Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 5
Ed Mahoney…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on wedding reception, as Jenny toasts the happy couple to her left ]
Jenny: — and I remember she said to me: “Jenny… he’s the one! I FINALLY found the one!” Oh, God, I’m so happy for you two! [ weeping ] I’m so lonely… [ toasts her glass ] To Billy and Ali!
[ everyone sips champagne, except Jenny who swallows her glass whole ]
Jenny: That’s the stuff! Up next is… Billy’s best man. Ed?
[ Ed Mahoney approaches the podium chuckling heartily ]
Ed Mahoney: Whoo!! Wow! Wow, what an act to follow, huh? That girl’s got more problems than a math book! Yikes! [ chuckles loudly ] Howdy, folks! My name’s Ed Mahoney, I want to give a speech about my best PAL, here! Now, I’ve known this ol’ sack o’ potatoes here for 22 years! Though I’ve only liked him for the last nine! [ he chuckles ] No, I’m kiddin’, I’m kiddin’! Well… not really! Not really, no. The guy was a real DICK in high school! He knows as well as anybody!
Like, anyway — when Billy asked me to be his best man, I thought LONG and HARD about it! And, as some of you ladies out there know, my THOUGHTS are the only thing long and hard about me! [ he chuckles loudly ] No, I’m kiddin’, I’m kiddin’! It’s my thoughts and my CRAPS! [ he chuckles harder ] Oh, boy! Look at Ali’s face! Oh, man, she hates it when I work below the belt! God bless her! Lord knows he did in the body department! Holy moly, huh?! What a figure on this one — Jiminy Christmas! She looks like she was sculpted out of marble by a SEX MANIAC! [ he chuckles ] Well, she met her match with ol’ Billy here! This guy’s laid more pipe than the Mario Brothers! [ he chuckles, as Billy turns red ] Although, they’ve probably eaten the same amount of mushrooms! Yeah! Hey — quick mushroom story for ya’: look, Billy and I were once so high, we got in a fistfight with a bowl of M&Ms! [ he chuckles ] Yeah, and then we french-kissed for an hour! [ turns to look at Ali ] Oh, boy!! Now I’ve done it!! Look at that! Look at Ali’s face! Poop, drugs, and gay stuff — every bride’s dream, right?! [ he chuckles ]
Look, folks — marriage is about honesty! You know what else marriage is about? Lying your BALLS off! Yeah! You know what else it’s about? It’s about playing STUPID for each other! Like, do I really think my wife believes me when I tell her I think about her when I masturbate?! What the HELL am I talking about?!!
[ to Ed’s side, Billy and Ali are arguing about the speech he’s giving ]
Ed Mahoney: Oh, my goodness! Guys! I gotta be honest with ya’ — I’ve segue-wayed into an area I could NOT have anticipated! Yeah! And I’m beginning to second-guess that pint of Jack Daniels and shot of beer I drank as a switcheroo! So, let’s see if I can wrap this up! [ he raises his glass ] A toast! A toast to Billy and Ali! Now, there’s a sad statistic going around that says that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Well, the other 50%… end in death. [ he snods solemnly ] Yeah. I hope you two DIE!
Good luck, goofballs! D.J., work your magic!
[ Ed begins to dance as the D.J. plays a dance track ]
[ fade ]