Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 5
Rock of Love II
Bret Michaels….Jason Sudeikis
Christy Jo….Casey Wilson
Big John….Fred Armisen
[Rock beat. Montage of reality show Rock of Love II.Cut to Bret Michaels, singer of 80’s hair band Poison.He has a red handkerchief that covers his head andforehead. Cowboy hat on. In the house there are Goldrecords hanging from the walls.]
Bret Michaels: This has been the toughest season everin the two seasons of “Rock of Love”. I’m just havinga devil of a time deciding which one of this smokinghot, hotties is my one true love and sex mate. Youknow, its days like this I wish I wasn’t Bret Michaelsbut I am. So I’m just doing what any other regular guywould do to find love—have VH-1 fill a McMansion inReseda with dicey strippers, put them in bikinis andthen have them smash dirt bikes into each other. Whatcan I say? I’m a romantic.[Cut to shot of the outside pool. Cut again into themansion. Three young women stand side by side in somesteps. Candles burn in the wall behind them. BretMichaels stands in front of them. He has an acousticguitar with him, sits on a stool]
Bret Michaels: Ladies, this has been a long road andyou’re all amazing women. But one of you has to gohome tonight because—[sings and plays the guitar hissignature ballad “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”]Every rose has its thorn…[Cut to one of the girls confessionals. Daisy is adirty blond, tattooed groupie. She is stoned or drunkand holds a drink in her hand]
Daisy:[rambling] When I first met Bret I was like “Ohmy God he’s the man of my dreams” and I was like “Ihope he picks me” and then I was like “did someoneslip something in my drink?” and then I was like”where am I?” and then I was like “oh, yeah, we’re atBret’s house”.[takes a sip of her drink and drools all over herself] [Cut to Bret singing]
Bret Michaels:[sings] Just like every night has its dawn….[Cut to Peyton’s confessional. Peyton is a crazy eyedgroupie. Dressed in black, tank top, unkempt look on her]
Peyton: I’m just getting really scared cause Bret andI aren’t connecting and that’s because Bret and Ihaven’t had enough face-time! The only time we did getface-time I tried to kiss him and he pushed my faceaway and that guy will make out with anything. Onetime I saw him making out with a pair of sweat pants!! Face-time!![Cut to Bret singing]
Bret Michaels:[sings] Just like every cowboy/sings asad,sad song/ every rose has its thorn….[In hops beautiful, blond, rude, leg amputee Amber.She hops on her one leg with a McDonald’s bag in herhand chewing her food.]
Amber: Yeah, I’m late, I’m late! Who cares?! I’m alsohot and I’m rocking one leg! Jealous?![throws gang signs] [Cut to Amber’s confessional]
Amber: Here’s why I’m going to win Bret’s heart. I cando the worm, I’ve served jail time, I got mad skintags and I’m rocking one leg, bro’! So, which one ofyou bitches is coming in second?[Cut to Bret and the girls]
Bret Michaels: I got four beautiful ladies here andI’ve only got three passes so–[gets hit withsomething]-hey, what was that?
Amber: What?! Are you blind?! It was a chicken McNugget!
Bret Michaels: Amber, why would you do that?
Amber: Because I need attention.
Bret Michaels: Look Amber, I got to tell you, I justcan’t figure you out.
Amber: Good! I don’t wanna be figured out!
Bret Michaels: You’re very complicated.
Amber: You’re very complicated!
Bret Michaels: And you only got one leg.
Bret Michaels: Which I got to say, I find a little sexy.
Amber: Yeah, I know you do.[Amber empties the MacDonald’s bag into her mouth. Amess of fries and McNuggets hit her face. A frydangles from her mouth] [Christy Jo is another hopeful and the only oneslightly attractive. She’s a desperate one]
Christy Jo:[almost crying]I just want to say that I’mhere for you, Bret!
Daisy: Oh my God, I’m at Bret’s house!
Peyton: I just need some face-time![Bret grimaces]
Bret Michaels: OK. Big John, can I have the first pass, please?[Dramatic piano music. Big John has a do rag on hishead. He walks in and hands Bret a necklace.]
Big John: You got it, Bret Michaels.[leaves] [A shot of the girls. Christy Jo has her fingerscrossed, Peyton has a crazy stare on her face, Daisyis barely conscious and Amber picks her teeth with her fingernails]
Bret Michaels: Christy Jo, will you come down here, please?
Christy Jo: Ooh!![Christy Jo walks down the couple ofsteps and joins Bret]
Bret Michaels: Christy Jo, do you promise to stay inmy house and continue to rock my world? [puts on thenecklace/pass on Christy Jo]
Christy Jo: Oh my God! Of course,[hyperventilatesbetween pauses] I’m–so–here–for–you!!
Bret Michaels: Good. But remember what I told you. Ineed to to get to know the inside of your mouth better.
Christy Jo: Ok.[They sloppily suck each others tongues. Christy Jomakes a kind of disgusted face, goes back to her place on the steps]
Bret Michaels: Yeah, yeah. Big John, can I get the next pass, please?
Big John: I got it right here, Bret Michaels.[leaves]
Bret Michaels: Thanks Big John. Peyton, will you get down here, please?
Peyton: Face-time!![goes down the steps and joins Bret]
Bret Michaels: All right, here’s your pass. Now look,I need to pick three people this week, so you’restaying but I can’t reiterate enough how unattracted Iam to you.[Peyton tries to get close to Bret’s face,he puts his hand on her face pushing her back] No, no.
Peyton: FACE-TIME![leaves] [Bret wipes his hand on his jacket]
Bret Michaels: All right, I only got one pass left.
Amber: Good. I only got one leg left.
Bret Michaels: Big John.
Big John: Bret Michaels.[gives the last necklace/pass to Bret and leaves]
Bret Michaels: Daisy, will you come down here, please?[Daisy joins Bret]Daisy?
Bret Michaels: Daisy I uh–[Daisy tries to pick underBret’s bandanna]no, no, no. Don’t. Trust me. LookDaisy, will you stay in this house and continue torock my world?
Daisy: Oh, my God! Yeah! I love you Bret, I love youmore than anything, ba, ba, ba, ba [mumblesincoherently, Bret kisses her in the mouth and shecontinues to ramble on. He blows air on her face. Shegoes back to her place on the steps]
Bret Michaels: That’s good. That was real good. Itfelt good. It looked good. Ok, Amber, I’m afraid thatmeans your tour ends here.
Bret Michaels: Will you come down here, please?
Amber: Fine. I was going that way anyway.[Amber hops down to Bret and with each hop, she farts] [Hop, pffft, hop, pffft, hop, pffft, hop, pffft, hop, pffft, hop, pffft]
Bret Michaels: I’m sorry, Amber. Are you farting?
Amber: Yeah, I farted. Jealous?[makes gang signs]
Bret Michaels: Am I jealous that you’re farting?[Amber raises her hip, loud fart, pffffft!]
Bret Michaels: Amber, it is time for you to go.
Amber: Yeah, I know it is time for me to go and I’mlate! I got a million shows lined up that I’m gonnahop on over to find love. “I Love New York”, “Flavorof Love”, “Celebrity Rehab”, “Scott Baio is 50”, “TimGunn”, “Dog Whisperer”, “The Perfect Shot”, “The RealHousewives”, “How Clean is your House” and “Cash Cab”!Because you know who has two thumbs, one leg and hasthe skills to pay the bills?[points her thumbs atherself]This guy! Yeah, Boy-hee!![throws gang signs]Uh-oh![loses her balance and falls to the floor face first] [Rock of Love II logo] [Cheers and Applause] [fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel