SNL Transcripts: Brian Williams: 11/03/07: iPhone


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist


Written by: Bryan Tucker & Fred Armisen

Man…..Fred Armisen
Wife…..Maya Rudolph

Man: I’m having a Date Night with my wife. We’re at our favorite restaurant, when I feel my iPhone vibrating. I know exactly who it is.

[ jump cut ]

I excuse myself and I go to the bathroom. It’s a text from this woman I’ve been seeing on the side.

[ jump cut ]

She’s beyond hot. She’s — [ searches for the appropriate word ] crazy, and I like a little crazy. She’s French-Canadian.

[ close-up of his iPhone, as he presses buttons on the screen ]

But with the Address Book feature on my iPhone, I can put her under a different name. I call her “Boyd Tinsley” — he’s the violin player for The Dave Matthews Band? [ shrugs his shoulders ] This way, my wife will never know.

[ jump cut ]

She sends me a picture of her butt. Look at that — I can zoom in. [ he presses the screen and zooms in on the butt photo ] Oo-oo-oohh! Zoom out.. pinch it.. beautiful!

[ jump cut ]

With one swipe of my finger, I can delete the entire conversation before I get back to the table. It’s like she was never there.

[ jump cut ]

She was in Circe de Soleil. What she can do with her body — ohh! God, I wish my wife wasn’t pregnant!

[ reveal Man standing in front of black Apple iPhone display on a street corner, as his pregnant wife walks up and calls out to him. He slips his iPhone into his pants pocket and runs to join his wife. ]

Announcer: iPhone makes life easy.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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