SNL Transcripts: Ellen Page: 03/01/08: Shopping with Virginiaca


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 6

07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

Shopping with Virginiaca

Virginiaca…..Kenan Thompson
Young Salesman…..Andy Samberg
Stepdaughter…..Ellen Page

Announcer: And now, Shopping With Virginica!

Virginiaca: [enters the Baby Gap] Oh, ooh! Oh, whoo, oh, I made it! Oh, my goodness, I am winded. How come Baby Gap gotta be on the second floor? Babies can’t be crawlin’ all the way up in here! They got little baby hands and feet! [eats some cake out of her purse] Ooh, this cake is good.

Young Salesman: [comes up to her] Hello there. May I help you?

Virginiaca: [flirting] That depends, can you lift me up over your head?

Young Salesman: I doubt it.

Virginiaca: Well, how ’bout just my bottom half?

Young Salesman: Uh, are you interested in some baby clothes?

Virginiaca: That depends, do you wanna see me in some baby clothes?

Young Salesman: Ma’am, I’m only 18.

Virginiaca: Inches?

Young Salesman: OK. If you need me, I’ll be nowhere. [leaves]

Virginiaca: I don’t understand that! Oh, where is this girl? [into her walkie-talkie cell phone] Girl, you are gettin’ on my one big nerve! Where is you?!

Stepdaughter: [enters] Dang, Mama, I was at the Proactiv booth gettin’ some free samples! [her shirt is full of small samples]

Virginiaca: Well, all right then! [opens purse] Dump ’em in here! Don’t tell Vanessa Williams, though.

Stepdaughter: [putting samples into her purse] What Vanessa Williams don’t know won’t hurt her!

Virginiaca: I don’t wanna hear your foolishness! OK, we gotta get you some outfits for spring break.

Stepdaughter: Just make sure that it’s tight-and-right! [does a little dance move]

Virginiaca: You are so nasty. You are so nasty. Oh, girl, check this out, look at this here! Mmm! [picks up a tiny pair of pants] Woop woop woop! [the stepdaughter does a dance] Booty-shorts alarm! Booty-shorts alarm!

Stepdaughter: All right, how much is this? [holds the pants up towards the salesman] How much this? [he doesn’t reply] I’m sayin’ how much these booty-shorts?!

Young Salesman: Those aren’t booty shorts, they’re baby pants.

Virginiaca: Mm-hmm.

Stepdaughter: You tellin’ me I can’t be tryin’ these on?

Young Salesman: They’re not gonna fit.

Stepdaughter: Mama, I think he’s tryin’ to seminate that I’m fat or somethin’!

Virginiaca: Why you callin’ her fat? Where are your scruples?

Young Salesman: OK, these are clothes for babies. Are you guys planning on buying something for a baby?

Virginiaca: Yes we are, this is my step-baby right here. We can buy this whole store if we wanted to! Maybe you know my husband, Mr. Cedric Earlsworth Hastings, of Hastings Aluminum Tubing? Mm-hmm! [shows her big diamond ring] Ta-dow! And my name is Virginiaca.

Stepdaughter: Lucky for you he’s not up in here with me and my stepmoms, he’s havin’ IBS somethin’ turrible.

Virginiaca: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I used up two giant cans of Oust this mornin’ and I was like “I got to get ‘Oust’ of here!”

Stepdaughter: Just tell me where I be tryin’ these shorts on!

Young Salesman: Ma’am, I’m sorry, I can’t have you stretching out the merchandise.

Stepdaughter: For srs?! Mama, he won’t let me be tryin’ these shorts on, so how I can tell if I can do my booty back-and-forth?!

Virginiaca: [deep, scary man-voice] Why can’t my baby do her booty back-and-forth?

Young Salesman: I don’t even know what that is.

Virginiaca: Well, watch and learn! [they go to a table and stand on either side and do the booty-dance] Slide the booty back, push your booty forth. Booty back-and-forth, booty back-and-forth, [the salesman looks bewildered] booty back-and-forth, booty back-and-forth, booty back-and-forth, shake it with a fork! [they both celebrate]

Stepdaughter: I just brought this whole situation up to a higher level!

Virginiaca: [eats some chips out of her purse] Mm-hmm, baby, you sure did, mm-hmm.

Stepdaughter: Oh, Mama, those corn chips are full of trans-fats!

Virginiaca: Hush up, girl! I’m gettin’ my Niacen. [appears to lose something in her purse, but leaves it] Now how ’bout we try on some shorts!

Young Salesman: I can’t let you do that.

Virginiaca: Oh, OK, you know what? Baby girl, why don’t you go up to the Chick-Fil-A and get Mama some nuggrets?

Stepdaughter: Where’s the Chick-Fil-A!

Virginiaca: It’s off the esqualator!!

Stepdaughter: [exiting] DANG, MAMA!

Virginiaca: [does a little dance up to the counter] Uh, well, excuse me, have you ever been to D.C.?

Young Salesman: Washington?

Virginiaca: No. [leans down so that her boobs are on the counter, and points to each one] D and C. Yeah, I’m pleasingly lopsided.

Young Salesman: Oh, no thank you.

Virginiaca: OK, well, how ’bout this: [pushes clothes off table, climbs onto it and kneels on all fours with her butt towards his face] You see this position I’m in right now?

Young Salesman: Yes.

Virginiaca: Imagine it wigglin’ and nekkid.

Young Salesman: And I quit! [exits]

Virginiaca: [shakes it] Booty back-and-forth! Booty back-and-forth! [scene ends]

Submitted by: Rose

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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