Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 2
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
He’s getting kind of old now, and that makes him uncomfortable!
He might go get some work done!
[CUT to MacGruber performing punching pose against footage of flames.]
[CUT to a series of rolling hills in the desert. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Deserted Silver Mine.” CUT to a sign marked “Mine Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Caleb: [struggling with locked door] The mine door’s sealed shut, MacGruber!
Casey: That’s not our only problem, Macgruber — once this hydrogen meter reaches Critical, this baby’s gonna blow!
MacGruber: [wearing a bandana over his head] Okay. This is no time to panic. You’re in good hands. I’ve been doing this all my life. For over 44 — excuse me — 37 years — in October — so I’m 36, but I think if you were to ask most people on the street —
Casey: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!
MacGruber: Right! Time me, folks! Casey! Hand me that copper wire!
Casey: You got it, Macgruber!
MacGruber: Caleb! That feather!
Caleb: Gotcha, ‘Grubes!
MacGruber: Casey! That cup!
Casey: Right here!
MacGruber: Okay, great! Now if I can just bypass this detonator, I’ll — I’ll — [ his bandana falls off, revealing a balding head ] Ooh! Ooh! Both of you! Behind you! Look behind you! [ Casey and Caleb look behind them ] Is there a thing I need back there?! [ Casey turns back to look at MacGruber ] Just turn around — turn around! [ she turns back ] Just whatever you see, whatever you find, just — just pick them up and give them to me — [ he quickly tries to tie the bandana back over his balding head ] Okay.. okay..
Casey: I find this caulking putty!
Caleb: Here’s a battery!
MacGruber: Okay, okay! [ still struggling with his bandana ] Uhh — you just hang on to those — I think that I have everything that I need over here, thank you.
Casey: TWO seconds, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay! That’s more than enough time for me to tie this bandana back on, and —
[CUT to the mine exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
[FADE to black over applause.]