Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: It’s good to see you again! I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler! Here are tonight’s top stories.
The New York Times this week printed an article alleging that John McCain may have had an improper affair with lobbyist Vicki Iseman. Or, as it’s known among lobbyists: “lobbying”.
The province of Kosovo, on Sunday, declared independence from Serbia, prompting Hillary Clinton to ask, “So who gets those delegates?”
Seth Meyers: On Tuesday, after 49 years in power, 81 year-old Fidel Castro resigned as Cuba’s president. Quitter!
U.S. military officials have announced that they successfully shot down a damaged spy satellite Wednesday, and that the resulting shards of debris are expected to be no larger than footballs — THOUSANDS of them — raining down from the sky in an apocalyptic nightmare of toxic hellfire. So, rest easy.
Amy Poehler: According to Los Angeles officials, the Hollywood Writers Strike cost the city $2.5 billion. Or, roughly: ten movies about treasure.
Seth Meyers: Baseball player Andy Pettitte apologized Monday for taking performance-enhancing drugs, blaming his actions on “stupidity” and “desperation”, and “not expecting to get caught.”
During his visit to Liberia this week, President Bush was given the nation’s highest civilian honor — a meal.
Amy Poehler: Scientists on Monday said they have discovered evidence of a large toad, nicknamed the “devil frog”, which lived 65 million years ago and may have eaten newborn dinosaurs. But then, when pressed for details, the scientists admitted they were just making it all up.
Seth Meyers: After his win in Wisconsin on Tuesday, Sen. John McCain announced himself the Republican nominee for President. This despite the fact that his closest rival, Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, remains in the race. Here to explain why he has yet to recede, Gov. Mike Huckabee! [ applause as Huckabee appears to Seth’s left] Uh — hello, Governor, hello.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Hello, Seth… Amy.
Seth Meyers: So, Governor — you remain in the race, despite the fact that it’s a mathematical impossibility that you can win. And our question is: Why?
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Well, Seth, uh — the media loves to throw around the term “mathematical impossibility”… but no one can ever explain exactly what that means to me.
Seth Meyers: Well, let me give it a shot. Basically, it takes 1,191 delegates to clench your party’s nomination, and, even if you won every remaining unpledged delegate, you would still fall 200 delegates short.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: [ amazed ] Wow. Uh — Seth, that was an excellent explanation, uh — but I’m afraid that you overlooked the all-important SUPERDELEGATES. Don’t forget about them.
Seth Meyers: Alright. Well, I won’t forget about them… but the superdelegates are only in the Democratic Primary.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: [ stunned ] Uhhh — they can’t vote in the Republican Primary?
Seth Meyers: They cannot.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Uh-oh! [ his face turns red ] Uh — that’s not good news. Yuo know, Seth, I was counting on those superdelegates!
Seth Meyers: Uh-huh. Sorry to break that to you! Now, uh — does this mean that, now that you know that, you’re gonna drop out of the race?
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Well, fortunately, Seth, uh — I’m not a math guy. I’m more of a miracle guy. Uh, so, at this point, I’m going to focus on the miracle part. But if that miracle doesn’t happen, let me assure the American people that Mike Huckabee does not overstay his welcome. When it’s time for me to go, I’ll know… and I’ll exit out with class and grace.
Seth Meyers: Well, that is really good to know. We appreciate your stopping by, Governor. Gov. Mike Huckabee, everyone![ the audience applauds ]
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Thank you, Seth… thank you, Amy.
Seth Meyers: No, no — thank you so much for stopping by.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Well, thank you! Great to be here![ Huckabee remains seated, as Seth and Amy wait for him to make his exit ]
Amy Poehler: It was great having you.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Well, it was just GREAT being here!
Amy Poehler: Great.[ Huckabee remains seated at the desk ]
Seth Meyers: Gov. Mike Huckabee, everyone![ Huckabee remains seated ]
Seth Meyers: Uh — Governor — Governor Huckabee..?
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Seth?
Seth Meyers: I — I think we’re done now, sir.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Oh, right. You — you know, normally I pick up on those things. Uh — sorry.[ Huckabee pulls away from the deks and exits ]
Seth Meyers: Alright. Gov. Mike Huckabee, everybody! Great — he’s GREAT with social cues!
Amy Poehler: A kitten that ran out of its carrier case in a New York City subway platform has been found after 25 days in the underground tunnels. The kitten reportedly survived by hooking up with a hip-hop dance crew.
It was announced this week that butter and sweets will no longer be on the menu at New York City jails. Great news for inmates “Butter” and “Sweets”.
Seth Meyers: A California man’s collection of 301 rare American pennies sold at auction this week for $10.7 million. Far exceeding my pre-auction estimate of three dollars and one cent.
Officials at Nickelodeon have begun casting for the lead in the new “Dora the Explorer” live-action movie, and here’s the frontrunner: [ photo of Javier Bardem from “No Country For Old Men” ] He may be a little dark, but it’ll work…
Amy Poehler: Rapper Snoop Dogg was given a desk appearance ticket Wednesday night in New York for possession of marijuana. Snoop called the ticket “unfair” and “hard to roll”.
Lurch, a dog in Michigan, was given the Pet’s Best Friend award by a local American Red Cross chapter, for donating blood over twenty times. Now, obviously, Lurch can’t talk, but, if he could, I think he would say: “Mmm… my balls are delicious!”
Seth Meyers: The hot new toy at this year’s Toy Fair is the Spykee Robot, which can change TV channels, play music from its built-in iPod dock, and send live video through a WiFi connection. Yet another in a long line of setbacks for wooden blocks.
Matthew McConaughey will appear shirtless in TV ads for Dolce & Gabbana’s new fragrance — also, everywhere else.
The name of the fragrance? You guessed it — [ in character: ] “Alright, alright, alright..!”
Amy Poehler: And now it’s time for the latest installment of “Women’s News”, with special “Women’s News” correspondent Tina Fey.
Tina Fey: Thank you, Amy. I think we can all agree that it’s a great time to be a lady in America. And not just because of that new yogurt that helps you poop — although, on the serious, thank you for that yogurt!
Now, let’s take a look at the stories affecting your daughters and mothers and the grouchy ladies in your office.
Lindsey Lohan recently recreated an old Marilyn Monroe photo shoot for New York Magazine, and I have to hand it to Lindsey for continuing to find new and different ways to look old.
A new study shows that strokes have tripled in recent years among middle-aged women, which doctors blame on obesity… and which I blame on sixty-five year-old women calling themselves middle-aged.
Kirstie Alley is saying that rumors that she has regained the weight she lost on Jenny Craig are not true. Hmm? She knows we can see her, right? It’s not some kind of Scientology invisibility cloak?
And, finally, the most important women’s news item there is: We have our first serious female presidential candidate in Hillary Clinton — [ audience applauds ] And, yet, women have come so far as feminists that they don’t feel obligated to vote for a candidate just because she’s a woman. Women today feel perfectly free to make whatever choice Oprah tells them to.
Which raises the question: Why are people abandoning Hillary for Obama? Some say that they are put off by the fact that Hillary can’t “control her husband” and that we would end up with “co-presidents”. ‘Cause that would be terrible, having two intelligent qualified people working together to solve problems. Ughh. Why would you let Starsky talk to Hutch? I wanna watch that show “Starsky.” You know, what is it, America? What is it? Are you weirded out that they’re married? Because I can promise you they are having exactly as much sex with each other as George Bush and Jeb Bush are.
Then, there is the scrutiny of her physical appearance. Rush Limbaugh, the Jeff Conaway of right wing radio, said that he doesn’t think America is ready to watch their president “turn into an old lady in front of them.” Really? They didn’t seem to mind when Ronald Reagan did that.
I think what bothers me the most is when people say that Hillary is a bitch. And, let me say something about that: Yeah, she is! And so am I! And so is this one! [ she points to Amy Poehler ]
Amy Poehler: Yeah, deal with it!
Tina Fey: You know what? Bitches get stuff done. That’s why Catholic schools use nuns as teachers and not priests! Those nuns are mean old clams, and they sleep on cots and they’re allowed to hit you! And, at the end of the school year, you hated those bitches, but you knew the capital of Vermont! So, I’m saying it’s not too late, Texas and Ohio! Get on board! Bitch is the new black!
Amy Poehler: Tina Fey, everyone!
Seth Meyers: It’s great ot be back! For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Good night!
Seth Meyers: Tina Fey!!