Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 4
iPhone
Written by: Bryan Tucker & Fred Armisen
Man…..Fred Armisen
Wife…..Maya Rudolph
Man: I’m having a Date Night with my wife. We’re at our favorite restaurant, when I feel my iPhone vibrating. I know exactly who it is.
[ jump cut ]I excuse myself and I go to the bathroom. It’s a text from this woman I’ve been seeing on the side.
[ jump cut ]She’s beyond hot. She’s — [ searches for the appropriate word ] crazy, and I like a little crazy. She’s French-Canadian.
But with the Address Book feature on my iPhone, I can put her under a different name. I call her Boyd Tinsley — he’s the violin player for The Dave Matthews Band? [ shrugs his shoulders ] This way, my wife will never know.
[ jump cut ]She sends me a picture of her butt. Look at that — I can zoom in. [ he presses the screen and zooms in on the butt photo ] Oo-oo-oohh! Zoom out.. pinch it.. beautiful!
[ jump cut ]With one swipe of my finger, I can delete the entire conversation before I get back to the table. It’s like she was never there.
[ jump cut ]She was in Circe de Soleil. What she can do with her body — ohh! God, I wish my wife wasn’t pregnant!
[ reveal Man standing in front of black Apple iPhone display on a street corner, as his pregnant wife walks up and calls out to him. He slips his iPhone into his pants pocket and runs to join his wife. ]Announcer: iPhone makes life easy.
[ fade ]