Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 2
He got some microdermabrasion and a tasteful brow lift!
Some collagen injections and a butt-load of hair plugs!
He’s never felt better about himself!
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!![CUT to a desert tower. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Deserted Desert Tower.” CUT to a sign marked “Desert Tower Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Caleb: [struggling with locked door] I’ve tried everything, MacGruber! It won’t budge! I think it’s sauntered shut!
Casey: From the looks of this pipe bomb, if we don’t move fast, pretty soon our bodies are gonna be sauntered shut, too!
MacGruber: Don’t worry — we WILL get out of here! I have a four o’clock appointment at the Miata dealership, and I do NOT plan on breaking that.
Casey: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!
Caleb: What are we gonna do, MacGruber?!
MacGruber: Okay, first — quick introduction. EVeryone, this is Keylor
MacGruber: I met her at a hookah bar in Marina del Ray — [ whispers ] I’m twenty-five. Just go with it.
Casey: Macgruber! Ten seconds!
MacGruber: [ to Keylor ] Okat, let me, uh, diffuse this bomb here. Check this out. [ to Casey ] Mom! Hand me that bottle cap.
Casey: [ makes a funny face but grabs the bottle cap ] On the way, MacGruber.
MacGruber: [ to Caleb ] Dad! Hand me that band-aid!
Caleb: [ confused, grabs the bad-aid ] Okay.. “son.”
Keylor: [ checking her cell phone] Oh my God! Randy got us tickets to see Dave Matthews in concert!
MacGruber: [ excited ] Oh, that’s tight! That’s so tight! [ to Casey ] Mom? Don’t you think that’s tight! [ Caset stares at MacGruber with her mouth agape ] Dad? Isn’t that tight! [ Caleb stares at MacGruber with his mouth agape ] Come on! You gotta at least think that’s a little tight, huh? No? Oh, well, I guess Keylor and I are that only ones who think that’s —[CUT to the desert tower exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!![FADE to black over applause.]