Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 4
An SNL Digital Short
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]
Director’s Voice: In 3.. 2..
[ dissolve to Brian Williams standing in the NBC News studio ]
Brian Williams: Hi, I’m Brian Williams of “NBC Nightly News.” A lot of people ask me, quite often, what it’s like to be a network evening news anchor. So I agreed to let a camera crew follow me through an average day here at work. Take a look.
[ dissolve to exterior, NBC Studios of 30 Rockefeller Center ]
Brian Williams V/O: The first thing I like to do each morning when I get to NBC’s 30 Rockefeller Plaza Headquarters.. is stand outside the building, and wait for somebody to recognize me.
Passerby: Hey! Stone Phillips!
Brian Williams: [ satisfied ] Hey, hey, hey!
Brian Williams V/O: Close enough.
[ cut to Brian Williams entering NBC’s fitness center ]
Brian Williams V/O: Then.. it’s straight to the fitness center, for my daily fitness regime.
[ reveal Brian Williams reading a newspaper while standing on treadmill in roller skates ]
Brian Williams V/O: Oh, boy.. I’m gonna feel that workout tomorrow.
[ cut to footage of NBC employees eating in the cafeteria ]
Brian Williams V/O: I always try to take my meals in the NBC cafeteria. I feel it connects me with my fellow workers — the common man.
[ reveal Brian Williams sitting at table by himself. The table is roped off and guarded by a personal bodyguard ]
[ cut to Brian Williams making a phone call in his office ]
Brian Williams V/O: Afterwards, it’s time to head in to the office. The first thing I do is pick a phone and call a special someone, who means the world to me.
Brian Williams: [ into phone ] Hey, you! I know you had a tough day, but.. you got through it, because you’re the best there is. You’re a winner.. and I love you. [ he hangs up ]
[ cut to various images of Brian Williams hard at work, then cut to him opening the window in his office ]
Brian Williams V/O: So much of what we do in the news business is serious. Sometimes I find it’s healthy to take a break and have a little fun.
Brian Williams: [ grabs a fistful of pennies and looks down below ] Ah, the morning duo!
[ down below, Al Roker and Matt Lauer are delivering a piece on “The Today Show”, when they are suddenly pelted by the hailing pennies ]
Al Roker: What is that?!
Matt Lauer: [ looking up ] What kind of asshole throws pennies from a window?
[ back upstairs, Brian Williams smiles as he ducks back inot his office and shuts the window ]
[ cut to Brian Williams watching video in the dark ]
Brian Williams V/O: As a part of my daily ritual, I like to find time to watch footage of my favorite news anchor of all time.
[ reveal that Brian Williams is watching footage of himself ]
Brian Williams: [ watching, he smiles] The Master at work!
[ dissolve to Brian Williams in a meditation position on the floor of his office ]
Brian Williams V/O: I also like to calm my nerves, by practicing the ancient art of meditation.
[ the image of Bono appears above Brian Williams’ shoulder ]
Bono: Oh, yeah.. lookin’ good, Brian! You’re WAY cooler than me. I’d do ANYTHING to be you.
[ Brian Williams glances up at Bono’s image and smiles ]
Brian Williams: Thanks, Bono!
[ dissolve to footage of Brian Williams entering the NBC News studio ]
Brian Williams V/O: Then it’s time for the big show.. and I make my way into the studio, take my seat, and share the news with America.
Brian Williams: [ live ] Good evening. The Stock Market suffered a big fall today —
Brian Williams V/O: And that’s my day — a job well done. When it’s all over, I pack up my stuff, check my voice mail one last time, and head on home.
[ in the hallway, Brian Williams holds his cell phone up to his ear ]
Voice Mail Recording: First new voice message:
Brian Williams: [ pre-recorded voice message ] Hey, you! I know you had a tough day, but.. you got through it, because you’re the best there is. You’re a winner.. and I love you.
Brian Williams: [ smiles ] I love you, too.
[ Brian Williams hangs up his cell phone and heads home ]
[ fade ]