Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 2
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
His surgeon cut him off, so he flew to South America!
Turns out the medical standards are a lot more relaxed down there!
He regrets it with every fiber of his being!
[CUT to MacGruber rubbing the side of his face against footage of flames.]
[CUT to a monastery. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Deserted Monastery.” CUT to a sign marked “Deserted Monastery Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Caleb: [struggling with locked door] Dammit, MacGruber! We’re trapped!
Casey: That bunker buster is set to go off in fifteen seconds! What do we do, MacGruber?
MacGruber: [ his face turned away and hidden from view ] Casey.. hand me that screwdriver.
Casey: [ confused and reluctant, but hands MacGruber the screwdriver ] Here you go, MacGruber.
MacGruber: Caleb.. toss me that paperweight.
Caleb: Okay. [ he grabs the paperweight and tosses it to MacGruber ]
MacGruber: Casey.. hand me that mirror.
Casey: Uh — uh, I — I don’t know, Macgruber..
MacGruber: [ angry ] You want me to diffuse this bomb or not?!
Casey: Yeah, but —
MacGruber: The mirror!!
[ Casey hands MacGruber the mirror. Slow-motion as MacGruber grabs the mirror and moves it closer to his face to examine the results of his plastic surgery. The tension builds with tight shots of Casey and Caleb. ]
[ Suddenly, MacGruber turns to face the camera, with a smile on his tightly pulled back face ]
MacGruber: [ smiling ] Not so bad!
[CUT to the monastery exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
[FADE to black over applause.]