Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 4
Riley’s Way
Director…..Jason Sudeikis
Marker…..Bill Hader
Male Student 1…..Andy Samberg
Female Student…..Amy Poehler
Male Student 2…..Kenan Thompson
Principal…..Brian Williams
[ open on exterior, Stage 15 ]
[ dissolve to playground set, where an actress and two actors playing high school students dressed in graduation garb sit on the swings ]
[ the Director steps onto the set ]
Director: Okay, everyone, uh — well, this is the last shot of our very last episode of “Riley’s Way”. And, uh — I — I — I just want to say, it’s been a pleasure working with each and every one of you on what, for my money, is the BEST high school drama in the history of the CW. [ the three actors are touched ] Alright? That’s from here. [ he thumps his chest ] Alright, so here we go. [ he runs off the set ]
Marker: “Riley’s Way”, Scene 42, take One.
Director’s Voice: Annnnnd… ACTION!!
[ “Umbrella” by Rihanna pots up ]
Male Student 1: Graduation. It’s a funny word. I never thought I’d be saying it.
Male Student 2: I still can’t believe it’s the end.
Female Student: It’s not, Spence. It’s the beginning.
[ the actor who plays the Principal saunters onto the set and leans against the swingset with a come-to hither ]
Female Student: Principal Jeffries? Any advice for the future?
Principal: Yes. Live. [ the students laugh as he wraps his arms around them ] Class dismissed, guys.
[ the Director reappears ]
Director: Alright, let’s cut! Cut, cut, cut, cut! That was great, guys. There was, uh, a small technical problem, so we’re gonna have to do that again.
Male Student 2: Aw, man, that was a good take!
Director: I’m sorry.
Male Student 1: Yeah, yeah — that’s WHACK!
Principal: Yeah, that was WHACK! But you know what’s NOT gonna be whack? RAP PARTY! [ he chuckles ] I just hope for myself, I don’t get all emotional. I remember the rap party when we did “Quantum Leap”. I, uh — I cried like a baby. I told you guys I did “Leap”, right?
Female Student: Yeah, I think you mentioned that before.
Principal: But, uh — I’m gonna miss working with you guys, but we are gonna have more time to hang. We can go up to Lake Havestun[?] next week — bumper boats, anybody?
Male Student 2: [ grits his teeth ] Uh, I don’t think we can. I mean, we start shooting the spin-off next week.
Principal: Awesome! No way! Spin-off! That’s — that’s GOOD whack! Uh, I wonder, though, why my agent, uh, didn’t tell me? I didn’t get a call.
Female Student: Oh, uh… it’s — it’s called “Riley’s Way: The College Years”.
Principal: What’s… my role gonna be? Does he — I don’t know — move in with the kids in school, or open up a… pizza parlor in town?
Male Student 1: Yeah, I don’t think you’re in it!
Principal: [ stunned ] What?
Male Student 1: You’re NOT in the spin-off.
Principal: [ stunned ] Okay! Well, then… [ he slinks off the set ]
[ the Director reappears ]
Director: Okay, we’re all ready on the set? Let’s do it! [ he steps off again ]
Marker: Scene 42, take Two.
Director’s Voice: Annnnnd… ACTION!!
[ “Umbrella” by Rihanna pots up ]
Male Student 1: [ sighs ] I still can’t believe it’s the end.
Female Student: It’s not, Spence. It’s the beginning. [ looks over her shoulder ] Principal Jeffries?
Principal: [ fuming ] What do you want?
[ the students are stunned by this sudden outburst ]
Female Student: Uhhh — any advice for the future?
Principal: Yeah, you know what? [ to the students, one at a time ] You can go to Hell — you can lose ten pounds — and you’re gay!
Male Student 1: What?!
Director: Cut! Cut! Uh — Barry! Barry, come here, man — let’s have a little chat here. [ the actor steps forward ] Uh — so, Barry — Barry, what’s with you?
Principal: What’s with you, Paul? I just heard about the little spin-off project.
Director: Okay. Now — now, I’m sorry you had to fidn out about it this way, Barry, but, you know, it’s just how the business works! [ he smiles ]
Principal: Let’s not talk to me about the business, Paul. I was in “Quantum Leap”. Scott Bakula?
Director: I know.
Principal: Yeah!
Director: I know. Look, Barry —
Principal: After ALL I have done for this show… I — I am on this set every day, whether I have a scene or not… I’m running my lines, I’m running their lines — writing lines —
Director: Yeah, Barry, we specifically asked you not to do any of those things.
Principal: Well, I’m specifically asking you — right now — not to be such a BONE! Put me in the spin-off, please.
Director: Okay, now why — why would the high school principal go to college with them? Okay, look, look, look, look — you’re a GREAT actor. Okay? You’re gonna be fine. You did “Leap”. Yuo did “Leap”! I mean — [ he chuckles ] Now. can we please just get this last shot?
Principal: Alright.
Director: Good! Thank you. [ the Principal exits off the set ] Alright, let’s go! Places! [ he steps aside ]
Marker: Scene 42, take Three.
Director’s Voice: Annnnnd… ACTION!!
Male Student 1: [ sighs ] Man! I still cannot believe it’s the end.
Principal: [ stepping forward ] And I can’t believe I didn’t get my college degree! [ he laughs, revealing a cap turned sideways across his head ] Back to school soon for old Principal Jeffries! I’ll check you fools on the quad! [ stesp aside ] Okay! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!
Director: Barry, Barry, come in here, please!
Principal: I think we NAILED that one!
Director: No, hey, Barry! Come in here, now! Let’s go! [ the Principal steps forward ] Okay, now, Barry — take off the hat, man! [ the Principal removes his cap ] Okay, now, look — we’re all sorry you’re not in the spin-off. But that’s just how it works!
Principal: Fine! I mean, I — I — I get it. Principal Jeffries was… never the most popular character. Maybe he was just a man.
[ “Umbrella” by Rihanna pots up all of a sudden ]
Director: Hey, Keith, can we kill the music? [ the music turns off ] I’m sorry, Barry, keep going, I couldn’t hear you.
Principal: Well, let me tell you about another man. His name was me. And he was — he was on “Quantum Leap”. Twice, in the same episode. I wish all of you here good luck, and may… your next leap be the leap home. Class dismissed.
[ the director and actors applaud ]
Director: Hey, can we get a writer in here? I, uh — I think Principal Jeffries deserves a new ending.
[ dissolve to exterior, Stage 15 ]
[ “Umbrella” by Rihanna pots up ]
[ dissolve to playground set ]
Male Student 1: Graduation. It’s a funny word. I never thought I’d be saying it.
Male Student 2: [ sighs ] I still can’t believe it’s the end.
Female Student: It’s not, Spence. It’s the beginning. [ she looks up, as the Marker enters the scene ] Hey! It’s that guy that killed Principal Jeffries!
Marker: [ smiling ] Class dismissed!
All: [ as they hug ] Yaaayyyy!!
[ fade ]
