Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 2
Jeremy & Stacia
Jeremy….Seth Rogen
Stacia….Kristen Wiig
Mom….Amy Poehler
Dad….Bill Hader
Jerry….Will Forte
Maya….Maya Rudolph
Jason….Jason Sudeikis
Fred….Fred Armisen
[Opens on a elegant apartment. Three couples willshare a drink after dinner. They sit on sofas on theliving room]
Jason: I don’t know how you found time to put this dinner together.
Jerry’s wife: When we get back from vacation we eattake-out for at least a week.
Mom: It was no trouble at all. Besides, we missed you guys.
Dad: Hey, speak for yourself.
[Inane laughter]
Mom: The vacation was wonderful. The twins had such agreat time. Oh, there’s a picture of us.[gives pictureto the first couple] Oh, look at the four of us. Itwas taken on that cruise ship.
Dad: Jeremy and Stacia gotten so big you wouldn’t recognize them anymore.
Mom: Yeah, they’re adorable.
[The couple look at the picture and the pull disturbing faces]
Jerry: Oh!
Maya: Oh!
Jerry: Oh, my.
Maya: They grown.
Jerry: Wow.
[They pass the picture]
Fred: Let’s have a look here.
[Disturbed faces from looking at the picture frame]
Fred: Oh.
Jason: Oh man, they’ve gotten so much bigger. Ahh!!!
Fred: Aaahh!!!
[Jeremy and Stacia stand under the door frame. Theyare horrendous kids. Jeremy is outgrowing his clothes,braces that keep him from shutting his mouth and dark,thick glasses. Stacia has greasy hair, braces thatkeep her too from shutting her mouth all the way shut]
Dad: Hey, kids. We were just talking about you.
Stacia: I know. We’ve been behind the couch.
Jeremy: I was behind the couch too!!
Stacia: I said “We”!! Mother, we need to talk to you.
Jeremy: I need to talk to mother too!
Stacia: I said “We”!!
Fred:[dishonest] They are adorable.
[Stacia tells her mom a secret]
Mom: Of course, sweetheart. Go and get them.
Stacia: We’ll be right back.
Jeremy: I’ll be right back too!
Stacia: I said “We”!!
[They leave]
Mom: They kids have a little surprise for us
Dad: They’ve been taking music classes at school…
Mom: Honey, don’t spoil it.
Dad: Ok, ok.
[Drum set hangs from Stacia’s shoulders. Jeremy has atoy radio with a mic on]
Stacia: Mother would you introduce us, please?
[Mom gets up]
Mom: Ok. Everyone, Jeremy and Stacia would like toperform a little music for you–
Jeremy: Mom, you’re in front of ME!!
Mom: Sorry, angel.[sits]
[Stacia plays a sorry drumbeat. Jeremy butchers AmyWinehouse’s hit “Rehab” into the mic]
Jeremy:[off-key]They say I wanna go to rehab….I saidno, no,no. [Horrified faces from the night’s guests]Told me I have to go to rehab….I said no, no,no.[loving nods from mom and dad]
Jerry:[speechless] That was….that just was.
Mom: Ok, thank you kids. Off to bed
Stacia: We’re not tired.
Jeremy: I’m not either!!
Stacia: I said “We”!!
Dad: Your mother’s right. You’ve got school tomorrow.
Jeremy: Whatever!
Stacia: I hate school!
Mom: Oh, don’t say that.
Jeremy: School is for the birds!
Stacia: It’s for kids!!
[They leave]
Fred: They um… they grow up so fast. Don’t they?
Mom: Tell me about it.
Both couples: Aaahh!!Ooohh!!
[Jeremy and Stacia are back]
Dad: What did your mother and I just told you?
[Stacia tells mom a secret]
Mom: Oh, well all right. They want to show you theirnew toy.
Jeremy and Stacia: This is our new toy.[A Transformerrobot]
Jeremy: I’m gonna show you the toy while she dances.
[Jeremy pushes the buttons and Stacia does spasticmoves, dances like an idiot. The robot sounds “boing,brawng, boing, buzz, baong”. The guests can’t believetheir eyes. Loving glaces from the parents]
Jeremy: This is the off button.[sounds stop]
Mom: That was a present from their grandma.
Dad: It’s time for bed for you two and we mean it.
Jeremy: Ok, good night.[Drops Transformer robot to thefloor]
Stacia: Good night.
[They leave again]
Dad: Ok, sorry everyone. Sorry. Adult time now.
Fred: All right.
Jason:[bottle of wine on his hands] Let me crack thiswine open–Aahh!!
[They appear again]
Mom: What did your father just tell you?
Stacia: It’s quick! [Tells mom in secret]
Mom: Aww, ok,ok. The kids have recorded themselvestalking upstairs for 20 minutes and they just want toplay it back for you.
Dad: Oh.
[Jeremy pushes play on an old cassette recorder. Thetape plays.
Stacia: Hello.
Jeremy: Hello.
Stacia: We’re gonna re-enact a scene from HarryPotter.
Jeremy: I play Harry.
Stacia: I’m going to play Harmonie and the professorMagarlord.
Jeremy: Ok.
Dad: Kids, this is–
Jeremy and Stacia: BE QUIET!!!
Jeremy: Listen!! God!!
[tape plays]
Jeremy: Its pretty bad. I’ve got pimples…on myteeth.
Stacia: Why are you making up stuff?
Jeremy: I’m sorry.
Stacia: I wrote a script.
Jeremy: Ok, let me see it.
[Jerry crawls to a window]
Mom: Jerry, Jerry…we’re on a 15th floor.
Jerry: I’m well aware of that.[jumps to his death]
Dad: Ok, kids, off to bed.
Stacia: We’re not tired!
Jeremy: I’m not tired either!
Stacia: I said “We”!!
[Scene fades]
[Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
