SNL Transcripts: Brian Williams: 11/03/07: Riley’s Way


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

Riley’s Way

Director…..Jason Sudeikis
Marker…..Bill Hader
Male Student 1…..Andy Samberg
Female Student…..Amy Poehler
Male Student 2…..Kenan Thompson
Principal…..Brian Williams

[ open on exterior, Stage 15 ] [ dissolve to playground set, where an actress and two actors playing high school students dressed in graduation garb sit on the swings ] [ the Director steps onto the set ]

Director: Okay, everyone, uh — well, this is the last shot of our very last episode of “Riley’s Way”. And, uh — I — I — I just want to say, it’s been a pleasure working with each and every one of you on what, for my money, is the BEST high school drama in the history of the CW. [ the three actors are touched ] Alright? That’s from here. [ he thumps his chest ] Alright, so here we go. [ he runs off the set ]

Marker: “Riley’s Way”, Scene 42, take One.

Director’s Voice: Annnnnd… ACTION!!

[ “Umbrella” by Rihanna pots up ]

Male Student 1: Graduation. It’s a funny word. I never thought I’d be saying it.

Male Student 2: I still can’t believe it’s the end.

Female Student: It’s not, Spence. It’s the beginning.

[ the actor who plays the Principal saunters onto the set and leans against the swingset with a come-to hither ]

Female Student: Principal Jeffries? Any advice for the future?

Principal: Yes. Live. [ the students laugh as he wraps his arms around them ] Class dismissed, guys.

[ the Director reappears ]

Director: Alright, let’s cut! Cut, cut, cut, cut! That was great, guys. There was, uh, a small technical problem, so we’re gonna have to do that again.

Male Student 2: Aw, man, that was a good take!

Director: I’m sorry.

Male Student 1: Yeah, yeah — that’s WHACK!

Principal: Yeah, that was WHACK! But you know what’s NOT gonna be whack? RAP PARTY! [ he chuckles ] I just hope for myself, I don’t get all emotional. I remember the rap party when we did “Quantum Leap”. I, uh — I cried like a baby. I told you guys I did “Leap”, right?

Female Student: Yeah, I think you mentioned that before.

Principal: But, uh — I’m gonna miss working with you guys, but we are gonna have more time to hang. We can go up to Lake Havestun[?] next week — bumper boats, anybody?

Male Student 2: [ grits his teeth ] Uh, I don’t think we can. I mean, we start shooting the spin-off next week.

Principal: Awesome! No way! Spin-off! That’s — that’s GOOD whack! Uh, I wonder, though, why my agent, uh, didn’t tell me? I didn’t get a call.

Female Student: Oh, uh… it’s — it’s called “Riley’s Way: The College Years”.

Principal: What’s… my role gonna be? Does he — I don’t know — move in with the kids in school, or open up a… pizza parlor in town?

Male Student 1: Yeah, I don’t think you’re in it!

Principal: [ stunned ] What?

Male Student 1: You’re NOT in the spin-off.

Principal: [ stunned ] Okay! Well, then… [ he slinks off the set ] [ the Director reappears ]

Director: Okay, we’re all ready on the set? Let’s do it! [ he steps off again ]

Marker: Scene 42, take Two.

Director’s Voice: Annnnnd… ACTION!!

[ “Umbrella” by Rihanna pots up ]

Male Student 1: [ sighs ] I still can’t believe it’s the end.

Female Student: It’s not, Spence. It’s the beginning. [ looks over her shoulder ] Principal Jeffries?

Principal: [ fuming ] What do you want?

[ the students are stunned by this sudden outburst ]

Female Student: Uhhh — any advice for the future?

Principal: Yeah, you know what? [ to the students, one at a time ] You can go to Hell — you can lose ten pounds — and you’re gay!

Male Student 1: What?!

Director: Cut! Cut! Uh — Barry! Barry, come here, man — let’s have a little chat here. [ the actor steps forward ] Uh — so, Barry — Barry, what’s with you?

Principal: What’s with you, Paul? I just heard about the little spin-off project.

Director: Okay. Now — now, I’m sorry you had to fidn out about it this way, Barry, but, you know, it’s just how the business works! [ he smiles ]

Principal: Let’s not talk to me about the business, Paul. I was in “Quantum Leap”. Scott Bakula?

Director: I know.

Principal: Yeah!

Director: I know. Look, Barry —

Principal: After ALL I have done for this show… I — I am on this set every day, whether I have a scene or not… I’m running my lines, I’m running their lines — writing lines —

Director: Yeah, Barry, we specifically asked you not to do any of those things.

Principal: Well, I’m specifically asking you — right now — not to be such a BONE! Put me in the spin-off, please.

Director: Okay, now why — why would the high school principal go to college with them? Okay, look, look, look, look — you’re a GREAT actor. Okay? You’re gonna be fine. You did “Leap”. Yuo did “Leap”! I mean — [ he chuckles ] Now. can we please just get this last shot?

Principal: Alright.

Director: Good! Thank you. [ the Principal exits off the set ] Alright, let’s go! Places! [ he steps aside ]

Marker: Scene 42, take Three.

Director’s Voice: Annnnnd… ACTION!!

Male Student 1: [ sighs ] Man! I still cannot believe it’s the end.

Principal: [ stepping forward ] And I can’t believe I didn’t get my college degree! [ he laughs, revealing a cap turned sideways across his head ] Back to school soon for old Principal Jeffries! I’ll check you fools on the quad! [ stesp aside ] Okay! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!

Director: Barry, Barry, come in here, please!

Principal: I think we NAILED that one!

Director: No, hey, Barry! Come in here, now! Let’s go! [ the Principal steps forward ] Okay, now, Barry — take off the hat, man! [ the Principal removes his cap ] Okay, now, look — we’re all sorry you’re not in the spin-off. But that’s just how it works!

Principal: Fine! I mean, I — I — I get it. Principal Jeffries was… never the most popular character. Maybe he was just a man.

[ “Umbrella” by Rihanna pots up all of a sudden ]

Director: Hey, Keith, can we kill the music? [ the music turns off ] I’m sorry, Barry, keep going, I couldn’t hear you.

Principal: Well, let me tell you about another man. His name was me. And he was — he was on “Quantum Leap”. Twice, in the same episode. I wish all of you here good luck, and may… your next leap be the leap home. Class dismissed.

[ the director and actors applaud ]

Director: Hey, can we get a writer in here? I, uh — I think Principal Jeffries deserves a new ending.

[ dissolve to exterior, Stage 15 ] [ “Umbrella” by Rihanna pots up ] [ dissolve to playground set ]

Male Student 1: Graduation. It’s a funny word. I never thought I’d be saying it.

Male Student 2: [ sighs ] I still can’t believe it’s the end.

Female Student: It’s not, Spence. It’s the beginning. [ she looks up, as the Marker enters the scene ] Hey! It’s that guy that killed Principal Jeffries!

Marker: [ smiling ] Class dismissed!

All: [ as they hug ] Yaaayyyy!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x