Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 4
Written by: Bryan Tucker & Fred Armisen
Man: I’m having a Date Night with my wife. We’re at our favorite restaurant, when I feel my iPhone vibrating. I know exactly who it is.[ jump cut ]
I excuse myself and I go to the bathroom. It’s a text from this woman I’ve been seeing on the side.[ jump cut ]
She’s beyond hot. She’s — [ searches for the appropriate word ] crazy, and I like a little crazy. She’s French-Canadian.
But with the Address Book feature on my iPhone, I can put her under a different name. I call her Boyd Tinsley — he’s the violin player for The Dave Matthews Band? [ shrugs his shoulders ] This way, my wife will never know.[ jump cut ]
She sends me a picture of her butt. Look at that — I can zoom in. [ he presses the screen and zooms in on the butt photo ] Oo-oo-oohh! Zoom out.. pinch it.. beautiful![ jump cut ]
With one swipe of my finger, I can delete the entire conversation before I get back to the table. It’s like she was never there.
She was in Circe de Soleil. What she can do with her body — ohh! God, I wish my wife wasn’t pregnant![ reveal Man standing in front of black Apple iPhone display on a street corner, as his pregnant wife walks up and calls out to him. He slips his iPhone into his pants pocket and runs to join his wife. ]
Announcer: iPhone makes life easy.[ fade ]