SNL Transcripts: Brian Williams: 11/03/07: iPhone II


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

iPhone II

Written by: Bryan Tucker & Jason Sudeikis

Man…..Jason Sudeikis

Man: I own a small stationary store, down in Tribeca.

[ jump cut ]

I’ve been my own boss for about… [ thinking ] four years now.

[ jump cut ]

I also love to punch cops.

[ jump cut ]

I guess I got a little bit of a problem with authority. [ he chuckles ] [ jump cut ]

The way it usually goes is: I’ll see a cop… punch him… uh… then I run like hell!

[ jump cut ]

You know, finding an escape route after a random act of violence can be tricky.

[ jump cut ]

But with the iPhone, it’s super easy. All I have to do is: duck in a bar… hide in a stall in the ladies’ room — usually, because they never check there —

[ close-up of his iPhone, as he presses buttons on the screen to reveal an aerial satellite map ]

Then I just bring up Google Maps — you know, I can look up streets, I can check out traffic —

[ jump cut ]

I can even watch my “pig-punch” videos on Youtube… which is awesome.

[ close-up of his iPhone, as he presses buttons on the screen to reveal various music tools such as album covers ]

With the iPod feature, I’ve got plenty of tunes to choose from, while I’m coming down from my meth high.

[ jump cut ]

Guess I just want to say… Thanks, iPhone!

[ reveal Man standing in front of black Apple iPhone display on a street corner ]

Man V/O: It’s the only thing that keeps me sane these days.

[ he runs a circle around the display, as a pair of cops give chase ]

Man V/O: Well, that and meth.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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