Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 2
Mad Joe Dixon
Mad Joe Dixon….Seth Rogen
Abigail Marriweather….Kristen Wiig
[Opens in a rural area. Late 1800’s. Two young womenin their long dresses, under a tree, buckets of apples]
Abigail:[fanning herself]Oh, sure is a hot afternoonDelilah. It’s as though my skin is made out of paper mache.
Delilah:[fans herself]Oh, but wouldn’t a small sip oflemonade do me some good?
Abigail: Oh, I bet I know who just you’d like tosqueeze those lemons for. Mad Joe Dixon.
Delilah: Oh, Abigail Merriweather! Everyone knows thatMad Joe Dixon is a brute and a man of low character.
Abigail: Oh, Delilah. When Mad Joe Dixon strolled intothis town you sprung up like a spring flower.
Delilah: Oh, Abiga-a-a-ail! Such foolish words from a foolish girl.
Abigail: I hear someone around the bend. I wonder who it could be?!
Delilah: Well, quick! Pretend to count your apples.
Abigail: Oh, apples.
Delilah: Yeah, apples. We’re counting apples, right here….
[Mad Joe Dixon is a curly haired, bearded fella.Carries a stack of wood logs on his shoulder, lunch pail]
Mad Joe Dixon: Afternoon, Abigail, Delilah.
Delilah:[seductively]Hello, Mad Joe.
Abigail: Oh, I do believe I hear a baby cryingalthough I have no baby of my own I’m sure there’s ayoungster somewhere who could use somenursing…[leaves Mad Joe and Delilah by themselves]
Delilah:[suggestive]That’s quite a lot of wood you got yourself there Mad Joe.
Mad Joe Dixon:That’s quite a bushel of apples,Delilah. Quite a bushel indeed. What are you fixing to do with them?
Delilah: Well, I suppose I take them home and cut themup and make some of my world famous,[seductively] pie.
Mad Joe Dixon: That sounds mighty fine, Delilah. And if I’m in the area I sure would love to eat a warm piece of your pie. I do like pie. You know what else I like, Delilah?
Delilah: Why, I haven’t the faintiest idea.
Mad Joe Dixon: Sometimes on a hot day, I like to takea cold wash cloth and wrap my balls in it. Then, Iremove that cloth, turn on the room fan and just letthat cold air hit those balls like a prizefighterhitting a couple of speed bags. Bum, dada, dum, badda,bum. Cools down my whole body temperature but specifically, my ball area.
Delilah: Well, when you tell me what it is that youlike that wasn’t exactly what I was expecting.
[Mad Joe drops the wooden logs to the ground]
Mad Joe Dixon: Oh, damn it! I’m stupid! I’m just a big, stupid ox.
Delilah:[grabs Mad Joe by his shoulders]No! Expressingyour feelings is never wrong, Mad Joe! You know what Ilike to do? Well, sometimes….sometimes I like to puton my best Sunday dress, sneak down to the quarrywhere all the men folk are working, see if someoneleft a lunch pail with a thermos on it. And I justtake that thermos and unscrew the top and take a poopin there. Then I close it up and give it a good shake,put it back where I found it.
Mad Joe Dixon: There’s also another thing I remembered I liked.
Delilah: Oh, me too! But you go first.
Mad Joe Dixon: On a cold day I like to put a hot washcloth on my balls. That feels good too.
Delilah: Would you believe I was gonna say the exact same thing?!
Mad Joe Dixon: Delilah, you believe in destiny?!
Delilah: I do, Mad Joe!
Mad Joe Dixon: Then kiss me Delilah! Kiss me hard on the mouth!
Delilah: But wait! Just one thing. Why do they call you Mad Joe?
Mad Joe Dixon: It’s short for Joanne. And I’ve been known to kill people.
Delilah: Oh, good. I was afraid it was because you were crazy.
[Passionate kiss. Romantic music]
Caption: The End
[Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel