SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 02/23/08: Lady Business


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 5

07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood

Lady Business

Nicolette…..Amy Poehler
Partners…..Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis
Ms. St. George…..Kristen Wiig
Male Employee…..Andy Samberg
Third Lady…..Casey Wilson
Nan Winters-Rodriguez…..Tina Fey

[ open on black screen, with titles zooming forward ]

Announcer: From the creators of “Lipstick Jungle” and “Cashmere Mafia” —

[ dissolve to four aptly-described women standing before a New York City backdrop ]

Comes a new drama about four powerful, beautiful, unrealistic women working in New York City.

[ title zooms forward, as offscreen fans blow their hair ]

“Lady Business”.

[ cut to Nicolette ]

There’s Nicolette. In the cutthroat world of business, she holds the knife.

[ cut to Nicolette standing over two male partners at a boardroom table ]

Nicolette: Now that I’ve been made a partner in this law firm, there’s going to be some CHANGES! From now on, meetings are no longer “mandatory” — they’re “womandatory”! [ she smiles, dabs lipstikck on her lips, and sprays perfume across her neck ] [ cut to Ms. St. George ]

Announcer: If you want to know about the power of persuasion… ask a woman who can sell fire to a snowman.

[ cut to Ms. St. George standing over a male employee ]

Male Employee: This is some ad agency you’ve created, Miss St. George.

Ms. St. George: Thank you. And it’s pronounced “De Gorge“.

Male Employee: I apologize. Can I make it up to you by buying you a drink?

Ms. St. George: I don’t think you can handle me.

Male Employee: Why is that?

Ms. St. George: ‘Cause I’m a BITCH in the boardroom, a BORE in the bedroom… and I’m a BEAR on the toilet. [ she holds up a hairdryer and proceeds to dry her long, silky hair ] [ cut to title card ]

Announcer: “Lady Business”.

[ dissolve to split-screen of the first three women ]

Three women with beauty, power, and money.

[ dissolve to Nan Winters-Rodriguez ]

And a fourth woman… who knows them, somehow… maybe from college.

[ dissolve to Nan Winters-Rodriguez exiting her car in a No Parking zone, as a Cop approaches ]

Cop: Excuse me, ma’am, you can’t park here.

Nan Winters-Rodriguez: [ disgusted ] Oh, I can park anywhere I WANT! Don’t you know who I am?

Cop: [ shakes his head ] No. Who are you?

Nan Winters-Rodriguez: I’m Nan Winters-Rodriguez. I remove dead animals from underneath people’s homes, with a dead animal vacuum or a hook — and I’m the BEST! Now, step aside — I’ve got to suck a family of unlucky racoons out from under that Dunkin Donuts! [ she holds up an oversized Racc-Vac and grins at the camera ] [ cut to title card ]

Announcer: “Lady Business”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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