Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 6
Shopping with Virginiaca
Young Salesman…..Andy Samberg
Announcer: And now, Shopping With Virginica!
Virginiaca: [enters the Baby Gap] Oh, ooh! Oh, whoo, oh, I made it! Oh, my goodness, I am winded. How come Baby Gap gotta be on the second floor? Babies can’t be crawlin’ all the way up in here! They got little baby hands and feet! [eats some cake out of her purse] Ooh, this cake is good.
Young Salesman: [comes up to her] Hello there. May I help you?
Virginiaca: [flirting] That depends, can you lift me up over your head?
Young Salesman: I doubt it.
Virginiaca: Well, how ’bout just my bottom half?
Young Salesman: Uh, are you interested in some baby clothes?
Virginiaca: That depends, do you wanna see me in some baby clothes?
Young Salesman: Ma’am, I’m only 18.
Young Salesman: OK. If you need me, I’ll be nowhere. [leaves]
Virginiaca: I don’t understand that! Oh, where is this girl? [into her walkie-talkie cell phone] Girl, you are gettin’ on my one big nerve! Where is you?!
Stepdaughter: [enters] Dang, Mama, I was at the Proactiv booth gettin’ some free samples! [her shirt is full of small samples]
Virginiaca: Well, all right then! [opens purse] Dump ’em in here! Don’t tell Vanessa Williams, though.
Stepdaughter: [putting samples into her purse] What Vanessa Williams don’t know won’t hurt her!
Virginiaca: I don’t wanna hear your foolishness! OK, we gotta get you some outfits for spring break.
Stepdaughter: Just make sure that it’s tight-and-right! [does a little dance move]
Virginiaca: You are so nasty. You are so nasty. Oh, girl, check this out, look at this here! Mmm! [picks up a tiny pair of pants] Woop woop woop! [the stepdaughter does a dance] Booty-shorts alarm! Booty-shorts alarm!
Stepdaughter: All right, how much is this? [holds the pants up towards the salesman] How much this? [he doesn’t reply] I’m sayin’ how much these booty-shorts?!
Young Salesman: Those aren’t booty shorts, they’re baby pants.
Stepdaughter: You tellin’ me I can’t be tryin’ these on?
Young Salesman: They’re not gonna fit.
Stepdaughter: Mama, I think he’s tryin’ to seminate that I’m fat or somethin’!
Virginiaca: Why you callin’ her fat? Where are your scruples?
Young Salesman: OK, these are clothes for babies. Are you guys planning on buying something for a baby?
Virginiaca: Yes we are, this is my step-baby right here. We can buy this whole store if we wanted to! Maybe you know my husband, Mr. Cedric Earlsworth Hastings, of Hastings Aluminum Tubing? Mm-hmm! [shows her big diamond ring] Ta-dow! And my name is Virginiaca.
Stepdaughter: Lucky for you he’s not up in here with me and my stepmoms, he’s havin’ IBS somethin’ turrible.
Virginiaca: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I used up two giant cans of Oust this mornin’ and I was like “I got to get ‘Oust’ of here!”
Stepdaughter: Just tell me where I be tryin’ these shorts on!
Young Salesman: Ma’am, I’m sorry, I can’t have you stretching out the merchandise.
Stepdaughter: For srs?! Mama, he won’t let me be tryin’ these shorts on, so how I can tell if I can do my booty back-and-forth?!
Virginiaca: [deep, scary man-voice] Why can’t my baby do her booty back-and-forth?
Young Salesman: I don’t even know what that is.
Virginiaca: Well, watch and learn! [they go to a table and stand on either side and do the booty-dance] Slide the booty back, push your booty forth. Booty back-and-forth, booty back-and-forth, [the salesman looks bewildered] booty back-and-forth, booty back-and-forth, booty back-and-forth, shake it with a fork! [they both celebrate]
Stepdaughter: I just brought this whole situation up to a higher level!
Virginiaca: [eats some chips out of her purse] Mm-hmm, baby, you sure did, mm-hmm.
Stepdaughter: Oh, Mama, those corn chips are full of trans-fats!
Virginiaca: Hush up, girl! I’m gettin’ my Niacen. [appears to lose something in her purse, but leaves it] Now how ’bout we try on some shorts!
Young Salesman: I can’t let you do that.
Virginiaca: Oh, OK, you know what? Baby girl, why don’t you go up to the Chick-Fil-A and get Mama some nuggrets?
Stepdaughter: Where’s the Chick-Fil-A!
Virginiaca: It’s off the esqualator!!
Stepdaughter: [exiting] DANG, MAMA!
Virginiaca: [does a little dance up to the counter] Uh, well, excuse me, have you ever been to D.C.?
Young Salesman: Washington?
Virginiaca: No. [leans down so that her boobs are on the counter, and points to each one] D and C. Yeah, I’m pleasingly lopsided.
Young Salesman: Oh, no thank you.
Virginiaca: OK, well, how ’bout this: [pushes clothes off table, climbs onto it and kneels on all fours with her butt towards his face] You see this position I’m in right now?
Young Salesman: Yes.
Virginiaca: Imagine it wigglin’ and nekkid.
Young Salesman: And I quit! [exits]
Virginiaca: [shakes it] Booty back-and-forth! Booty back-and-forth! [scene ends]
Submitted by: Rose