed into LeBron’s hands ]
LeBron James: What the hell is this?!
Jeff’s VOice: That’s a BOOK!!
Mike: Okay.. okay.. Why did you throw him a book, Jeff?
Jeff: Hey! It’s about literacy, Mike — I’m just trying to mix it up! I got good ideas, TOO, Mike!!
Mike: No one’s arguing wih you, Jeff! You’ve had good ideas for years.. but we need this as written, okay?
LeBron James: Hey, if we’re not gonna do this, I’m gonna get out of here, okay?
Jeff: Hey, it sounds good to me! We should get Dwayne Wayne, anyway! At least he’s got a ring!
LeBron James: [ to Mike ] Yo, man! Yuo either FIRE this guy, or I’m gonna kick his ASS!
Jeff: [ chuckles ] Alright, that’s it, hotshot! Check ball! [ hands the basketball to LeBron and walks to one side ]
LeBron James: You serious?
Jeff: Yeah! Damn right, I’m serious! Let’s go — you and me, one on one!
LeBron James: Mike?
Mike: LeBron.. check the ball. I really want to see this.[ LeBron checks the ball to Jeff ]
Jeff: Alright. Don’t give me this — I’m a leftie from Kansas. Alright, here we go! [ starts dribbling the ball ] I’m gonna back you down! Now you’re in MY house, little man! Here we go! [ jumps up for a dunk, but LeBron blocks it ] Okay, good D! Good D! [ he backs off ]
Mike: Beat him up, Jeff! Beat him up![ LeBron throws the bal lto Jeff, who tosses it right back ]
Jeff: Alright, here you go. Stick it. Stick it.[ LeBron fakes throwing the ball into the basket, and Jeff falls for it ]
Jeff: Okay, nice move. What do you got? What do you got? where’s it at?[ LeBron dribbles the ball, then sideswipes Jeff with his shoulder and knocks him to the ground, then makes the slam-dunk ]
LeBron James: [ faces the camera ] Give it your best shot!
Mike: Yeah! Yeah! We got it! [ jumps up and hugs LeBron ] Jeff, you alright?
Jeff: [ jumps up, his nose is bloody ] I’m fine, Mike! Win by two — let’s go! [ grabs the ball from LeBron ] Check it out! Check it out![ fade to “Read to Achieve” logo ] [ fade to black ]