Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Lou Dobbs…..Darrell Hammond
Willie Randolph…..Kenan Thompson
Omar Minaya…..Fred Armison
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.
Barack Obama’s Campaign announced last Monday that they raised $20 million in the last three months. Even more amazing, he did it all with a kissing booth.
According to a poll, Bill Clinton has emerged as an asset in his wife’s presidential campaign, with 60% of Americans saying they’d be comfortable with him as a first husband. While 21% of women said they’d be extremely comfortable with him as a second husband.
Seth Meyers: President Bush on Wednesday vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have dramatically expanded children’s health insurance. Explained President Bush, “I hate kids.” [Audience applauds]
In a preview of a 2008 election battle over stem cell research and global warming, Hilary Clinton on Thursday accused President George H.W. Bush of waging a war on science. Of course, based on previous wars, this would probably just [Fumbles]of…end up creating a war on more scientists. [Laughs] You got it though.
Amy Poehler: Three-time Olympic gold medalist Marion Jones admitted on Friday that she used steroids before the 2000 Olympic Games in Sydney. So let me see, that makes…everyone. Everyone has used steroids.
Seth Meyers: This month, for the first time in 30 years, the Canadian loonie is worth as much as the American dollar. Here to discuss the impact on American jobs is CNN’s Lou Dobbs.
Lou Dobbs: Seth, it’s a pleasure Seth, but I’m afraid I am pretty…I’m afraid I am pretty angry about what’s going on.
Seth Meyers: What’s going on here.
Lou Dobbs: The job of hosting Saturday Night Live was largely the province of American citizens, like Tom Hanks and Johnny Mosley–but not anymore. After Summers spent taking American money by the fistful at the box office, Seth Rogen, the shaggy-haired marijuana enthusiast and Canadian national…he’s at it again! Taking entertainment jobs from otherwise deserving Americans. Course, I should expect no less from your Canadian boss Lorne Michaels, who’s been dragging his buddies over the border for years now. I mean when he hires hosts for your “little show” to put on, is it that hard to go American, Seth? I mean, just off the top of my head…David Brenner, Hal Holbrook, Jill Eikenberry; a legitimate triple threat. Are we so enamored with foreign products that those names aren’t even part of the discussion anymore?
Seth Meyers: No, not for years.
Lou Dobbs: I mean, George Peppard! Why isn’t he on the shortlist anymore?
Seth Meyers: Because he’s dead.
Lou Dobbs: Don’t oversimplify it, Seth. Alright, I’m gonna run some numbers by you. Knocked Up: $142 million domestic, Superbad: $116 million domestic…that’s $258 million out of American wallets going into Canadian pockets where it’s blown on cases of Labatts. I wanna read this quote to you: “When it comes to our broken borders, one always thinks of the fence-jumpers, the Mexicans swimming the Rio Grande to take our meat-packing Jobs. But the Canadians are far more insidious. They can walk among us and no one’s the wiser. The Native Americans had a name for evil hid in plain sight. They called them skin walkers. Well, I call it Seth Rogen…in short, Rogen is an economic Bin Laden.”
Seth Meyers: Whose quote is that?
Lou Dobbs: Well, that is of course excerpted from a red-faced tirade I gave to no one in particular in the bar of Hotel Pierre earlier this evening.
Seth Meyers: Lou Dobbs everyone. Thank you so much. [Applause] He hates us.
Amy Poehler: Anita Hill? Anita vacation!
One of the hottest concert tours in the country now is Miley Cyrus, the star of Hannah Montana. While the least popular? Yoda Minnesota.
Seth Meyers: This week, Senator Larry Craig who initially said he’d resign after being arrested for soliciting sex in an airport bathroom in Mineappolis is now going to stay in office to the end of his term in 2009. This brings us to a segment we like to call “Seth and Amy; Really?!” [Applause, title card shows]
Really, Senator Craig? You got caught having gay sex in a bathroom and you’re going to resume your job? You realize your job is Senator and not lead singer of Wham!? Really?
Amy Poehler: Really?! And really, you know I’m not creeped out that you tried to have gay sex in an airport bathroom, I’m creeped out that you tried to have sex in an airport bathroom. I don’t even like going to the bathroom in an airport bathroom! I mean really!
Seth Meyers: Really! And you oppose gay marriage. What, you think marriage takes the sizzle out of it? I mean really! Or do you think if same sex marriage is legalized, there’d be fewer single gay guys who’d want to have sex in airport bathrooms? Really.
Amy Poehler: Really. In 1989, you pushed for more severe punishment for Barney Frank for his involvement in a gay prostitution scandal. But at least he paid for it! So you’re a Republican who likes dudes but hates capitalism?
Seth Meyers: Really.
Amy Poehler: Really! Huh.
Seth Meyers: And this part is true–you hired the lawyer to defended Michael Vick to clear your name. You know who I would have hired? The lawyer who prosecuted Michael Vick. That guy’s a good lawyer! I mean really.
Amy Poehler: Really. So, in conclusion, you’re gay but you’re a Republican, you’re gonna vote for anti-gay legislation but you’re gonna solicit sex in an airport bathroom. Wow, you do have a wide stance! Really.
Seth Meyers: Really.
Amy Poehler: Wow.
Seth Meyers: Huh.
Announcer: This has been REALLY!?! with Seth & Amy.
Seth Meyers: The Boy Scouts of America said that a painted plastic badge which was made in China is given after tests revealed high levels of lead paint. Even worse, it was the merit badge for eating merit badges.
Amy Poehler: Major League Baseball’s post season started this week, with the New York Mets conspicuously absent despite a lead throughout the season. The Mets face a long and possibly turbulent offseason. Here to comment, Mets manager and general manager, Willie Randolph and Omar Minaya. So gentlemen, the big question on everyone’s mind is what happened? Omar?
Omar Minaya: Yeah…[Omar says no words, other than shrilly stretching out “I…” and “Uh…”]
Amy Poehler: Okay, uh, Willie, knowing what you know now, is there anything you would have done differently?
Willie Randloph: [Willie says “Yeah”, then precedes to speak incoherently while making gestures with his head and shoulders]
Amy Poehler: Omar, anything Willie should have done differently?
[Omar says nothing; he opens his mouth, turns towards Amy and appears as though he’s trying to find the right word to say]
Amy Poehler: Okay, so neither of you have anything to say? [Omar and Willie look at each other and shake their head] So…no message for the fans? No hope for the future?
[The two speak at the same time in the exact same way they did before, saying syllables while trying to find the right words to say]
Amy Poehler: Alright. Willie Randolph and Omar Minaya everybody.
Seth Meyers: A convent in Italy was shut down after three nuns got into a fight. Said God, “Ladies, relax. There’s enough of me to go around.”
The jury in the Iasiah Thomas sexual harassment found the coach guilty Tuesday, and awarded Anika Brown Sanders $11 million. Brown Sanders would have gotten more money, but she’s not a washed-up shooting guard with bad knees.
Amy Poehler: A new study shows that the virtual colonoscopy technique is just as effective as the invasive method. The hard part is getting a computer in your butt.
Ikea has now started selling pre-fabricated houses in England. And believe me, you have never felt so uneasy about having leftover pegs.
Seth Meyers: While the 2008 election is still more than a year off, the campaign is already well underway. Here now with an in-depth look is our former Senior Political Correspondant, Chevy Chase. [Very loud and lengthy applause]
Chevy Chase: [On phone] You’re my son; I love you. You’re going blind? You are doing it right. I gotta go. [Hangs phone up] Good evening, I still am, you’re still not. [Applause] Thank you Bob.
[Reads newssheet upside down] …Oh. In a startling moment during Wednesday’s democratic debate, former Senator Mike Gravel’s head exploded. Then in a chain reaction spreading from one candidate’s lector to the next, John Edwards’ hair parted itself on the opposite side, Barack Obama’s ears flapped uncontrollably, Hilary Clinton shot up in the polls, and Dennis Kucinich simply…vanished, leaving his little blue suit displayed out over the podium.
On Tuesday, Barack Obama posed a plan to eliminate all the nuclear weapons in the world. Noble idea. He also hosts to save the polar ice caps, whales, make love and not war, and to buy the world a Coke.
Let’s take a closer look at the Republican candidates, shall we? [Examines photo of Republican candidates from left to right] Okay then.
As we trail along, we must remember the key states of South Carolina, New Hampshure, Florida and Tennessee.
Former Senator and actor Fred Thompson said Monday that he’d been certain of Saddam Hussein’s Weapons of Mass Destruction prior to 2003’s lead invasion. He added…[Falls asleep and snores] During which his subordinates filed out for pigs in a blanket.
While campaigning out in New Hampshure, Rudy Guiliani stated that his cores for his votes are evangelical voters, because he appeals on religious issues. While Mormons can relate to him because he’s had a few wives, Catholics can appeal to him because his son hates him. Rudy finds the idea of abortion morally repugnant, but feels that women should have the right to choose to divorce him.
Meanwhile, Mitt Romney, pulling ever-so-close in the polls, admitted that his name is indeed Rubber Mittens, and he does indeed comb his hair with olive oil and a fork.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign announced last Monday that her campaign raised over $27 million in the last quarter, much of it legally.
Clinton now leads Rudy Guiliani 51% to 43%. This is causing the former mayor to appear in a soundbite with a surgical mask, shoulders covered in dust, saying “What happened? Call the cops! Am I on camera? Is this thing on?”
Earlier, I used the term “pigs in a blanket” while referring to Fred Thompson, and I don’t know what came over me. I apologize. [A photo of Fred Thompson in a blanket appears; Chase imitates a pig oinking] And that’s politics. Back to you Fred!
Amy Poehler: A cell phone service installed in New York subways will tell authorities within feet of where the call was made. Of course, by then, me and my dance crew will be gone! Ya heard?
Seth Meyers: A new children’s book has been published about the life of Pope Benedict, as told by his cat Chico. They have the title down to two options: White Hat Man Give Food or Everyone Popes.
Amy Poehler: And, an asteroid between Mars and Jupiter was named in honor of Star Trek’s George Takei, after it was discovered that the asteroid was super gay.
Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Good night!
Submitted by: Joe Murray