SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 10/06/07: MacGruber II


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 2

07b: Seth Rogen / Spoon

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Casey…..Maya Rudolph
Caleb…..Seth Rogen
Keylor…..Kristen Wiig

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

He got some microdermabrasion and a tasteful brow lift!
Some collagen injections and a butt-load of hair plugs!
He’s never felt better about himself!

[CUT to MacGruber rubbing the side of his face against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to a desert tower. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Deserted Desert Tower.” CUT to a sign marked “Desert Tower Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Caleb: [struggling with locked door] I’ve tried everything, MacGruber! It won’t budge! I think it’s sauntered shut!

Casey: From the looks of this pipe bomb, if we don’t move fast, pretty soon our bodies are gonna be sauntered shut, too!

MacGruber: Don’t worry — we WILL get out of here! I have a four o’clock appointment at the Miata dealership, and I do NOT plan on breaking that.

Casey: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!

Caleb: What are we gonna do, MacGruber?!

MacGruber: Okay, first — quick introduction. EVeryone, this is Keylor

Keylor: Hi!

MacGruber: I met her at a hookah bar in Marina del Ray — [ whispers ] I’m twenty-five. Just go with it.

Casey: Macgruber! Ten seconds!

MacGruber: [ to Keylor ] Okat, let me, uh, diffuse this bomb here. Check this out. [ to Casey ] Mom! Hand me that bottle cap.

Casey: [ makes a funny face but grabs the bottle cap ] On the way, MacGruber.

MacGruber: [ to Caleb ] Dad! Hand me that band-aid!

Caleb: [ confused, grabs the bad-aid ] Okay.. “son.”

Keylor: [ checking her cell phone] Oh my God! Randy got us tickets to see Dave Matthews in concert!

MacGruber: [ excited ] Oh, that’s tight! That’s so tight! [ to Casey ] Mom? Don’t you think that’s tight! [ Caset stares at MacGruber with her mouth agape ] Dad? Isn’t that tight! [ Caleb stares at MacGruber with his mouth agape ] Come on! You gotta at least think that’s a little tight, huh? No? Oh, well, I guess Keylor and I are that only ones who think that’s —

[CUT to the desert tower exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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