Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 3
Amy Poehler’s House
…..Jon Bon Jovi
[ open on exterior, Amy Poehler’s house. Screen reads: “Amy Poehler’s House, Burlington, MA, 1986.” This sketch is performed with a heavy Boston accent. ]
Amy Poehler: “Dear diary. Mark it down: October 13, 1986 is officially the worst day of my life! Everything is wicked bad and it sucks. School’s a nightmare.” [Amy uses hairspray for several seconds] “Today, I got my period on the balance beam, and nobody told me and everybody saw. Now everybody’s calling me Lamey Poehler. And my mom found my beer in the laundry hamper, and now she won’t let me go to Worcester Center to see Bon Jovi with opening act Cinderella! Now my dream of Jon Bon Jovi seeing me in the crowd and taking me away from this miserable life is ruined! I gotta get my hair higher!”[Amy uses two cans of hairspray; she uses so much that she passes out, then sees Jon Bon Jovi, dressed in ’80s leather with his trademark long hair, come to life from her poster; the audience applauds uproariously]
Jon Bon Jovi: Amy…Amy…
Amy Poehler: Oh my god, are you freaking serious?! Jon Bon Jovi just came out of my poster! Oh my god, what are you doing here? You have a show tonight! [Jon hugs Amy]
Jon Bon Jovi: Don’t worry, that can wait. You’re upset!
Amy Poehler: No one understands me! I’m afraid my life is gonna suck, even when I’m wicked old, like 30! Don’t even get me started on boys.
Jon Bon Jovi: Ah, boys can be tricky…
Amy Poehler: Yeah, tell me about it. I made out with Kevin Parker, then he told everybody that I smell like Doritos.
Jon Bon Jovi: Look, I’m here to tell you that everything is going to be okay.
Amy Poehler: That’s easy for you to say…you’re Jon Bon Jovi!
Jon Bon Jovi: Hey, growing up was hard for me too! [Amy kisses his hand] Let me tell you a story about Jon Francis Bon Jovi Jr. He wore orthopedic shoes and played the French horn. He was another fat kid who couldn’t stop eating hogies, so everybody in the neighborhood called him Johnny Meatballs. Everything sucked for him too until he threw down that French horn and picked up his guitar. You gotta follow your heart! You gotta find that dream. You have any big dreams, Amy?
Amy Poehler: Yeah. I got some pretty big dreams. I don’t wanna just shop at the Limited, I wanna work at the Limited! And at night, I wanna have people over for beers at my apartment that I rent.
Jon Bon Jovi: Okay! But what do you really love to do?
Amy Poehler: Well, I kinda like acting. I did a monologue at the 8th grade recital and it got a lot of laughs.
Jon Bon Jovi: That’s good!
Amy Poehler: …it was from The Diary of Anne Frank.
Jon Bon Jovi: Amy, have a seat. Now listen closely because I got something for you. 20 years from now, you’re gonna be a castmember on Saturday Night Live, and I’m gonna be the host! Does that blow your mind or what?
Amy Poehler: Wait, you’re gonna be the host?
Jon Bon Jovi: Yeah!
Amy Poehler: Oh…no…okay…that makes sense.
Jon Bon Jovi: Amy, don’t worry. Your future? It rocks.
Amy Poehler: In the future, is Bon Jovi still around?
Jon Bon Jovi: [Looks at camera and grins] Yes Amy, in the future, Bon Jovi is still around. [Audience applauds]
Amy Poehler: Oh my god!
Jon Bon Jovi: Listen, Amy, I gotta go, I have a gig to go to.
Amy Poehler: Wait! Jon Bon Jovi! In the future, am I ever gonna get boobs!
Jon Bon Jovi: …you just keep working on that personality.
Amy Poehler: Okay, but and then boobs?
Jon Bon Jovi: You’re gonna have a great set of personality.
Amy Poehler: Wait! Before you go back into the poster, when will I see you again?
Jon Bon Jovi: I’ll see you October 13, 2007. I’ll look the same, but my hair’s gonna be cut.
Amy Poehler: Wait! Your hair’s gorgeous! Let me take a picture to tell everybody–[Jon goes back into poster] Oh my god! Dear diary! I have a new dream! One day, I’m gonna look in a camera, and I’m gonna scream: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!
Submitted by: Joe Murray