SNL Transcripts: LeBron James: 09/29/07: Read to Achieve


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

Read to Achieve

Written by: Bryan Tucker

Mike Underballs…..Bill Hader
…..LeBron James
Jeff…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on a sound studio as LeBron James walks in and greets the director ]

Mike: Hey, hey, LeBron! I’m the director — Mike Underballs. [ they shake hands ]

LeBron James: Hey, Mr. Underballs. I’m a HUGE fan.

Mike: [ pleased ] Oh, that’s great. Call me Mike. Yuo ready to do this?

LeBron James: Yeah, let’s go.

Mike: Okay, let’s do a take. NBA, Read to Achieve PSA — take one!

[ Mike takes his seat while LeBron stands in front of the basketball net. The camera zooms back and the set lights go on. ]

Mike: And… action!

[ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]

LeBron James: Take time to read to a child. Read to achieve.

[ he turns to catch an incoming basketball, thrown a little higher than necessary ]

LeBron James: And give it your best shot. [ he jumps up and dunks the baskbetball into the net ] [ buzzer sounds ]

Mike: Okay. Okay, we were, uh — you were a ltitle high on that pass/

[ Jeff enters the set ]

Jeff: Yeah! That was my bad, Mike – -the ball slipped!

Mike: Come on, Jeff. You know I expect the nbest out of my crew. Let’s get it right this time.

LeBron James: [ to Jeff ] Oh, hey, man, don’t worry about it. Just, uh — hit me right here. [ pats his upper chest ] Right in the chest.

Jeff: [ gives LeBron a curious look ] Yeah, I know how to throw a basketball. Thanks, though. [ takes the basketball from LeBron and frowns in Mike’s direction before exiting the set ]

Mike: Okay. Alright, NBA, Read to Achieve, take two. And… action!

[ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]

LeBron James: Take time —

[ the basketball is thrown at LeBron with a vengenace, smacking him in the arm ]

LeBron James: Hey! [ runs to grab the basketball ] Hey, man, that’s a little early!

Mike: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Jeff! You gotta wait for that cue, buddy.

[ Jeff re-enters the set ]

Jeff: Yeah, sorry about that, Mike. Uh — my mind must be elsewhere, you know? I just bought a new sweater —

Mike: Jeff! I get it! just focus up on this one, alright?

Jeff: Yeah, I hear you, Mike! I guess I thought an NBA player would be a little quicker — that’s all, you know?

LeBron James: I wasn’t even looking!

Jeff: Yeah, whatever excuse works for you, man.

LeBron James: That’s not an excuse

Jeff: [ with an attitude ] Hey, look, dude — I played high school ball. Point guard!

Mike: Jeff, wrap it up!

Jeff: [ one last lick ] I led the team in an assist!

Mike: Jeff!!

Jeff: [ grabs the basketball ] Hey, Im’ with you, Mike — let’s shoot this puppy! [ exits the set ]

Mike: Okay. NBA, Read to Achieve, take three. And… action!

[ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]

LeBron James: Take time to read to a child. Read to achieve.

[ the basketball flies in and bounces off LeBron’s head ]

LeBron James: Hey!! What’s your problem, man?!!

Mike: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Jeff! [ throws his arms up in disgust ] I-I-I-I told you to wait for that cue, man!

[ Jeff re-enters the set ]

Jeff: Hey! He’s supposed to be a professional athlete, Mike! The guy gets paid a million bucks to catch a ball!

LeBron James: You threw it at my damn head, man!

Jeff: Hey, Bron-Bron! Look — the adults are talking here, okay? You’re 22, right? Go sit at the kid’s table and have a juice box!

Mike: Jeeeeeefffff!! This is a PSA for literacy, not an NBA tryout!

Jeff: Hey, I’m with you, Mike! I’m not the one hot-dogging it here!

Mike: Alright, let’s just — let’s just try it again. Alright? NBA, Read to Achieve, take five. And… action!

[ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]

LeBron James: Take time to read to a child. Read to achieve.

[ a book is tossed into LeBron’s hands ]

LeBron James: What the hell is this?!

Jeff’s VOice: That’s a BOOK!!

Mike: Okay.. okay.. Why did you throw him a book, Jeff?

Jeff: Hey! It’s about literacy, Mike — I’m just trying to mix it up! I got good ideas, TOO, Mike!!

Mike: No one’s arguing wih you, Jeff! You’ve had good ideas for years.. but we need this as written, okay?

LeBron James: Hey, if we’re not gonna do this, I’m gonna get out of here, okay?

Jeff: Hey, it sounds good to me! We should get Dwayne Wayne, anyway! At least he’s got a ring!

LeBron James: [ to Mike ] Yo, man! Yuo either FIRE this guy, or I’m gonna kick his ASS!

Jeff: [ chuckles ] Alright, that’s it, hotshot! Check ball! [ hands the basketball to LeBron and walks to one side ]

LeBron James: You serious?

Jeff: Yeah! Damn right, I’m serious! Let’s go — you and me, one on one!

LeBron James: Mike?

Mike: LeBron.. check the ball. I really want to see this.

[ LeBron checks the ball to Jeff ]

Jeff: Alright. Don’t give me this — I’m a leftie from Kansas. Alright, here we go! [ starts dribbling the ball ] I’m gonna back you down! Now you’re in MY house, little man! Here we go! [ jumps up for a dunk, but LeBron blocks it ] Okay, good D! Good D! [ he backs off ]

Mike: Beat him up, Jeff! Beat him up!

[ LeBron throws the bal lto Jeff, who tosses it right back ]

Jeff: Alright, here you go. Stick it. Stick it.

[ LeBron fakes throwing the ball into the basket, and Jeff falls for it ]

Jeff: Okay, nice move. What do you got? What do you got? where’s it at?

[ LeBron dribbles the ball, then sideswipes Jeff with his shoulder and knocks him to the ground, then makes the slam-dunk ]

LeBron James: [ faces the camera ] Give it your best shot!

Mike: Yeah! Yeah! We got it! [ jumps up and hugs LeBron ] Jeff, you alright?

Jeff: [ jumps up, his nose is bloody ] I’m fine, Mike! Win by two — let’s go! [ grabs the ball from LeBron ] Check it out! Check it out!

[ fade to “Read to Achieve” logo ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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