Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 4
Written by: Bryan Tucker & Jason Sudeikis
Man: I own a small stationary store, down in Tribeca.[ jump cut ]
I’ve been my own boss for about… [ thinking ] four years now.[ jump cut ]
I also love to punch cops.
I guess I got a little bit of a problem with authority. [ he chuckles ] [ jump cut ]
The way it usually goes is: I’ll see a cop… punch him… uh… then I run like hell![ jump cut ]
You know, finding an escape route after a random act of violence can be tricky.[ jump cut ]
But with the iPhone, it’s super easy. All I have to do is: duck in a bar… hide in a stall in the ladies’ room — usually, because they never check there —[ close-up of his iPhone, as he presses buttons on the screen to reveal an aerial satellite map ]
Then I just bring up Google Maps — you know, I can look up streets, I can check out traffic —[ jump cut ]
I can even watch my “pig-punch” videos on Youtube… which is awesome.[ close-up of his iPhone, as he presses buttons on the screen to reveal various music tools such as album covers ]
With the iPod feature, I’ve got plenty of tunes to choose from, while I’m coming down from my meth high.
Guess I just want to say… Thanks, iPhone![ reveal Man standing in front of black Apple iPhone display on a street corner ]
Man V/O: It’s the only thing that keeps me sane these days.[ he runs a circle around the display, as a pair of cops give chase ]
Man V/O: Well, that and meth.[ fade ]