Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 3
Where’s My Purse?
Computer Voice…..Paula Pell
First Officer Belton…..Will Forte
Captain Wallace…..Kristen Wiig
Crew member 1…..Maya Rudolph
Crew member 2…..Fred Armisen
Blorax…..Jon Bon Jovi
Crew member 3…..Bill Hader
Alien 1…..Kenan Thompson
Alien 2…..Andy Samberg
Computer Voice: Captain’s Deck, stand by.
First Officer Belton: Captain’s Deck standing by.
Computer Voice: First Officer Belton and Captain Wallace, please enter your access codes for coordinates.
First Officer Belton: Ah, Captain Wallace isn’t here right now, I don’t know where she is.
Computer Voice: Can not proceed without Captain’s code. End of transmission.
First Officer Belton: Oh, where is she? [ Captain Wallace comes in ] Captain, where have you been?
Captain Wallace: Um, just, everywhere!
First Officer Belton: Are you OK?
Captain Wallace: No! No I’m not! This is a disaster.
First Officer Belton: Well what’s wrong Captain?
Captain Wallace: I can’t find my purse!
First Officer Belton: Your purse?
Captain Wallace: My purse. I, I had it! And I, I know I had my purse earlier Today cause I paid for my breakfast which I don’t understand why we have to do. And I had it, and I, I don’t think anyone would take it.
First Officer Belton: Oh, I’m sure it will turn up, listen we’re very close to enemy territory we need your access codes to chart a new course
Captain Wallace: Yes, of course
Computer Voice: Please enter access codes. [ they do ]
Captain Wallace: I mean purses don’t just sprout up little purse legs and walk away. That was my favorite purse. I’m upset! Where’s my purse?
First Officer Belton: Maybe you should make an anouncement, you’ll feel better.
Captain Wallace: That’s a good idea! That’s a good idea. [ into intercom ] Attention everyone on the ship.
Captain Wallace: [ over intercom ] It’s your Captain, Captain Wallace here. Oh my god![ crew member 1 & 2 look up concerned – then cut back to Captain’s Deck ]
Captain Wallace: [ into intercom ] Oh I’ve got some terrible news. I, I have lost my purse.[ cut to crew member 1 & 2 looking at each other confused – then cut back to Captain’s Deck ]
Captain Wallace: And I just, I just, I don’t know where it is. I can’t find it. I had it and now I don’t have it. If anyone has seen it or if they saw me with it earlier, I just, I don’t know. It’s black. This is just, I don’t know, OK, just keep your eyes open. I love you guys. OK?
First Officer Belton: OK Captain we need to focus!
Captain Wallace: Yes.
First Officer Belton: Oh, I think someone is hailing us.
Captain Wallace: I really don’t think I can talk to anyone right now.
First Officer Belton: We are on a spaceship, ok? You’ll find it, there are only so many places it can be!
Captain Wallace: You’re right. Put them on the screen. I’m sorry.
Blorax: [ on viewscreen ] Ha ha ha foolish humans!
First Officer Belton: Oh no it’s Blorax!
Blorax: [ on viewscreen ] Ha ha ha ha yes it is me! And I assume you realise you’ve entered my Blorinian Territory. You know the consequences for violating interstellar law don’t you.
First Officer Belton: [ to Blorax ] It was a mistake, we’ve had some problems with are system and a…. [ to captain Wallace ] Captain?!
Captain Wallace: [ to herself ] So last night did I put it over my shoulder before I put my jacket on? I don’t remember.
First Officer Belton: Captain?!
Blorax: [ on viewscreen ] I take your ambivalence as an invitation for us to seize your ship!
First Officer Belton: Captain, do something!
Captain Wallace: [ to Officer Belton ] I’m sorry! [ to Blorax ] I’m sorry ah, we came where we wern’t sposed to go. Blorax, you are not gonna believe this day that I’ve had,. just ask Officer Belton.
First Officer Belton: She lost her purse.
Captain Wallace: it was black, Blorax, it held everything….
Blorax: [ on viewscreen ] SILENCE! We’ve already boarded your ship. Prepare for destruction. Ha ha ha ha ha….
Crew Member 3: [ runs in ] Captain, aliens have boarded the ship and they… [ alien 1 runs up behind crew member 3 and shoots him ] ah, man! [ dies ]
Alien 1: [ runs over and grabs First Officer Belton ] If you do not hand over your ships control to Blorax bbbbrrrrllll your crew will perish.
First Officer Belton: Captain leave me, save the others!
Captain Wallace: Oh my god!
First Officer Belton: It’s ok! Save yourself!
Captain Wallace: Oh my god! I just remembered where my purse is! Oh my god! That’s right I put it right here on the floor when I put my jacket on! It’s right here! Oh my god! I found my purse! Oh my god! Oh my god! It’s right here![ takes out a tiny gun and shoots alien 1 ]
Alien 1: Ow, my face! [ dies ]
First Officer Belton: Oh my god! Captain, you saved me, Ma’am! Quick, we gotta get out of Blorinian Terratory
Captain Wallace: Hold on one second. [ into intercom ] Attention everybody! Oh god, I know things are a little crazy right now, alot of you are fighting and or dieing. I just wanted to let everyone know they can stop looking for my purse. Guess what? I found it![ cut to crew member 1 & 2 being strangled by alien 2 – then cut back to Captain’s Deck ]
Captain Wallace: [ into intercom ] I found my purse! My purse was in here!
First Officer Belton: Captain hurry, we don’t have much time!
Captain Wallace: Oh my god! You are not gonna believe this! I was gonna leave my purse here! The purse I’ve been looking for all day, I was gonna leave without — I’ve gotta tell everybody about this! [ into intercom ] Everybody, you are not gonna believe what just happened. A crazy day just got crazier! My god, this is hilarious![ cut to crew member 1 & 2 dead – then cut back to Captain’s Deck ]
Captain Wallace: [ into intercom ] I almost left my purse again! Can you beleive it? Oh my god, I was getting ready to get in the escape pod and I was gonna leave my purse here! My purse that I was looking for all day! I can’t believe that! It was just sitting right there and I was gonna walk off without it[ fade out ]
Submitted by: Ken Toops