Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 6
The Continuing Adventures of Peter Pan
Captain Hook…..Bill Hader
Peter Pan…..Ellen Page
Pirate #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Pirate #2…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on book entitled “The Continuing Adventures of Peter Pan” ]
Narrator: And now, the continuing adventures of Peter Pan. [ turns page ] Chapter 26: Hook’s Revenge. After years of humiliation at the hands of Peter Pan and the Lost Boys, a frustrated Captain Hook summons his pirate crew to discuss a change in strategy.
Captain Hook: Okay men, gather around. Guys, right here. So I called this meeting so we could talk about the Peter Pan situation. Last night, he raided our ship with his gang of Lost Boys, and stole three trunks of treasure.
Smee: Well, the Lost Boys are a wily bunch, Captain Hook.
Captain Hook: They’re literally a group of children. They’re 10, 11 years old, tops. Their swords are made out of wood. You’re professional pirates. With guns.
Redbeard: We’ll get ’em next time, huh?
Captain Hook: Well, we better, because they’re making us look ridiculous. Other pirates laugh at us.[ an alarm sounds ]
Pirate #1: [ looks through telescope ] Captain! Peter Pan’s comin’!
Captain Hook: Okay, this is good! Okay, here’s our chance. Is everyone’s gun loaded?
Captain Hook: [ in hammy tone ] You’re luck’s run out, Peter Pan!
Captain Hook: Shoot him! Shoot him![ Pirates stare in awe as the Lost Boys join Peter and start singing and dancing as a horrified Hook looks on ]
Peter Pan: [ singing ]
“I don’t care for rules. I’d rather laugh and play. Don’t tell me what to do! I won’t do what you say! I’d rather be a boy than a grumpy old man. Hey, Captain Hook! Catch me if you can!”
Captain Hook: Why didn’t anybody shoot him?! He was right in front of us! [ goes back to middle of ship ] Why didn’t anybody- [ hears Smee humming ] Stop humming his song! Look, we’re down to our last sack of treasure. What just happened?
Smee: Ah, he got away.
Captain Hook: Hey, Redbeard.
Redbeard: Yes, Captain?
Captain Hook: Hey, I want you to stand right here, okay? [ places him near the middle on two barrels ] Okay, keep your finger on the trigger. If Peter Pan comes back, I want you to shoot him in the head, okay?
Redbeard: Okay, but what if I don’t have a clear shot?
Captain Hook: Look, he always go to the same spot, right? [ goes where Peter had stood ]
Captain Hook: For his dances.
Captain Hook: So I want you to stand right here, point blank, [ makes gesture of brains being blown out ] pow! Okay?
Redbeard: Right. Aye-aye, Captain.
Captain Hook: Good.[ alarm sounds again ]
Pirate #1: [ looks through telescope ] Captain! They’re comin’ back!
Captain Hook: Okay, okay, this is good! This is good! Redbeard, what are you gonna do if Peter Pan gets back here?
Redbeard: Shoot him in the back of the head!
Captain Hook: Great! Here we go, men! [ in hammy tone ] You’re luck’s run out, Peter Pan![ Pirates go to the side again as Peter flies in and lands in middle of ship ]
Captain Hook: Shoot him! Shoot him! He’s right there – shoot him![ Peter is joined by Lost Boys and they start singing and dancing again as pirates look on in awe ]
Peter Pan: [singing]“We don’t need guns!”
Lost Boys: “No, we don’t need guns!”
Peter Pan: “And our swords are made of wood!”
Lost Boys: “And our swords our made of wood!”
Peter Pan: “But we’re gonna steal the treasure!”
Lost Boys: “Yes, we’re gonna steal the treasure!”
Peter Pan: “Because our hearts are pure and good!”
Lost Boys: ” ‘Cause our hearts are pure and good!”[ Peter and the Lost Boys steal another bag of treasure and fly away. As soon as they’re gone, Redbeard finally fires his gun. ]
Captain Hook: [goes back to middle, scratching his chin with his hook ] Okay. Hey guys, guys, um…I’m gonna ask every to grade themselves, okay? Smee, how do you think you did?
Smee: Ah, C minus.
Captain Hook: Redbeard, what about you?
Redbeard: I’m gonna say B plus.
Captain Hook: B plus? Seriously?
Redbeard: Nobody knew he was going to steal the treasure. We had no idea!
Captain Hook: Oh, good point. Except we did know, because he sang about it!
Smee: Which part?
Captain Hook: The part where he sang, “We’re going to steal the treasure.”
Smee: Oh yeah! That was my favorite part. [ other pirates agree ]
Captain Hook: [ frustrated ] People, people! We’re pirates, okay?! Murderers? Is everybody clear on that?
Captain Hook: Okay then, no more mistakes. [ in rushed tone ] You’re luck’s run out, blahbladedeblah.[ alarm sounds again as Hook runs to the side of the ship ]
Pirate #1: [ looks through telescope ] Oh, they’re comin’! They’re comin’ back!
Captain Hook: Come on, guys, let’s go! Here we go![ Peter flies in again to the middle of the ship, this time with Tinkerbell ]
Captain Hook: Shoot him! Shoot him! You got a clear shot – shoot him!
Peter Pan: [ singing ]“Hey there, Tinkerbell. What do ya say?”
Captain Hook: Shoot him!
Tinkerbell: [ singing ] “Peter, you’re my hero in every way!”
Captain Hook: Shoot him!![ As Peter starts dancing, the other pirates join him. ]
Peter Pan: [ singing ] “We don’t need guns!”
Pirates: “No, we don’t need guns!”
Captain Hook: [ spoken ] What are you doing dancing?!
Peter Pan: “And I’d rather laugh and play!”
Pirates: ” ‘Cause he’d rather laugh and play!”
Captain Hook: [ spoken ] Shoot him! [ steps down towards the middle ] Pardon me, guys. I guess I gotta do everything around here. Hold on. [ hits Tinkerbell to the floor and repeatedly stomps on her ]
Tinkerbell: Oww! Ow, ow, ow, ow, owww!
Peter Pan: Good heavens! You’ve killed Tinkerbell!
Captain Hook: Yes, yes. See guys? It’s not that hard.
Peter Pan: Unless…
Smee: [ determined ] What is it, Peter Pan? Is there something we can do?
Peter Pan: Well, maybe if enough Peter clap their hands to show that they believe in fairies…
Captain Hook: [ annoyed ] Aw, give me a break!
Peter Pan: …Well maybe, just maybe, Tinkerbell will come on back to life! Come on everyone! Yeah! [ everyone claps except for Hook ] Tinkerbell! [ Tinkerbell comes back to life and Peter and pirates celebrate ]
Captain Hook: [ mocks ] Yay! [ gives up ] I’m out! I’m out!
Peter Pan: Yeah! Tinkerbell! Yeah! [ starts singing ] “We don’t need guns!”
Pirates: “No, we don’t need guns!”
Peter Pan: “And we’d rather laugh and play!”
Pirates: “And we’d rather laugh and play!”[ “The End” screen comes up as Peter and pirates dance ] [ fade ]
Submitted by: Laura Fanjoy