Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 6
Ellen Page’s Monologue
Diablo Cody…..Andy Samberg
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Ellen Page!
Ellen Page: Wow! Thank you! Thank you very much! I’m Ellen Page, and oh my god, it is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I mean I’ve had an amazing year, I was nominated for an Academy Award for my role in Juno, [applause] No, I didn’t win, I didn’t win you guys, but you know — being in New York is just such a thrill for me, it’s —[Diablo Cody walks out with her Oscar she won for writing Juno]
Diablo Cody: Um, Excuse me!
Ellen Page: Wow. Hey guys, this is my friend, Diablo Cody, she wrote Juno!
Diablo Cody: What’s up? You left your hamburger phone. [Hands Ellen a hamburger]
Ellen Page: Thanks.
Diablo Cody: So what’s the dealio, home-skillet? What happened to what I wrote for you?
Ellen Page: Yeah, I know I asked you to write something for me at that Oscar party, but, when I read it, I thought it felt more like how Juno would talk than me.
Diablo Cody: Play it again, Samantha! I blog to differ.
Ellen Page: I’m really sorry, Diablo. I know you worked really hard on it.
Diablo Cody: Yeah, you bet your stupid human ass I did, Page Against the Machine. Need ye forget, my bologna has an first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R! [Flaunts her Oscar around]
Ellen Page: Congratulations. Okay, if it means that much to you, I’ll read what you wrote.
Diablo Cody: Awesome! And go.
Ellen Page: Okay, thank you, thank you! Gracias por mucho, señor. It’s great to be here hosting Saturday Night Lizzive.
Diablo Cody: Great, great. You’re doing great, you’re doing great.
Ellen Page: You know, things have gone cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs since I started Juno, which was common denominated for Best Flickeroni. Diablo, I’m sorry. I’m not really comfortable saying this right now.
Diablo Cody: What’s your dental damage, Kermit the Blog? I mean exquise me for writing you a world-class monoblog.
Ellen Page: Okay, you’re using the word blog entirely too much.
Diablo Cody: What the blog are you blogging about, Sonic the Hedgeblog? Blog the Bounty Hunter? Captain Sblog?
Ellen Page: Okay, will you just–
Diablo Cody: Snoop Bloggy Blog featuring Nate Blog!
Ellen Page: Great Diablo. I’m really sorry, but if I could just do this the normal way, I mean I’m hosting…
Diablo Cody: It’s Coolio Iglesias. I’m gonna drink my way into Sunny D-tinis. I heard the after parties here are off the Hulk like Bruce Banner’s shirt.
Ellen Page: Way to leave on a high note.
Diablo Cody: I was a stripper!
Ellen Page: Well, we have a great show, Wilco is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.
Submitted by: Joe Murray