SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 02/23/08: Lady Business

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 5

07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood

Lady Business

Nicolette…..Amy Poehler
Partners…..Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis
Ms. St. George…..Kristen Wiig
Male Employee…..Andy Samberg
Third Lady…..Casey Wilson
Nan Winters-Rodriguez…..Tina Fey

[ open on black screen, with titles zooming forward ]

Announcer: From the creators of “Lipstick Jungle” and “Cashmere Mafia” —

[ dissolve to four aptly-described women standing before a New York City backdrop ]

Comes a new drama about four powerful, beautiful, unrealistic women working in New York City.

[ title zooms forward, as offscreen fans blow their hair ]

“Lady Business”.

[ cut to Nicolette ]

There’s Nicolette. In the cutthroat world of business, she holds the knife.

[ cut to Nicolette standing over two male partners at a boardroom table ]

Nicolette: Now that I’ve been made a partner in this law firm, there’s going to be some CHANGES! From now on, meetings are no longer “mandatory” — they’re “womandatory”! [ she smiles, dabs lipstikck on her lips, and sprays perfume across her neck ] [ cut to Ms. St. George ]

Announcer: If you want to know about the power of persuasion… ask a woman who can sell fire to a snowman.

[ cut to Ms. St. George standing over a male employee ]

Male Employee: This is some ad agency you’ve created, Miss St. George.

Ms. St. George: Thank you. And it’s pronounced “De Gorge“.

Male Employee: I apologize. Can I make it up to you by buying you a drink?

Ms. St. George: I don’t think you can handle me.

Male Employee: Why is that?

Ms. St. George: ‘Cause I’m a BITCH in the boardroom, a BORE in the bedroom… and I’m a BEAR on the toilet. [ she holds up a hairdryer and proceeds to dry her long, silky hair ] [ cut to title card ]

Announcer: “Lady Business”.

[ dissolve to split-screen of the first three women ]

Three women with beauty, power, and money.

[ dissolve to Nan Winters-Rodriguez ]

And a fourth woman… who knows them, somehow… maybe from college.

[ dissolve to Nan Winters-Rodriguez exiting her car in a No Parking zone, as a Cop approaches ]

Cop: Excuse me, ma’am, you can’t park here.

Nan Winters-Rodriguez: [ disgusted ] Oh, I can park anywhere I WANT! Don’t you know who I am?

Cop: [ shakes his head ] No. Who are you?

Nan Winters-Rodriguez: I’m Nan Winters-Rodriguez. I remove dead animals from underneath people’s homes, with a dead animal vacuum or a hook — and I’m the BEST! Now, step aside — I’ve got to suck a family of unlucky racoons out from under that Dunkin Donuts! [ she holds up an oversized Racc-Vac and grins at the camera ] [ cut to title card ]

Announcer: “Lady Business”.

[ fade ]

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