Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 5
Tina Fey’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Tina Fey!
Tina Fey: Wow! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! wow, it is an honor to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”, on the FIRST show back from the Writer’s Strike of ought-seven — TV is BACK! [ the audience applauds ] And, uh — it’s great to be back here with our crew. You know, we went on strike, and they missed twelve weeks of work because of that, and, um, it’s just good to be here with them and know there are no hard feelings.
[ a boom mike swoops down and smacks Tina across the head ]
Okay, maybe a little tension. But, uh — [ she laughs ] But the strike was very important to the future of our industry, and I am proud to be able to tell you tonight… that the Writer’s Guild of America has negotiated a deal with the studios, that would raise the rate of writer compensation for ad-supported electronic sale through downloads, from a flate rate of $600 for 26 weeks per 1,000 downloads… to a percentage of .036% of the distributor’s gross of any ad revenue generated by said treaming after an initial window of 17 days — starting in three years. So — yeah!
[ the audience applauds ]
That’s not bad. Anyway, I am honored to be here, uh — I was a writer here for nine years, and I’ve always thought of myself more as a writer than a performer —
Steve Martin: Oh boy, oh boy!
[ Steve Martin runs up and joins Tina onstage ]
[ the audience cheers with excitement ]
Tina Fey: Steve! Uh — what are you doing here, Steve?
Steve Martin: Well, Tina, I was just sitting home watching the show, and I — I heard you say that you felt more like a writer than a performer, and I said, “I’ve gotta get up there and help that girl.”
Tina Fey: Wow. That’s pretty fast.
Steve Martin: Because, tonight, of all nights, it’s so important that you are NOT a writer — that you are a performer!
Tina Fey: Be a performer. Yeah.
Steve Martin: Do you think you can do it?
Tina Fey: [ doubtful ] I don’t know if I’m really up to it —
[ Steve extends his hand and slap Tina across the face ]
Tina Fey: Right… you’re right… I needed that, yeah…
Steve Martin: You know, Tina — I was once small like you. People forget that I got my start as a writer, and why do they forget? Because I wanted them to forget! I wanted to be a STAR! Look at you, all slouched over, like a writer. All apologetic! [ turns to glance offscreen ] Look at those writers — you don’t want to end up like them!
[ reveal a trio of frumpily-dressed writers — Simon Rich and two others — standing in front of the CNN set with mouths agape, their souls lost in the momentum ]
Steve Martin: All — all weak and — all weak and — and — young! Now, STAND UP STRAIGHT!!
Tina Fey: Okay.
Steve Martin: Now, take off those glasses!!
[ Tina whips off her glasses and smiles ]
Steve Martin: You know… put ’em back on again.
Tina Fey: Okay. [ returns her frames to her face ]
Steve Martin: But, you know why? Because it’s a trademark, and people love trademarks!
Tina Fey: Okay!
Steve Martin: You’ve gotta stay loose and playful! [ grabs her temple ] A writer lives up here! [ pats his belly ] A performer works from the GUT!
Tina Fey: Okay!
[ Steve reaches over to pat Tina’s belly, then grimaces ]
Steve Martin: What have you got under there, bike shorts or something?
Tina Fey: Don’t worry about it.
Steve Martin: Oh. Now, let me hear you say it: “I can do it!”
Tina Fey: I can do it!
Steve Martin: Now, say it a little louder now!
Tina Fey: I can do it!!
Steve Martin: A little softer now!
Tina Fey: [ with a whisper ] I can do it.
Steve Martin: Now, say it like you’re — like you’re in an old-fashioned movie!
Tina Fey: [ as Mae West ] I can do it!
Steve Martin: Now, say it like a cartoon mouse!
Tina Fey: [ squeaky-voiced ] I can do it!
Steve Martin: Now, say it like a — like a — like a cartoon mouse in Spanish!
[ Tina rattles off a squeaky voice in an off-dialect ]
Steve Martin: Now, say it like a drunk Chinese woman!
Tina Fey: Ohhh, I can dew eet!
Steve Martin: [ stretches out his arms and smiles ] You know what I think? I think you can do it!
Tina Fey: [ smiles ] I think I CAN do it!
[ Steve slaps Tina across the face a second time ]
Tina Fey: What was that one for?
Steve Martin: That one was just for fun!
[ Steve slaps Tina across the face a third time ]
Tina Fey: Was that one for fun, too?
Steve Martin: No, that’s the Comedy Rule of Three.
Tina Fey: Oh.
Steve Martin: Now, introduce the show!
Tina Fey: Okay! [ to the audience ] We’ve got a great show — Carrie Underwood is here!
Steve Martin: [ excited ] Carrie Underwood?!
[ Steve runs off to find her ]
Tina Fey: Stick around, we’ll be right back!