Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 4
John Edwards…..Will Forte
Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Bill Richardson…..Horatio Sanz
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
Chris Dodd…..Bill Hader
Mike Gravel…..Fred Armisen
[ open on exterior, Clinton House ]
[ SUPER: “Clinton House – Chappaqua, New York” ]
[ SUPER: “Halloween 2007” ]
John Edwards V/O: Hillary, thank you so much for throwing this Halloween party.
[ dissolve to interior, Halloween party. Hillary Clinton, dressed as a bride, stands at the punch table with John Edwards, dressed as a hobo. ]
Hillary Clinton: [ giggles ] John Edwards.. I’m so glad you came. I just thought it would be good for all us Democrats to get together after Tuesday’s debate. [ she laughs with uncontrollable glee ]
John Edwards: I agree.
Hillary Clinton: Yeah, because, even though things can get heated, come next November, we all haev to support the Democratic nominee — no matter who she may be.
John Edwards: And, may I just say, that is a great witch costume.c[ taken aback ] I’m actually a bride.
John Edwards: Oh, okay! Now I see it! All in how you wear it, I guess.
[ Bill Clinton steps in, dressed as Mystery ]
Bill Clinton: John Edwards, you’d better not be using “The Game” on my wife!
John Edwards: Lookin’ good, Bill! Lookin’ good.
Hillary Clinton: I am sorry, John, could I have a word with my husband?
[ John obliges and steps away ]
Hillary Clinton: Bill? I thought we agreed to dress like bride and groom?
Bill Clinton: Aw, man! Everyone knows we’re married!
Hillary Clinton: [ sighs ] Who are you even supposed to be?
Bill Clinton: I’m Mystery, from that show “The Pick-Up Artist.”
Hillary Clinton: [ disgusted ] Bill Clinton, how is that approporiate?
Bill Clinton: Oh, it’s just a party! Have fun, alright? [ looks off to the side ] Hey, look! If it isn’t Bill Richardson!
Hillary Clinton: Oh.. well.
[ Bill Richardson joins the Clintons at the punch bowl ]
Bill Richardson: Hillary. Bill.
Bill Clinton: Who are you supposed to be, Bill?
Bill Richardson: [ deepens his voice ] I’m Al Gore! [ laughs ] I’ve got the Nobel Prize.. this Oscar..
Hillary Clinton: That’s great, Bill!
Bill Richardson: Yeah! [ chuckles ] I know! Me, dressed as Vice-President. [ laughs ] It’s we-eird! Not that weird, though, right? [ laughs ]
Hillary Clinton: You look great.
Bill Richardson: Yeah. So, hey, uh — can I help out at all?
Hillary Clinton: Actually, we could use some ice.
Bill Richardson: I’m on it! [ he runs off ]
Hillary Clinton: Okay.
Bill Clinton: That man really does want to be your Vice-President.
Hillary Clinton: How come every time someone says something nice to me, you say it’s because they want me to be — they want to be my Vice-President? People are nice to you all the time, do they want to be your Vice-President?
Bill Clinton: People like me.
Hillary Clinton: Bill!
Bill Clinton: [ looks offscreen ] Joe Biden and Chris Dodd!
[ Joe Biden and Chris Dodd enter dressed as twin Spongebob Squarepants’ ]
Joe Biden: Hello!
Chris Dodd: Hello. Thanks for having us.
Bill Richardson: Why weren’t you guys at the debate?
Joe Biden: We were — no, we were.
Chris Dodd: Down at the end.
Hillary Clinton: Oh! [ laughs ] Of course, of course! I’m sorry!
Bill Clinton: So, uh — you guys both dressed like Spongebob?
Joe Biden: Yeah, it’s funny. Can’t thinking if there were only one of us, this costume would make a bigger impression.
Chris Dodd: Yeah, we — really cancel each other out.
[ they stare at one another, without a word to be said ]
Joe Biden: Well, thanks for having us. Great Mystery costume, Bill.
Chris Dodd: [ to Hillary ] And you make a very scary witch. [ he walks away ]
Hillary Clinton: Oh, I’m, uh —
Bill Clinton: Uh-oh.
Hillary Clinton: Oh, no.. oh, no.. Mike Gravel’s here. Hi, Mike!
[ Mike Gravel steps up, dressed in a straightjacket ]
Mike Gravel: Uh, hi, Hillary. [ glances down at the crook of his arm ] I brought you some candy!
Hillary Clinton: Ohhh! [ takes the bag of candy ] Oh, thank you. Howe thoughtful — a bag of loose Milk Duds.
Mike Gravel: Yeah. You know — I found it on the bus! I-I guess I got lucky!
Bill Clinton: Great costume, Mike.
Mike Gravel: Oh? Uh.. yeah. It’s a costume. That’s what it is. [ he casually saunters away ]
Hillary Clinton: Oh, oh! These aren’t Milk Duds!
Bill Clinton: [ pointing offscreen ] Hey, who’s that little boy making out with that lady?
Hillary Clinton: [ looking ] That’s Dennis Kucinich and his wife.
[ the camera reveals the diminutive Dennis Kucinich kissing an attractive lady ]
Bill Clinton: That is his wife?
Hillary Clinton: Mmm-hmm.
Bill Clinton: [ holds a thumbs-up to Kucinich ] All right! [ Kucinich returns the thumbs-up ] There’s a marriage he won’t regret in thirty years.
Hillary Clinton: [ aghast ] How do you expect me to react when you say that?!
Bill Clinton: [ looks off=screen ] Hey! Great Obama mask!
Hillary Clinton: Yeah!
[ a man wearing a Barack Obama mask steps up ]
Hillary Clinton: Who is that under there?
[ the man removes his mask to reveal that he really is Barack Obama ]
Barack Obama: Hello, Hillary. Hello, Bill.
Bill Clinton: Nice to see you.
Hillary Clinton: Yes, nice to see you, Barack. So, you’re dressed as yourself?
Barack Obama: Well, you know, Hillary, I have nothing to hide. I enjoy being myself. I’m not going to change just because it’s Halloween.
Hillary Clinton: Well, that’s.. [ frowns ] that’s great..
Barack Obama: [ laughs ] And, may I say, you make a lovely bride.
Bill Clinton: She’s a witch!
Hillary Clinton: Bill!! [ Bill shrugs his shoulders ] Please, excuse my husband, Barack. Now, were you saying something?
Barack Obama: Yes. I just wanted to let the American people know that.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”