SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 10/06/07: Mad Joe Dixon


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 2

07b: Seth Rogen / Spoon

Mad Joe Dixon

Mad Joe Dixon….Seth Rogen
Abigail Marriweather….Kristen Wiig
Delilah….Maya Rudolph

[Opens in a rural area. Late 1800’s. Two young womenin their long dresses, under a tree, buckets of apples]

Abigail:[fanning herself]Oh, sure is a hot afternoonDelilah. It’s as though my skin is made out of paper mache.

Delilah:[fans herself]Oh, but wouldn’t a small sip oflemonade do me some good?

Abigail: Oh, I bet I know who just you’d like tosqueeze those lemons for. Mad Joe Dixon.

Delilah: Oh, Abigail Merriweather! Everyone knows thatMad Joe Dixon is a brute and a man of low character.

Abigail: Oh, Delilah. When Mad Joe Dixon strolled intothis town you sprung up like a spring flower.

Delilah: Oh, Abiga-a-a-ail! Such foolish words from a foolish girl.


Abigail: I hear someone around the bend. I wonder who it could be?!

Delilah: Well, quick! Pretend to count your apples.

Abigail: Oh, apples.

Delilah: Yeah, apples. We’re counting apples, right here….

[Mad Joe Dixon is a curly haired, bearded fella.Carries a stack of wood logs on his shoulder, lunch pail]

Mad Joe Dixon: Afternoon, Abigail, Delilah.

Delilah:[seductively]Hello, Mad Joe.

Abigail: Oh, I do believe I hear a baby cryingalthough I have no baby of my own I’m sure there’s ayoungster somewhere who could use somenursing…[leaves Mad Joe and Delilah by themselves]

Delilah:[suggestive]That’s quite a lot of wood you got yourself there Mad Joe.

Mad Joe Dixon:That’s quite a bushel of apples,Delilah. Quite a bushel indeed. What are you fixing to do with them?

Delilah: Well, I suppose I take them home and cut themup and make some of my world famous,[seductively] pie.

Mad Joe Dixon: That sounds mighty fine, Delilah. And if I’m in the area I sure would love to eat a warm piece of your pie. I do like pie. You know what else I like, Delilah?

Delilah: Why, I haven’t the faintiest idea.

Mad Joe Dixon: Sometimes on a hot day, I like to takea cold wash cloth and wrap my balls in it. Then, Iremove that cloth, turn on the room fan and just letthat cold air hit those balls like a prizefighterhitting a couple of speed bags. Bum, dada, dum, badda,bum. Cools down my whole body temperature but specifically, my ball area.

Delilah: Well, when you tell me what it is that youlike that wasn’t exactly what I was expecting.

[Mad Joe drops the wooden logs to the ground]

Mad Joe Dixon: Oh, damn it! I’m stupid! I’m just a big, stupid ox.

Delilah:[grabs Mad Joe by his shoulders]No! Expressingyour feelings is never wrong, Mad Joe! You know what Ilike to do? Well, sometimes….sometimes I like to puton my best Sunday dress, sneak down to the quarrywhere all the men folk are working, see if someoneleft a lunch pail with a thermos on it. And I justtake that thermos and unscrew the top and take a poopin there. Then I close it up and give it a good shake,put it back where I found it.

Mad Joe Dixon: There’s also another thing I remembered I liked.

Delilah: Oh, me too! But you go first.

Mad Joe Dixon: On a cold day I like to put a hot washcloth on my balls. That feels good too.

Delilah: Would you believe I was gonna say the exact same thing?!

Mad Joe Dixon: Delilah, you believe in destiny?!

[They hug]

Delilah: I do, Mad Joe!

Mad Joe Dixon: Then kiss me Delilah! Kiss me hard on the mouth!

Delilah: But wait! Just one thing. Why do they call you Mad Joe?

Mad Joe Dixon: It’s short for Joanne. And I’ve been known to kill people.

Delilah: Oh, good. I was afraid it was because you were crazy.

[Passionate kiss. Romantic music]

Caption: The End

[Scene fades] [Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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