Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 5
NBC Celebrity Apprentice
Donald Trump….Darrell Hammond
Jennifer Tilly….Kristen Wiig
Ted Allen….Jason Sudeikis
Charles Barkeley….Kenan Thompson
Rachel Ray….Casey Wilson
Mary Jo Buttafucco….Tina Fey
John Mark Karr….Bill Hader
Gene Simmons….Fred Armisen
Matthew Lesko….Andy Samberg
Creepy Old Dancing Guy from The Six Flags Commercials….Amy Poehler
Judge Lance Ito….Will Forte
Announcer: Hollywood is back to work and so is NBC[TheHollywood sign, NBC offices and logo]with all theshows you’ve been missing. Just check out our newre-vamped Thursday night line-up.
Announcer: At 8:00 its an all new “CelebrityApprentice” [The O’Jays “For the love of money” plays.Celebrity Apprentice logo]Can “Queer Eye’s” Ted Allensurvive the wrath of the Donald?
[Cut to Donald Trump sitting at his boardroom tableand Ted Allen and Jennifer Tilly sit in front of him]
Donald Trump: Team Strike Force Dragon. Your task wasto invent a new flavor of gushers. America’s leader ingummy fruit snacks. You came up with the parma-berry.Jennifer Tilly, what is a parma-berry?
Jennifer Tilly: Its Parmesan cheese and boysenberry.
Donald Trump: Ted Allen from “Queer Eye”. I was toldyou were the gay guy with good taste. What gives?
Ted Allen: Well, I really thought the combination ofthe citrus with the ripeness of Parmesan would createa surprising mouth feel.
Donald Trump: It was gross! My daughter said it wasthe smelliest thing she ever put in her mouth! Guesswhat? You’re f—[scene freezes]
Announcer: Who knows what will happen next?
Caption: NBC Premiere Event
Announcer: Then at 9:00 its a special NBC “CelebrityApprentice. The New Breed”
Caption: Celebrity Apprentice. The New Breed.
Announcer: With Greg Allman[photo], MarioCantone[photo], Ron Popeil[photo], 1979 “Penthouse Petof the Year” Cheryl Rixon,[photo], Lou Bega[photo] andJaleel White[photo]. But first in the boardroom itsThe Food Network’s Rachel Ray and Sir CharlesBarkeley.
[Cut to the boardroom. Rachel smiles big, open mouthedand Charles stares at her with dumb look on him]
Donald Trump: Team Righteous Fist of Harmony. Thisweek I instructed you to come up with a dynamic new adcampaign for barefoot cruises. America’s premierclothing-optional cruise line. They’re dynamite.They’re really dynamite.Charles Barkeley, what did youcome up with?
Charles Barkeley: OK. Barefoot Cruises. “Its a newfangle, for your old dingle dangle”.
Donald Trump: Its not sexy. We’re talking barefootcruises. Its classy, erotic, like bearskin rugs andthree-cheese fondue! Rachel Ray?
Rachel Ray: Ooh! FONDUE! YUM-MERS! You could eat somuch they should call it FON-DON’T![braying laugh]
Charles Barkeley: Oh, Rachel Ray, you’re a nationaltreasure. Hey, I got one. Barefoot Cruises, “feel thebreeze without your dungarees”. OK, I’m fired.[gets up to leave]
Announcer: At 9:30 we mix it up with “CelebrityApprentice Special Victims Unit”.
Caption: Celebrity Apprentice. Special Victims Unit.
Announcer: With Keith Patton, Mary Jo Buttafucco andthe creepy JonBenet Ramsey guy John Mark Karr.
[In the boardroom sits Mary Jo Buttafucco with hercrooked mouth, mangled face and the creepy, unblinkingpederast John Mark Karr. A cop stands behind them]
Donald Trump: Your job is to produce and market yourown sex tape. John Mark Karr, I gotta be honest, yougive me the willies, man. And not in a good way.
John Mark Karr:[deep voice] Really? Well, I alwaysthought I had an innate, natural charisma. [staresahead like the living dead]
Donald Trump: Yuck. Mary Jo Buttafucco, your husbandJoey made a very, very classy sex film. Why didn’t youask him for advice?
Mary Jo Buttafucco:[crooked speech] Well, for obviousreasons we’re not on speaking terms.
Donald Trump: Welly, why? Did something happen between you two?
Mary Jo Buttafucco: Well, he had sex with an underagegirl and then she came to my house and shot me in the face.
Donald Trump: I’m very sorry to hear that. You’refired. What do you think of sex tapes surprising new Celebrity Judge Gene Simmons?
[KISS bassist Gene Simmons sits beside Donald, eye shades on]
Gene Simmons: If you want to make a hot sex tapeyou’ve got to follow the Gene Simmons holy trinity ofsex tapes. Lock the camera down, keep your shirt onand bless the foreigner.[lowers his shades and gives ademonic smirk] That’s guaranteed to keep every sex tape moist.
Announcer: Then from 9:30 to 9:45 “CelebrityApprentice Goes Commercial” with Matthew Lesko.
Caption: Celebrity Apprentice Goes Commercial
[Matthew Lesko has his book “Free Money” on his hands.His suit is designed with dollar signs painted on it. Glasses, wild hair]
Matthew Lesko: The government will give you 20,000dollars to write your own opera!! BUY MY BOOK!
Announcer: And the creepy old dancing guy from the Six Flags commercial.
[Creepy old dancing guy has thick black eyeglasses,bald head, big nose and a tuxedo on]
Creepy Old Dancing Guy: Mr. Trump, I’m just thrilledto have the opportunity to demonstrate my business acumen.
Donald Trump: Are you gonna dance for us, old man?
Creepy Old Dancing Guy: I’d rather not.
Donald Trump: Then you’re fired. Isn’t that rightShocking Celebrity Judge from the O.J. Simpson trialand I might add–The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Judge Lance Ito?
[Judge Ito raises his gavel]
Judge Lance Ito:[sing-song]I brought my own gave-e-e-el!!
Announcer: NBC. Where quality happens.
[Music from the Six Flags commercials plays]
[The Creepy Old Dancing Guy dances wildly besides TheDonald. Donald looks at him for a moment then turns to the camera]
Donald Trump: Its gonna be huge. Hu-u-u-u-uge!!
[Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel