Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 3
La Revista Della Televisione
Vinny Vedecci….Bill Hader
…..Jon Bon Jovi
Show’s Director….Fred Armisen
Announcer: [speaks Italian] …La Rivista dellaTelevisione e con Vinny Vedecci.[Cut to montage of American celebrities Don Johnson,Alf, Brian Austin Green intercut with Vinny in hiswhite suit handsomely posing, throwing his jacket overhis shoulder, in a heated debate and finally posingwith a lit cigarette and winks at the camera] [Vinny sits and smokes at his table in his white suit,ashtray filled with smoked cigarettes]
Vinny Vedecci: He, he, he. E noche, conocendo emusicale, carabantore, americano italiano, bicio ecaranbandes! Jon Bon Jovi, hey![Bon Jovi shakes hands with Vinny, sits]
Jon Bon Jovi: Nice to meet you. Thank you.
Vinny Vedecci:[laughs]Jon Bon Jovi. Pio so contero,caravanto, carando a sara pondo musicale. Proto popasera acopando. Pisienti?[Jon is clearly lost and confused]
Jon Bon Jovi: I’m sorry. Was there going to be atranslator here?
Vinny Vedecci:[Vinny laughs at the question]Notranslator. You are Bon Jovi.
Jon Bon Jovi: Yes, yes but I’m sorry, I don’t speak Italian.
Vinny Vedecci: But you are Bon Jovi.
Jon Bon Jovi: Yes, but I was born in America.
Vinny Vedecci: No italiano?[Vinny is mad as hell.Turns to his director]Bisiano, carabin, decanto![Show’s director has big mustache, glasses and smokesand eats at the same time a plate of spaghetti, hisassistant just eats his spaghetti]
Show’s Director: Vincenzo! [drops fork on his plate]
Vinny Vedecci: Parla consigo “translator”!
Show’s Director:[resumes eating]Eh, Bon Jovi, huh!
Jon Bon Jovi: You wanna keep going?
Vinny Vedecci: Si, si, si.[slowly]Where in theAmericas are you from, Bon Jovi?
Jon Bon Jovi: I’m from a place called New Jersey.
Vinny Vedecci: Ah, New Jersey! Yes, Sopranos, eh! Bam,bodo, bom, bodo, bom, myself a gun, eh! Careanto, careantore, Sylvio?
Jon Bon Jovi: The Stevie Van Zandt character.
Vinny Vedecci: Yes, yes, yes. Sylvio, Sylvio,Sylvio,[perfect impression of Sylvio from TheSopranos]Hey, Tony. I thought we were gonna have ameeting, Ton. I think we should have a meeting, Ton.[Applause for Vinny. Vinny smiles big. Even Jon Bon Jovi is impressed]
Jon Bon Jovi: That’s amazing! I like that.
Vinny Vedecci: You remember Paulie Walnuts?
Jon Bon Jovi: Yes, of course.
Vinny Vedecci:[to his director]Seriato, seriato Paulie Walnuts.
Show’s Director: Que cosa? Paulie Walnuts, PaulieWalnuts….[another perfect impression] You know whatto do in a time like this Ton? You send a message. Yousend a message and you start a meeting.[Applause]
Vinny Vedecci: Next question. Blaze of Glory.
Jon Bon Jovi: Yes, that’s one of my favorite songs.
Vinny Vedecci: Si, si. Very good song. Here it is best known for commercial jingle.
Jon Bon Jovi: A jingle? I didn’t know that.
Vinny Vedecci: Si, si, si. Caraoando, clip, caraandeande.[Cut to a clip of a cigarette commercial. BlazePopulare cigarettes. Song plays and the kids light uptheir ciggies. They talk and share while enjoying theBlaze Cigarettes. Even a nun lights up and pats thekids on their heads. Song continues “Going down in ablaze of glory , take me down the road of truth…” Cut back to the studio]
Vinny Vedecci: Blaze Cigarette Populare![hold the pack up]
Jon Bon Jovi:[outraged]Are those cigarettes for kids?
Vinny Vedecci: No, no, no. 7, 8 years old. Men.
Jon Bon Jovi: I never gave my song to that company.
Vinny Vedecci: But you are spokesman.[On the otherside of the pack there is Bon Jovi’s smiling face with a cowboy hat on]
Jon Bon Jovi:[more outrage]When did this happen?!
Vinny Vedecci: Oh, next question. Dead or Alive.
Jon Bon Jovi: Yeah, the song Dead or Alive. What about it?
Vinny Vedecci: It’s a song about a robot horse.
Jon Bon Jovi: No, you mean that line “on a steel horse I ride”.
Vinny Vedecci: Yeah, steel horse, a robot horse.
Jon Bon Jovi: No, no,no. Steel horse is a reference toa tour bus. The bus bands ride on.
Vinny Vedecci: Not a robot horse?
Jon Bon Jovi: No.
Vinny Vedecci: Oh, bisiando.[Vinny signals to someonebehind Jon to quit it. Its a guy dressed as a roboticmetal horse. Jon looks back at the robot horse as he leaves.
Jon Bon Jovi: You know what? I really gotta go call mylawyer cause I’m pretty upset about that kid’s cigarettes.
Vinny Vedecci: Oh, si, si. Blaze![again holds up thepack] Cigarette con divo Bon Jovi!
Jon Bon Jovi: How did this happen?!
Vinny Vedecci: Si, cigarette! [Humming theintroduction to Bon Jovi’s megahit “Living on aprayer”] Uhah, uhah, uhah, uhah, uhah.
Jon Bon Jovi: You don’t really want me to sing now, do you?
Vinny Vedecci: No, no. I will.[Sings the chorus]Oooohhcoristicon lates….[signals the director]
Show’s Director: Oohh! ooh!
Vinny Vedecci:[sings] Sico decolate! Diseco, doriti colate!
Show’s Director: Ooh! ooh!
Vinny and the Director:[sing together]Diso de colate-e-e-es!![Applause. Vinny laughs very satisfied]
Jon Bon Jovi: I gotta tell you Vin. You know, I meanmy grandmother spoke Italian around the house when Iwas a kid and I don’t recognize a single word you said all night.[Vinny freezes along with the director and his assistant for a few seconds]
Vinny Vedecci: That’s all the time tonight. Thanks tomy guest Jon Bon Jovi. I’m Vinny Vedecci. Good night.[Vinny gets up and dances with robot horse] [Scene fades] [Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel