Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 7
Dr. Helen Winston…..Amy Adams
[ open on exterior, office building ] [ dissolve to exterior, office door: “Dr. Helen Winston — Couples Therapy” ] [ dissolve to interior, office, Dr. Helen Winston beginning her counseling session with ?? ]
Dr. Helen Winston: I know this is your first time in Couples Therapy, and that it seems like a scary journey… but the good news is the love is there. And you’ve already taken the hardest step, by coming here.
Brian: [ smiling ] Well, thanks, Doctor… I-I-I feel better already! I-I guess, uh, the main problem is communication. Uh, I feel like we — we listen to each other, but we don’t always hear each other?
Dr. Helen Winston: Mmm… How do you feel, Bagdana?
Bagdana: I am citizen. You — you cannot take away! Citizen, now! [ reaches over ] Documents — documents in bag! [ opens bag, pulls out documents ] Real marriage!
Dr. Helen Winston: Hmmmm… [ she nods ] I think Bagdana makes a very interesting point — [ making quote-signs with her fingers ] “Real marriage” isn’t always the picture-perfect fairy tale people make it out to be. Would you agree with that, Brian?
Dr. Helen Winston: Bagdana?
Bagdana: [ clutching her documents ] Uh — it’s real — it’s real marriage! This is real! Real marriage!
Dr. Helen Winston: Okay. I understand that you’ve been having some… intimacy issues?
Brian: Yes. Our, uh — wedding night was spectacular. But, uh, ever since we’ve started living together, uh — Bagdana and I haven’t actually been intimate at all.
Bagdana: [ shaking her head ] No! I gave the sex! On wedding night! [ opens her documents and scampers through the papers ] Proof of intercourse, uh, documents and photos… yes! [ she holds this proof up ] It’s legitimate marriage! Bagdana never return to village — no more plow… no more pig! Bagdana free now!
Dr. Helen Winston: You know what? I think I’m sensing some boundary issues here.
Brian: Yeah! Well, you know… all I-I’m really asking is for her to open up a little more.
Dr. Helen Winston: [ taps her pen on her nose ] Ding, ding, ding, ding! Good, Brian — we’ve identified one of your needs. Now, Bagdana, why don’t you talk about some of your needs? Needs that, maybe, aren’t being met.
Bagdana: Uh — uh — I need husband to sign K-3 form… [ holds up the form in front of Brian ] Petition for alien wife. Sign top… initial bottom… submit by certified letter by May 16th.
Bagdana: Yes. [ shoves form to Dr. Helen Winston ] You! You — you — you the witness! You witness — you sign bottom — certifiy marriage — use black pen, press very hard!
Dr. Helen Winston: Okay, Bagdana… is it the documents you want him to pay attention to, or… is it your feelings?
Bagdana: [ considers the question for a moment ] Documents. You sign documents — today! I gave the sex.
Dr. Helen Winston: Ahhh! Aha! We’re getting somewhere! This is about TRUST — it’s about validation. Okay! Now, we’re gonna try a fun little role-playing exercise. Bagdana, I want you to play Brian… and, Brian, I want you to play Bagdana. Go!
Brian: [ thinking ] Uh — “Brian?” Uh — “You are the man of my dreams,” um — “You complete me.”
Dr. Helen Winston: Okay. Bagdana, your turn. And, remember, you’re playing Brian.
Bagdana: [ blinking incoherently for a moment ] “My name Brian.” [ she blinks ] “I am to busy to sign document today. Leave document on table. Me already American, me take for granted.” [ points ] “Oh, look — there is McDonald’s. We stop — McDonald’s. Never enough of the McDonald’s. My butt is so fat! Is disgusting!” [ she spits on Brian’s shoe ] “I am Brian.”
Dr. Helen Winston: Okay! That was valuable, Bagdana. Thank you for sharing that.[ Bagdana just stares blankly across the room ]
Dr. Helen Winston: You know what’s especially helpful? To go back to the beginning, when the love started. Brian, I want you to tell me about that special day.
Brian: [ misty-eyed ] Oh, I will never forget it. I was at, uh — South Street Seaport… walking along the docks… when this beautiful angel popped out of the hole of a Bulgarian fishing boat. [ glances lovingly at Bagdana ] Uh — she had this nervous expression on her face, and she kept looking over her shoulder. Uh — as soon as she saw me, she just GRABBED me! And I asked her what her name was, she asked me if I was an American citizen… the next thing I knew, we were married!
Dr. Helen Winston: That’s a beautful story. But we’re out of time. Before you go home, I — I want you to look in each other’s eyes and say something positive — it could be anything, as long as it’s from the heart.[ Brian looks deep into Bagdana’s eyes ]
Brian: I love you, Bagdana. You are my life.[ Dr. Helen Winston smiles, and nods for Bagdana to return the volley ]
Dr. Helen Winston: Bagdana?
Bagdana: [ blinking ] Uh — you sign for… I give one more sex.
Dr. Helen Winston: Good work today! And, Bagdana? We’ll get to those, uh, forms some other time.[ Brian stands him and Bagdana up and pulls her toward the door ]
Bagdana: [ crying out ] No! Wait! Bagdana so close — please! Please sign it![ fade ]