SNL Transcripts: Ellen Page: 03/01/08: The Dakota Fanning Show


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 6

07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

The Dakota Fanning Show

Dakota Fanning….Amy Poehler
Reggie Hudson….Kenan Thompson
Mylie Cyrus….Ellen Page
Mariam Budia….Casey Wilson
Sharoiki Kasuko….Fred Armisen
Bruce Vilanch….Jason Sudeikis

[Opens with a cool jazz riff from Reggie and his band on a TV studio. Child actress Dakota Fanning in a pink blouse comes out and waves to the crowd]

Caption: The Dakota Fanning Show

Reggie: Its The Dakota Fanning Show! With your host Dakota Fanning!

Dakota Fanning: Hello, hello everyone. And welcome to The Dakota Fanning show. Where child actors have the opportunity to discuss a wide range of issues. From the ascension of Raul Castro in the lingering sub prime mortgage crisis, to lighter topics like the new Cai Guo Qiang exhibit at the Guggenheim. Before we get started has everyone seen the film Persepolis? Reggie?

Reggie: Um, I don’t think so.

Dakota Fanning: You know, the adaptation of Marjane Satrapi graphic novel?

Reggie: Graphic novel? You mean, like a comic book?

Dakota Fanning: That’s right, Reggie. But in this comic book no one has mutant powers so you might not be interested!

[Reggie is offended]

Dakota Fanning: The marvelous Reggie Hudson!

[Cool jazz riff. Dakota jumps like a little girl on her chair]

Dakota Fanning: As you know The Dakota Fanning Show has been off the air during the writer’s strike and I would like to take this opportunity to welcome back our incredible writing staff. Spanish playwright Mariam Budia[shot of Mariam depressed face], Japanese poet Sharoiki Kasuko[shot of nerdy poet], and Bruce Valanch![shot of Bruce with his beard and wild hair, giddy as hell waving hello] He’s the best! Now, the goal of this show has always been to represent the voice of my generation and today we’ll hear that voice first-hand in a new segment called “Kids speak”.

Reggie:[sings the jingle]Kids speak! Speaking with kids! Kids speak!

[Cut to Dakota in Rockefeller Center, microphone in hand asking questions to three kids]

Dakota Fanning: Did Stalin bring down the Soviet Union? Or was it an experiment doom to fail?

[The kids are stumped]

Kid: What?

[Cut to another little kid]

Dakota Fanning: What’s your favorite David Lynch movie?

Kid: Uuummmm…..

[Cut to another kid]

Dakota Fanning: What’s your thought on the nuclear crisis in Iran?

[cut to another kid]

Dakota Fanning: Did you catch Phillip Glass at Carnegie Hall?

Kid: No.

[cut to boy and a girl]

Dakota Fanning: Who’s your celebrity crush?

Girl: Zach Ephron.

Dakota Fanning: Mine’s Charlie Rose!

[cut to 3 kids]

Dakota Fanning: Updike or Gaddis?

[cut to another kid]

Dakota Fanning: Tolstoy or Dostoevsky?

[cut to 3 kids]

Dakota Fanning: “Bonjour Tritesse”—masterpieces or overrated?

Kid: What’s a masterpiece?

Dakota Fanning: That’s a good question!

[cut to a black kid]

Dakota Fanning: Is Sarkozy trampling French people’s rights?

[kid is stumped]

Jingle: Kids speak!

[cut back to studio on Reggie]

Reggie: What the f…?

Dakota Fanning: My guest this evening stars on a show called Hannah Montana. An obvious allusion to Montana Wildhack from Vonnegut’s “Slaughterhouse-Five”. Please welcome, Hannah Montana herself, Mylie Cyrus!

[Mylie and Dakota jump around like little girls then both take a seat]

Mylie Cyrus: Oh my gosh, Dakota! Its such a thrill to be here!

Dakota Fanning: I’m sure it is! Now, I understand you’ve been on some kind of a concert tour?

Mylie Cyrus: Oh, you wouldn’t believe it! I got to perform in 54 cities for over a million people. Wow!

Reggie: Hey, I took my kids to see your concert, Mylie. You were amazing! Those songs are still stuck in my head.

Dakota Fanning: Well then, you better keep those songs coming, Mylie! Cause he’s got a lot of space to fill!

[Reggie’s smile disappears. Offended again]

Dakota Fanning: Now Mylie, tell me about your character, Hannah Montana!

Mylie Cyrus: Well, I have sort of a dual personality. Like, I’m Mylie Cyrus in normal life but on stage I’m Hannah Montana! Whooo!

Dakota Fanning: Interesting. You know, I have a music career also and an alter ego. You’re Hannah Montana and I’m Wanda Rwanda. Can we show the album cover?[shot of the album cover is sickly blue with Dakota looking all depressed holding her hand up. Wanda Rwanda a jam sesh called Wanda] Its an unique mix of spoken word, industrial jazz, folk funk, aeolian wind harp solos and covers of Tom Waits B-sides.

Mylie Cyrus: Awesome! Did you collaborate with Reggie on the album?

Reggie:[angry] Yeah, did you collaborate with Reggie on the album? Because I seem to remember Reggie waiting on winter for a phone call.

Dakota Fanning: It was more of a solo project. But if I ever need a second fiddle I won’t forget ‘ol Reggie!

Reggie:[mutters under his breath] Yeah, I’ll fiddle with your car brakes.

[Mylie brings out a doll]

Mylie Cyrus: Hey, hold it Dakota! Check this out! Its my new Hannah Montana doll. Its pretty awesome, right?!

Dakota Fanning: Yeah, I also have a doll. Its for my upcoming film called “Hurricane Mary” were my sister and I play severely disabled twins.

Mylie Cyrus: You want to play?

[Close-up on Mylie’s doll and Dakota’s hideous half-size doll.]

Dakota Fanning: Oh, I wish I could play but I’m severely disabled.

[Drops doll on its face]

Mylie Cyrus: Can I just sing one of my songs?

Dakota Fanning: You got it! But only if you let me join you on the Hurdy Gurdy!

Reggie: Hit it!

[Mylie gets up and rocks out]

Mylie Cyrus:[sings] Best of both worlds! Chilling out, take it slow then you rock out the show! You’ve got the best of both worlds!….

[Dakota cranks an old timey music box that she has hanging from her neck]

Caption: The Dakota Fanning Show logo.

[fade] [cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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