SNL Transcripts: Ellen Page: 03/01/08: Ellen Page’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 6

07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

Ellen Page’s Monologue

…..Ellen Page
Diablo Cody…..Andy Samberg

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Ellen Page!

Ellen Page: Wow! Thank you! Thank you very much! I’m Ellen Page, and oh my god, it is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I mean I’ve had an amazing year, I was nominated for an Academy Award for my role in Juno, [applause] No, I didn’t win, I didn’t win you guys, but you know — being in New York is just such a thrill for me, it’s —

[Diablo Cody walks out with her Oscar she won for writing Juno]

Diablo Cody: Um, Excuse me!

Ellen Page: Wow. Hey guys, this is my friend, Diablo Cody, she wrote Juno!

Diablo Cody: What’s up? You left your hamburger phone. [Hands Ellen a hamburger]

Ellen Page: Thanks.

Diablo Cody: So what’s the dealio, home-skillet? What happened to what I wrote for you?

Ellen Page: Yeah, I know I asked you to write something for me at that Oscar party, but, when I read it, I thought it felt more like how Juno would talk than me.

Diablo Cody: Play it again, Samantha! I blog to differ.

Ellen Page: I’m really sorry, Diablo. I know you worked really hard on it.

Diablo Cody: Yeah, you bet your stupid human ass I did, Page Against the Machine. Need ye forget, my bologna has an first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R! [Flaunts her Oscar around]

Ellen Page: Congratulations. Okay, if it means that much to you, I’ll read what you wrote.

Diablo Cody: Awesome! And go.

Ellen Page: Okay, thank you, thank you! Gracias por mucho, señor. It’s great to be here hosting Saturday Night Lizzive.

Diablo Cody: Great, great. You’re doing great, you’re doing great.

Ellen Page: You know, things have gone cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs since I started Juno, which was common denominated for Best Flickeroni. Diablo, I’m sorry. I’m not really comfortable saying this right now.

Diablo Cody: What’s your dental damage, Kermit the Blog? I mean exquise me for writing you a world-class monoblog.

Ellen Page: Okay, you’re using the word blog entirely too much.

Diablo Cody: What the blog are you blogging about, Sonic the Hedgeblog? Blog the Bounty Hunter? Captain Sblog?

Ellen Page: Okay, will you just–

Diablo Cody: Snoop Bloggy Blog featuring Nate Blog!

Ellen Page: Great Diablo. I’m really sorry, but if I could just do this the normal way, I mean I’m hosting…

Diablo Cody: It’s Coolio Iglesias. I’m gonna drink my way into Sunny D-tinis. I heard the after parties here are off the Hulk like Bruce Banner’s shirt.

Ellen Page: Way to leave on a high note.

Diablo Cody: I was a stripper!

Ellen Page: Well, we have a great show, Wilco is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

Submitted by: Joe Murray

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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