Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 6
The Melissa Etheridge Experience
Marty….Ellen Page
Rico….Andy Samberg
[Opens with a young guy playing video games in his living room couch. A cute young girl enters the room a little out of breath with a black Melissa Etheridge t-shirt, jeans.]
Rico: Hey, babe. How was the Melissa Etheridge concert?
Marty: Oh my God! It was awesome!
Rico: Oh, good.
Marty: No, no, no. Like un-freakin’-believable!
Rico: I’m glad you had fun.
Marty: No, you don’t understand! It was like all this women packed in there, you know, and they were all like in every shape and size and they were all singing and bonding! And there were tables were you could sign like…petitions for, female, circumcisions….to stop, and, and Suze Orman was there and she had this booth for gay mortgages and there were all this girls in athletic tank tops and I was like “Oh, my God!”
[Jumps and lands besides Rico on the couch]
Rico: And how was the actual concert?
Marty: Oh, Melissa was insane! And her girlfriend came out and sang something with her and they showed slides of their kids and it was so inspiring! And then The Indigo Girls came out as a surprise and I was like “AAAAAAHHHH!!!”
[She jumps a couple of times]
Rico: Were there any guys there?
Marty: No, no…and then they all sang “Closer I Am To Fine” together in this big great lezzie jam and that is such a memory song for me!
Rico: It is?
Marty: Yeah, and then Ellen DeGeneres came out and did this bit about being in the closet when she was young and I was like “AAAAAAHHHH!!!”[She jumps back on the couch] It was so funny and true, you know, and I just don’t know what to do with myself because I felt so free, you know?[She lies on the couch]
Rico: Marty, did you go gay in that concert?
Marty: Gay? No way! I don’t know what you mean by gay though.
Rico: I don’t know like “ladies having sex with each other” gay.
Marty: I just felt like I was an oil lamp that’s never been lit. Now I’m finally burning bright with sister fire. Oh God, and there were so many cute short haircuts and wearable art and I don’t care that I don’t have make-up on! Everybody smelled so good and I was like “AAAAAHHHH!!!”
[She slides from the couch into the floor]
Rico: You so went gay at that concert.
Marty: Oh, why does everything has to have a fricking label?![She opens up her legs wide, spread eagle, she holds her legs open] Why can’t I just hug a woman with my legs in friendship?
Rico: Yeah, you are like primo lesbian now.
Marty: What is lesbian though? Really! Come on!
Rico: I don’t know, you and another girl sucking face with no bras on and not because it’s my birthday?
[She jumps back on the couch and she gets very close to Rico’s face]
Marty: Its not like that, Rico! I just really ache to have deeper relationships with the women in my life![Getting turned on she whispers on Rico’s ear] Especially the tall one that was standing next to me with the dark ponytail and she was like, had this legs and they were all brown and they were strong and they were shooting out of her shorts….ahh!
Rico: Marty, this might just be a phase.
Marty: Like a permanent phase?
Rico: Well, I just want you to know that if it turns out you are a real lez, then I’ll go gay too and we can still live together.
[They face each other on the couch and look straight into each others eyes]
Marty: You’re the best.
Rico: So are you.
[They give each other a heartfelt hug]
[fade]
[Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
