Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 5
07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood
CNN Univision Democratic Debate
Written by: Jim Downey
Campbell Brown…..Kristen Wiig
Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
John King…..Jason Sudeikis
Jorge Ramos…..Will Forte
[ open on CNN graphics ]
Voiceover: This… is CNN.
[ dissolve to debate graphics ]
Announcer: The CNN-Univision Democratic Debate: America Votes 2008.
[ dissolve to Campbell Brown standing before the two Democratic candidates ]
Campbell Brown: Good evening, and welcome to the Lyndon B. Johnson Auditorium in Austin, Texas, for this historic debate between the two remaining candidates seeking the Democratic nomination for President. Illinois senator Barack Obama, and New York senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. I’m Campbell Brown, and I will be the moderator tonight. With questions coming from my colleagues: CNN Chief National Correspondent, John King… and Univision anchor, Jorge Ramos.
Like nearly everyone in the news media, the three of us are totally “in the tank” for Senator Obama. We will make every effort tonight to keep these bias hidden, but, should it become obvious, please remember we’re only human. I, myself, have been clinically diagnosed as an Oba-maniac! While my associate, John King, just last week suffered his third Barack-Attack. [ King nods ] As for Jorge Ramos, he is clearly… just obsessed with Senator Obama, kind of… to an unhealthy degree, really… and, uh — well, I guess you could just call him a stalker! [ Ramos nods ]
Now, let’s meet the candidates. Just four years ago, Barack Obama was known only as a brilliant, charasmatic, and universally admired member of the Illinois State Senate. Today, he is one of our nation’s truly visionary leaders, and, soon — knock on wood — the first Black President of the United States. Senator Barack Obama.
[ the audience applauds, as does Campbell Brown and Jorge Ramos; John King whistles through his two pinky fingers ]
Campbell Brown: In 1992, Hillary Clinton’s husband, William Jefferson Clinton, became the 42nd President of the United States. A few years after that, he cheated on her again, and she was able to ride the ensuing wave of sympathy into the U.S. Senate, against a weak Republican opponent in an overwhelmingly Democratic state. In the Senate, she is widely known as a good listener, with an excellent attendance record.
And our first question is for Senator Obama, from Jorge Ramos.
[ cut to Jorge Ramos, with Question Tag: “Is There Anything We Can Get Sen. Obama?” ]
Jorge Ramos: Uh — Senator Obama… are you comfortable? Is there anything we can get for you?
Barack Obama: No. Thank you. I’m fine.
Campbell Brown: John King, a follow-up?
[ Question Tag now reads: “Is Sen. Obama Sure There Isn’t Anything We Can Get Him? Because It’s Really No Trouble.” ]
John King: Senator Obama, uh — a minute ago, Jorge Ramos asked if there was anything we could get you, and you said, “No, thank you. I’m fine.” My question is: Are you sure? Because it’s, you know, it’s really no trouble.
Barack Obama: [ motioning his hand ] I… am quite sure. Thank you, though.
Campbell Brown: And our next question is for Senator Clinton. Again, from John King.
John King: Senator Clinton, less than two months ago you were the heavy favorite to be the Democratic nominee. Since that time, you have lost 31 of 38 primaries and caucuses to Senator Obama, including the last eleven straight. Now, do you still believe you can win this nomination?
Hillary Clinton: [ chuckles heartily ] My goodness, John! This process is far from over, and I think it’s a little premature to start counting us out.
John King: Well, a few nights ago you lost BADLY to Senator Obama in Wisconsin. In theory, isn’t that a — isn’t that a state you should have won?
Hillary Clinton: [ shaking her head ] Not at all, John. Frankly, we never expected to win Wisconsin.
John King: He also beat you in Virginia.
Hillary Clinton: [ smiling ] It was always our intention to lose Virginia.
John King: Well, what about Maryland? You lost there by twenty points.
Hillary Clinton: [ smiling ] John, getting blown out by Senator Obama in Maryland has been a dream of mine since childhood.
John King: And, just in the last two weeks, Senator Obama has been making major inroads among your main supporters — blue collar workers, Catholics, and women.
Hillary Clinton: [ chuckles heartily ] Oh, John! Apparently, someone forgot to tell that to white women over eighty! Because we’re doing very well there — just under 50%!
Campbell Brown: Now, as is customary at these debates, we’re going to have a questino from an ordinary citizen, chosen completely at random from our audience. Tonight’s questioner is: Obama Girl.
[ cut to Obama Girl standing in the audience ]
Obama Girl: Senator Obama? [ dance music pots up, as she lip-synchs: ] “I cant wait til 2008 / Baby, youre the best candidate / Yes, I got a crush on Obama / I got a crush on Obama –“
Hillary Clinton: Uh — excuse me — I — I’m sorry — um — I really have to say something here. First of all, that wasn’t even a question; second, she was lip-synching; and — and — third, I really find it diffiult to believe this particular questioner was chosen at random.
Campbell Brown: Senator clinton… if you ever… interrupt Obama Girl again, I will personally escort you from this building. Do I make myself clear?
Hillary Clinton: [ stung, she bites her lip before answering ] I’m sorry. I thought she was finished.
Campbell Brown: I think you owe Obama Girl — and the people of this nation — an enormous Obam-apology. Obama Girl, please continue.
Obama Girl: [ continues lip-synching: ] “On Obama / Barack Obama!”
[ everyone applauds Obama Girl’s question ]
Campbell Brown: Our next question is also for Senator Obama, and comes from Jorge Ramos.
Jorge Ramos: Uh — Senator Obama — [ chokes, rubs his shoulders ] Oh, God! I’m so nervous! I still can’t believe I’m actually talking to you! [ starts to lightly hyperventilate ]
Barack Obama: That’s okay. Take your time.
Jorge Ramos: Okay. Uh — as you know, uh, Senator… as I explained in the letter that I duct-taped to your front door — I’m sorry that it went on so long, I just, uh, I just really, really, really, really, really want you to be the next President! And not just because you’re a… fantastic human being, and the only person who can turn this nation around, but, you know, also because, deep down, I — I really and truly believe that it is DESTINY that you and I will one day be together! That, uh — you will become a part of me, and I will become a part of you. Joined as one. Does that make sense?
Barack Obama: Yeah, I guess. Sure.
Jorge Ramos: Okay. So, my — my question is: Are you mad at me?
Barack Obama: [ he thinks it over ] No. Not at all.
Jorge Ramos: Oh! Good! I was afraid that you might be mad at me because, you know, all the shilling for you in my campaign coverage has been so obvious, and, because I spend every night sitting in front of your house in a parked car.
Barack Obama: [ nods ] You know, Jorge… [ he motions with his hand ] as I travel around this country… I’m hearing the same… sentiments from every journalist I meet. Like the local TV anchor… in Columbus, Ohio… who brazenly wears an “Obama for President” button… as he reads the news. Or… the political reporter in Elko, Nevada… who rides around every evening after work… vandalizing Hillary’s yard signs. [ he reaches over to hold Hillary’s hand, but she struggles to pull it away ] But… for too long… in this country… the press has been hearing the same old refrain: “Just give us the news.. not your personal opinions.” And they’re tired… they’re tired of being told: “You journalists have to stay neutral. You can’t openly take sides in a political campaign.” And they’re saying, “Yes, we can. Yes, we can take sides. Yes, we can.”
Campbell Brown: [ fanning herself ] Wow..!
Jorge Ramos: Bullseye!
John King: Nothin’ but net!
Campbell Brown: Well, there’s obviously no way on Earth anyone could possibly follow that.
Hillary Clinton: Well, actually, uh —
Campbell Brown: So, this continues tonight’s debate. From all of us, here in Austin: Good night, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!”
