SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 02/23/08: I Drink Your Milkshake


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 5

07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood

I Drink Your Milkshake

Daniel Plainview…..Bill Hader
H.W. Plainview…..Amy Poehler
Guy #1…..Kenan Thompson
Guy #2…..Will Forte
Anton Chigurh…..Fred Armisen
Juno…..Tina Fey

Announcer: You’re watching the Food Network, porn for fat people.

Daniel Plainview: My name is Daniel Plainview. This is my son and partner, H.W. Plainview. I’m an oil man; I travel from state to state to find oil rich fields that I can drill on. But when I’m not doing that, I’m on a quest for my second love: the perfect milkshake. Welcome to my show.

[Theme song begins to paper cutouts Daniel and HW dancing in diners]

Singer: Oil, they call it liquid gold/But I prefer my liquids cold/I go from town to town/empty cups in my way/I drink your milkshake!

Daniel Plainview: Each week on I Drink Your Milkshake, we visit a famous ice cream parlor or soda fountain. Today, we find ourselves at Garity’s in Bangor, Maine. But enough talk, let’s go drink a milkshake, shall we? [Walks up to a couple at a table] Good day sir, ma’am.

Guy #1: Uh…hello.

Daniel Plainview: I’m Daniel Plainview, this is my partner and son H.W. I’m an oil man, but I also love milkshakes, and now, I’m going to drink your milkshake. What do you think of that?

Guy #1: I’m sorry, I don’t understand…?

Daniel Plainview: Well let me explain it to you, you have a milkshake, and I have a straw. [Pulls out an oversized straw]

Guy #1: That’s a really big straw.

Daniel Plainview: My straw reaches across the room, and I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE! [Drinks most of guy’s milkshake within one slurp] I DRINK IT UP!

Guy #1: Yeah, well I have a cold, buddy, so joke’s on you.

Daniel Plainview: Each week on I Drink Your Milkshake, I’m joined by a special guest. This week is my good friend, Mexican businessman and assassin, Anton Chigurh. [Anton walks in with the cattle gun used in No Country for Old Men] How are you, Anton?

Anton Chigurh: What business of yours is it how I am, friend-o?

Daniel Plainview: [Laughs] Very good. You remember my boy, HW? [HW is missing from the scene] No! No! I’ve abandoned my child! I’ve abandoned my boy! I’ve abandoned my child! I’ve–[HW walks back onto the set[ Oh, there he is. Ah! Another milkshake. [Daniel, Anton and HW walk up to a table with an elderly man] Good day, old man. I’m going to drink your milkshake!

Guy #2: No you’re not, go get your own milkshake!

Anton Chigurh: Let me handle this. What’s the most you ever loss on a coin flip?

Guy #2: I don’t know, I couldn’t say.

Anton Chigurh: Call it.

Guy #2: Call it?

Anton Chigurh: Yes.

Guy #2: For what?

Anton Chigurh: Just call it.

Guy #2: Well we need to know what we’re calling it for! It better not be for my milkshake!

Anton Chigurh: We’re calling it for your milkshake.

Guy #2: I thought so! Well no deal, I’m drinking it with my milkshake! Sir, please tell your wife to stop bothering me!

Daniel Plainview: This isn’t my wife, this is a man.

Guy #2: A man? Well then why do you have a lady’s hairdo? [Anton shoots him in the forehead with a cattle gun]

Daniel Plainview: That’s all the time we have for this week. Join me next week when we go to the Moo Shop in Kenosha, Wisconsin with my special guest, a young pregnant girl named Juno. [external view of Moo Shop]

Juno: My kudos for whoever shook this shake, Magnum.

Daniel Plainview: I’m sorry, are you speaking English?

Juno: Where’s the bathroom, Fombonious {sp?} Jones? I’ve got the urge to purge.

[Title card appears]

Daniel Plainview: I’m finished!

Submitted by: Joe Murray

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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