SNL Transcripts: Brian Williams: 11/03/07: iPhone II

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

iPhone II

Written by: Bryan Tucker & Jason Sudeikis

Man…..Jason Sudeikis

Man: I own a small stationary store, down in Tribeca.

[ jump cut ]

I’ve been my own boss for about… [ thinking ] four years now.

[ jump cut ]

I also love to punch cops.

[ jump cut ]

I guess I got a little bit of a problem with authority. [ he chuckles ] [ jump cut ]

The way it usually goes is: I’ll see a cop… punch him… uh… then I run like hell!

[ jump cut ]

You know, finding an escape route after a random act of violence can be tricky.

[ jump cut ]

But with the iPhone, it’s super easy. All I have to do is: duck in a bar… hide in a stall in the ladies’ room — usually, because they never check there —

[ close-up of his iPhone, as he presses buttons on the screen to reveal an aerial satellite map ]

Then I just bring up Google Maps — you know, I can look up streets, I can check out traffic —

[ jump cut ]

I can even watch my “pig-punch” videos on Youtube… which is awesome.

[ close-up of his iPhone, as he presses buttons on the screen to reveal various music tools such as album covers ]

With the iPod feature, I’ve got plenty of tunes to choose from, while I’m coming down from my meth high.

[ jump cut ]

Guess I just want to say… Thanks, iPhone!

[ reveal Man standing in front of black Apple iPhone display on a street corner ]

Man V/O: It’s the only thing that keeps me sane these days.

[ he runs a circle around the display, as a pair of cops give chase ]

Man V/O: Well, that and meth.

[ fade ]

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