SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 10/06/07: Mad Joe Dixon

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 2

07b: Seth Rogen / Spoon

Mad Joe Dixon

Mad Joe Dixon….Seth Rogen
Abigail Marriweather….Kristen Wiig
Delilah….Maya Rudolph

[Opens in a rural area. Late 1800’s. Two young womenin their long dresses, under a tree, buckets of apples]

Abigail:[fanning herself]Oh, sure is a hot afternoonDelilah. It’s as though my skin is made out of paper mache.

Delilah:[fans herself]Oh, but wouldn’t a small sip oflemonade do me some good?

Abigail: Oh, I bet I know who just you’d like tosqueeze those lemons for. Mad Joe Dixon.

Delilah: Oh, Abigail Merriweather! Everyone knows thatMad Joe Dixon is a brute and a man of low character.

Abigail: Oh, Delilah. When Mad Joe Dixon strolled intothis town you sprung up like a spring flower.

Delilah: Oh, Abiga-a-a-ail! Such foolish words from a foolish girl.


Abigail: I hear someone around the bend. I wonder who it could be?!

Delilah: Well, quick! Pretend to count your apples.

Abigail: Oh, apples.

Delilah: Yeah, apples. We’re counting apples, right here….

[Mad Joe Dixon is a curly haired, bearded fella.Carries a stack of wood logs on his shoulder, lunch pail]

Mad Joe Dixon: Afternoon, Abigail, Delilah.

Delilah:[seductively]Hello, Mad Joe.

Abigail: Oh, I do believe I hear a baby cryingalthough I have no baby of my own I’m sure there’s ayoungster somewhere who could use somenursing…[leaves Mad Joe and Delilah by themselves]

Delilah:[suggestive]That’s quite a lot of wood you got yourself there Mad Joe.

Mad Joe Dixon:That’s quite a bushel of apples,Delilah. Quite a bushel indeed. What are you fixing to do with them?

Delilah: Well, I suppose I take them home and cut themup and make some of my world famous,[seductively] pie.

Mad Joe Dixon: That sounds mighty fine, Delilah. And if I’m in the area I sure would love to eat a warm piece of your pie. I do like pie. You know what else I like, Delilah?

Delilah: Why, I haven’t the faintiest idea.

Mad Joe Dixon: Sometimes on a hot day, I like to takea cold wash cloth and wrap my balls in it. Then, Iremove that cloth, turn on the room fan and just letthat cold air hit those balls like a prizefighterhitting a couple of speed bags. Bum, dada, dum, badda,bum. Cools down my whole body temperature but specifically, my ball area.

Delilah: Well, when you tell me what it is that youlike that wasn’t exactly what I was expecting.

[Mad Joe drops the wooden logs to the ground]

Mad Joe Dixon: Oh, damn it! I’m stupid! I’m just a big, stupid ox.

Delilah:[grabs Mad Joe by his shoulders]No! Expressingyour feelings is never wrong, Mad Joe! You know what Ilike to do? Well, sometimes….sometimes I like to puton my best Sunday dress, sneak down to the quarrywhere all the men folk are working, see if someoneleft a lunch pail with a thermos on it. And I justtake that thermos and unscrew the top and take a poopin there. Then I close it up and give it a good shake,put it back where I found it.

Mad Joe Dixon: There’s also another thing I remembered I liked.

Delilah: Oh, me too! But you go first.

Mad Joe Dixon: On a cold day I like to put a hot washcloth on my balls. That feels good too.

Delilah: Would you believe I was gonna say the exact same thing?!

Mad Joe Dixon: Delilah, you believe in destiny?!

[They hug]

Delilah: I do, Mad Joe!

Mad Joe Dixon: Then kiss me Delilah! Kiss me hard on the mouth!

Delilah: But wait! Just one thing. Why do they call you Mad Joe?

Mad Joe Dixon: It’s short for Joanne. And I’ve been known to kill people.

Delilah: Oh, good. I was afraid it was because you were crazy.

[Passionate kiss. Romantic music]

Caption: The End

[Scene fades] [Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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