Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 7
Roger Clemens Presents
Roger Clemens…..Jason Sudeikis
Matt Mulgrew…..Amy Adams
[Segment opens with mock “Masterpiece Theater”-type theme song, and a fancy but modified title caption reading “Roger Clemens Presents.” Clemens appears behind a black background, a la Alfred Hitchcock or Robert Montgomery, and looks kind of nervous as he prepares to narrate his first play.]
Roger Clemens: Good evening. I’m seven-time Cy Young Award Winner Roger Clemens. Recently I’ve been in the news due to a widening federal perjury probe that has both the FBI and the IRS giving me major red-ass. The whole thing has made me so angry, I’ve decided to write a play titled “Guess What, Dingbats; Steroids ARE Good for Baseball.” Yeah, I wrote a play, so shut up! Act one. Let’s do it.
[Claps his hands and walks off-screen signaling the start of the act. Black backgroud opens up to the office of a baseball team manager with portaits of his teams’s best players including Matt Mulgrew. The manager, nicknamed Skip is being interviewed by a sports reporter. The whole scene looks like a cheesy movie set during the “Golden Age” of Baseball]
Reporter: So, uh, how do you feel about the new season, Skip?
Skip: I feel great. We’ve got young pitching, we’ve got a deep bench. We’ve got Mulgrew.
Reporter: What about Matt Mulgrew? Your slugger’s been tied to steroids.
Skip: Ah, don’t worry about Matt Mulgrew.
[Reporter seem reassured. An un named player opens the manager’s door]
Player: Hey, Skip, Mulgrew’s here and I think there’s a problem.
Skip: Is something wrong? He’s not hurt is he?
Player: Uh, no he’s not hurt, but umm…
[Mulgrew himself walks in the office and much to our surprise he has shrunk to the size of a young girl.]
Matt Mulgrew: Good news, Skip. I’m off the juice.
[Fades to black, Clemens shows up]
Roger Clemens: End of act one. I know it’s a short act, but get off my back. It’s my FIRST PLAY! You get it so far? All the big fellas are gonna get scawny and weak… like those stat geeks nobody likes. Act two takes places from where act one left off. Let’s do it, come on.
[Clemens claps his hands and walks off-screen again. Black background lightens up to the same setting]
Skip: Mulgrew, I’d have to say you look scrawny and weak, like those stat geeks everybody hates. Is this gonna affect your performance?
Mulgrew: Nah, don’t worry. I’m still the same POWER-HOUSE!
[Maury, the batting coach walks in the door]
Maury: Hey, Skip.
Matt Mulgrew: Maury, hey!
Maury: Where’d the rest of you go?
Matt Mulgrew: Aw, whaddayou guys so worried about? Gimme da bat.
[Maury hands him the bat which proves to be so heavy for him he falls flat on his face. He get’s right back up, trying to keep his balance. Maury leaves as Skip brings Mulgrew to his desk]
Skip: Look, Mulgrew. I really need power from you this year.
Matt Mulgrew: Mm-hmm.
Skip: Steroid power. If things don’t change, I might have to bench you.
Matt Mulgrew: Well, now that I’m smaller uh, maybe I could play second.
Skip: Yeah, I have Salazar at second.
[Salazar opens the door, and sure enough, he too is now as scrawny as Mulgrew]
Salazar: [in bad hispanic accent] Did somebody call me?
Matt Mulgrew: Yo, Salazar!
[They high-five each other]
[Fades to black, Clemens shows up again]
Roger Clemens: End, SCENE! See what’s happening? Thanks to those nerds in Congress, like Henry Waxman, all your heroes are tiny and useless. Act three takes place in a hospital. And it’s a REAL TEAR-JERKER!
[Clemens walks off agaon. Black background fades to hospital setting. A sick “little” kid has an I.V. device and other medical equipment He lays there, coughing and wretching. Violin music plays in the background.]
Matt Mulgrew: Hey, Timmy. Did you see the game today?
Timmy: No. Did you hit a home run for me like your promised?
Matt Mulgrew: I can’t hit home runs anymore, but uh, I walked twice and got to second on a throwing error.
[Timmy flatlines. A doctor approaches his bed]
Doctor: He’s gone.
Matt Mulgrew: [wooden] Doc, what happened?
Doctor: This kid died of a broken heart, because baseball sucks now, because of stats geeks no one likes.
Matt Mulgrew: [equally wooden] Nooooooooo!
[Mulgrew bows his head Background fades to black and Clemens shows up again crying this time]
Roger Clemens: The end. You happy now, Congress? You just killed a kid!
Voice: Calm down, Roger.
Roger Clemens: NO YOU CALM DOWN! I DON’T CALM DOWN, YOU CALM DOWN! I’M THE ROCKET!
Voice: This isn’t helping.
Roger Clemens: YOU’RE NOT HELPING! I AM MAD ALL THE TIME!
Submitted by: Daniel Dey