SNL Transcripts: Brian Williams: 11/03/07: Halloween Party


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

Halloween Party

John Edwards…..Will Forte
Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Bill Richardson…..Horatio Sanz
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
Chris Dodd…..Bill Hader
Mike Gravel…..Fred Armisen
…..Barack Obama

[ open on exterior, Clinton House ] [ SUPER: “Clinton House – Chappaqua, New York” ] [ SUPER: “Halloween 2007” ]

John Edwards V/O: Hillary, thank you so much for throwing this Halloween party.

[ dissolve to interior, Halloween party. Hillary Clinton, dressed as a bride, stands at the punch table with John Edwards, dressed as a hobo. ]

Hillary Clinton: [ giggles ] John Edwards.. I’m so glad you came. I just thought it would be good for all us Democrats to get together after Tuesday’s debate. [ she laughs with uncontrollable glee ]

John Edwards: I agree.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, because, even though things can get heated, come next November, we all haev to support the Democratic nominee — no matter who she may be.

John Edwards: And, may I just say, that is a great witch costume.c[ taken aback ] I’m actually a bride.

John Edwards: Oh, okay! Now I see it! All in how you wear it, I guess.

[ Bill Clinton steps in, dressed as Mystery ]

Bill Clinton: John Edwards, you’d better not be using “The Game” on my wife!

John Edwards: Lookin’ good, Bill! Lookin’ good.

Hillary Clinton: I am sorry, John, could I have a word with my husband?

[ John obliges and steps away ]

Hillary Clinton: Bill? I thought we agreed to dress like bride and groom?

Bill Clinton: Aw, man! Everyone knows we’re married!

Hillary Clinton: [ sighs ] Who are you even supposed to be?

Bill Clinton: I’m Mystery, from that show “The Pick-Up Artist.”

Hillary Clinton: [ disgusted ] Bill Clinton, how is that approporiate?

Bill Clinton: Oh, it’s just a party! Have fun, alright? [ looks off to the side ] Hey, look! If it isn’t Bill Richardson!

Hillary Clinton: Oh.. well.

[ Bill Richardson joins the Clintons at the punch bowl ]

Bill Richardson: Hillary. Bill.

Bill Clinton: Who are you supposed to be, Bill?

Bill Richardson: [ deepens his voice ] I’m Al Gore! [ laughs ] I’ve got the Nobel Prize.. this Oscar..

Hillary Clinton: That’s great, Bill!

Bill Richardson: Yeah! [ chuckles ] I know! Me, dressed as Vice-President. [ laughs ] It’s we-eird! Not that weird, though, right? [ laughs ]

Hillary Clinton: You look great.

Bill Richardson: Yeah. So, hey, uh — can I help out at all?

Hillary Clinton: Actually, we could use some ice.

Bill Richardson: I’m on it! [ he runs off ]

Hillary Clinton: Okay.

Bill Clinton: That man really does want to be your Vice-President.

Hillary Clinton: How come every time someone says something nice to me, you say it’s because they want me to be — they want to be my Vice-President? People are nice to you all the time, do they want to be your Vice-President?

Bill Clinton: People like me.

Hillary Clinton: Bill!

Bill Clinton: [ looks offscreen ] Joe Biden and Chris Dodd!

[ Joe Biden and Chris Dodd enter dressed as twin Spongebob Squarepants’ ]

Joe Biden: Hello!

Chris Dodd: Hello. Thanks for having us.

Bill Richardson: Why weren’t you guys at the debate?

Joe Biden: We were — no, we were.

Chris Dodd: Down at the end.

Hillary Clinton: Oh! [ laughs ] Of course, of course! I’m sorry!

Bill Clinton: So, uh — you guys both dressed like Spongebob?

Joe Biden: Yeah, it’s funny. Can’t thinking if there were only one of us, this costume would make a bigger impression.

Chris Dodd: Yeah, we — really cancel each other out.

[ they stare at one another, without a word to be said ]

Joe Biden: Well, thanks for having us. Great Mystery costume, Bill.

Chris Dodd: [ to Hillary ] And you make a very scary witch. [ he walks away ]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, I’m, uh —

Bill Clinton: Uh-oh.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, no.. oh, no.. Mike Gravel’s here. Hi, Mike!

[ Mike Gravel steps up, dressed in a straightjacket ]

Mike Gravel: Uh, hi, Hillary. [ glances down at the crook of his arm ] I brought you some candy!

Hillary Clinton: Ohhh! [ takes the bag of candy ] Oh, thank you. Howe thoughtful — a bag of loose Milk Duds.

Mike Gravel: Yeah. You know — I found it on the bus! I-I guess I got lucky!

Bill Clinton: Great costume, Mike.

Mike Gravel: Oh? Uh.. yeah. It’s a costume. That’s what it is. [ he casually saunters away ]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, oh! These aren’t Milk Duds!

Bill Clinton: [ pointing offscreen ] Hey, who’s that little boy making out with that lady?

Hillary Clinton: [ looking ] That’s Dennis Kucinich and his wife.

[ the camera reveals the diminutive Dennis Kucinich kissing an attractive lady ]

Bill Clinton: That is his wife?

Hillary Clinton: Mmm-hmm.

Bill Clinton: [ holds a thumbs-up to Kucinich ] All right! [ Kucinich returns the thumbs-up ] There’s a marriage he won’t regret in thirty years.

Hillary Clinton: [ aghast ] How do you expect me to react when you say that?!

Bill Clinton: [ looks off=screen ] Hey! Great Obama mask!

Hillary Clinton: Yeah!

[ a man wearing a Barack Obama mask steps up ]

Hillary Clinton: Who is that under there?

[ the man removes his mask to reveal that he really is Barack Obama ]

Barack Obama: Hello, Hillary. Hello, Bill.

Bill Clinton: Nice to see you.

Hillary Clinton: Yes, nice to see you, Barack. So, you’re dressed as yourself?

Barack Obama: Well, you know, Hillary, I have nothing to hide. I enjoy being myself. I’m not going to change just because it’s Halloween.

Hillary Clinton: Well, that’s.. [ frowns ] that’s great..

Barack Obama: [ laughs ] And, may I say, you make a lovely bride.

Bill Clinton: She’s a witch!

Hillary Clinton: Bill!! [ Bill shrugs his shoulders ] Please, excuse my husband, Barack. Now, were you saying something?

Barack Obama: Yes. I just wanted to let the American people know that.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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