Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 5
07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood
Partners…..Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis
Ms. St. George…..Kristen Wiig
Male Employee…..Andy Samberg
Third Lady…..Casey Wilson
Nan Winters-Rodriguez…..Tina Fey
[ open on black screen, with titles zooming forward ]
Announcer: From the creators of “Lipstick Jungle” and “Cashmere Mafia” —[ dissolve to four aptly-described women standing before a New York City backdrop ]
Comes a new drama about four powerful, beautiful, unrealistic women working in New York City.[ title zooms forward, as offscreen fans blow their hair ]
There’s Nicolette. In the cutthroat world of business, she holds the knife.[ cut to Nicolette standing over two male partners at a boardroom table ]
Nicolette: Now that I’ve been made a partner in this law firm, there’s going to be some CHANGES! From now on, meetings are no longer “mandatory” — they’re “womandatory”! [ she smiles, dabs lipstikck on her lips, and sprays perfume across her neck ] [ cut to Ms. St. George ]
Announcer: If you want to know about the power of persuasion… ask a woman who can sell fire to a snowman.[ cut to Ms. St. George standing over a male employee ]
Male Employee: This is some ad agency you’ve created, Miss St. George.
Ms. St. George: Thank you. And it’s pronounced “De Gorge“.
Male Employee: I apologize. Can I make it up to you by buying you a drink?
Ms. St. George: I don’t think you can handle me.
Male Employee: Why is that?
Ms. St. George: ‘Cause I’m a BITCH in the boardroom, a BORE in the bedroom… and I’m a BEAR on the toilet. [ she holds up a hairdryer and proceeds to dry her long, silky hair ] [ cut to title card ]
Announcer: “Lady Business”.[ dissolve to split-screen of the first three women ]
Three women with beauty, power, and money.[ dissolve to Nan Winters-Rodriguez ]
And a fourth woman… who knows them, somehow… maybe from college.[ dissolve to Nan Winters-Rodriguez exiting her car in a No Parking zone, as a Cop approaches ]
Cop: Excuse me, ma’am, you can’t park here.
Nan Winters-Rodriguez: [ disgusted ] Oh, I can park anywhere I WANT! Don’t you know who I am?
Cop: [ shakes his head ] No. Who are you?
Nan Winters-Rodriguez: I’m Nan Winters-Rodriguez. I remove dead animals from underneath people’s homes, with a dead animal vacuum or a hook — and I’m the BEST! Now, step aside — I’ve got to suck a family of unlucky racoons out from under that Dunkin Donuts! [ she holds up an oversized Racc-Vac and grins at the camera ] [ cut to title card ]
Announcer: “Lady Business”.[ fade ]