Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 5
07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood
I Drink Your Milkshake
Daniel Plainview…..Bill Hader
H.W. Plainview…..Amy Poehler
Guy #1…..Kenan Thompson
Guy #2…..Will Forte
Anton Chigurh…..Fred Armisen
Juno…..Tina Fey
Announcer: You’re watching the Food Network, porn for fat people.
Daniel Plainview: My name is Daniel Plainview. This is my son and partner, H.W. Plainview. I’m an oil man; I travel from state to state to find oil rich fields that I can drill on. But when I’m not doing that, I’m on a quest for my second love: the perfect milkshake. Welcome to my show.
[Theme song begins to paper cutouts Daniel and HW dancing in diners]
Singer: Oil, they call it liquid gold/But I prefer my liquids cold/I go from town to town/empty cups in my way/I drink your milkshake!
Daniel Plainview: Each week on I Drink Your Milkshake, we visit a famous ice cream parlor or soda fountain. Today, we find ourselves at Garity’s in Bangor, Maine. But enough talk, let’s go drink a milkshake, shall we? [Walks up to a couple at a table] Good day sir, ma’am.
Guy #1: Uh…hello.
Daniel Plainview: I’m Daniel Plainview, this is my partner and son H.W. I’m an oil man, but I also love milkshakes, and now, I’m going to drink your milkshake. What do you think of that?
Guy #1: I’m sorry, I don’t understand…?
Daniel Plainview: Well let me explain it to you, you have a milkshake, and I have a straw. [Pulls out an oversized straw]
Guy #1: That’s a really big straw.
Daniel Plainview: My straw reaches across the room, and I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE! [Drinks most of guy’s milkshake within one slurp] I DRINK IT UP!
Guy #1: Yeah, well I have a cold, buddy, so joke’s on you.
Daniel Plainview: Each week on I Drink Your Milkshake, I’m joined by a special guest. This week is my good friend, Mexican businessman and assassin, Anton Chigurh. [Anton walks in with the cattle gun used in No Country for Old Men] How are you, Anton?
Anton Chigurh: What business of yours is it how I am, friend-o?
Daniel Plainview: [Laughs] Very good. You remember my boy, HW? [HW is missing from the scene] No! No! I’ve abandoned my child! I’ve abandoned my boy! I’ve abandoned my child! I’ve–[HW walks back onto the set[ Oh, there he is. Ah! Another milkshake. [Daniel, Anton and HW walk up to a table with an elderly man] Good day, old man. I’m going to drink your milkshake!
Guy #2: No you’re not, go get your own milkshake!
Anton Chigurh: Let me handle this. What’s the most you ever loss on a coin flip?
Guy #2: I don’t know, I couldn’t say.
Anton Chigurh: Call it.
Guy #2: Call it?
Anton Chigurh: Yes.
Guy #2: For what?
Anton Chigurh: Just call it.
Guy #2: Well we need to know what we’re calling it for! It better not be for my milkshake!
Anton Chigurh: We’re calling it for your milkshake.
Guy #2: I thought so! Well no deal, I’m drinking it with my milkshake! Sir, please tell your wife to stop bothering me!
Daniel Plainview: This isn’t my wife, this is a man.
Guy #2: A man? Well then why do you have a lady’s hairdo? [Anton shoots him in the forehead with a cattle gun]
Daniel Plainview: That’s all the time we have for this week. Join me next week when we go to the Moo Shop in Kenosha, Wisconsin with my special guest, a young pregnant girl named Juno. [external view of Moo Shop]
Juno: My kudos for whoever shook this shake, Magnum.
Daniel Plainview: I’m sorry, are you speaking English?
Juno: Where’s the bathroom, Fombonious {sp?} Jones? I’ve got the urge to purge.
[Title card appears]
Daniel Plainview: I’m finished!
Submitted by: Joe Murray
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