SNL Transcripts: Amy Adams: 03/08/08: Couples Therapy


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Couples Therapy

Dr. Helen Winston…..Amy Adams
Brian…..Will Forte
Bagdana…..Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, office building ] [ dissolve to exterior, office door: “Dr. Helen Winston — Couples Therapy” ] [ dissolve to interior, office, Dr. Helen Winston beginning her counseling session with ?? ]

Dr. Helen Winston: I know this is your first time in Couples Therapy, and that it seems like a scary journey… but the good news is the love is there. And you’ve already taken the hardest step, by coming here.

Brian: [ smiling ] Well, thanks, Doctor… I-I-I feel better already! I-I guess, uh, the main problem is communication. Uh, I feel like we — we listen to each other, but we don’t always hear each other?

Dr. Helen Winston: Mmm… How do you feel, Bagdana?

Bagdana: I am citizen. You — you cannot take away! Citizen, now! [ reaches over ] Documents — documents in bag! [ opens bag, pulls out documents ] Real marriage!

Dr. Helen Winston: Hmmmm… [ she nods ] I think Bagdana makes a very interesting point — [ making quote-signs with her fingers ] “Real marriage” isn’t always the picture-perfect fairy tale people make it out to be. Would you agree with that, Brian?

Brian: Definitely!

Dr. Helen Winston: Bagdana?

Bagdana: [ clutching her documents ] Uh — it’s real — it’s real marriage! This is real! Real marriage!

Dr. Helen Winston: Okay. I understand that you’ve been having some… intimacy issues?

Brian: Yes. Our, uh — wedding night was spectacular. But, uh, ever since we’ve started living together, uh — Bagdana and I haven’t actually been intimate at all.

Bagdana: [ shaking her head ] No! I gave the sex! On wedding night! [ opens her documents and scampers through the papers ] Proof of intercourse, uh, documents and photos… yes! [ she holds this proof up ] It’s legitimate marriage! Bagdana never return to village — no more plow… no more pig! Bagdana free now!

Dr. Helen Winston: You know what? I think I’m sensing some boundary issues here.

Brian: Yeah! Well, you know… all I-I’m really asking is for her to open up a little more.

Dr. Helen Winston: [ taps her pen on her nose ] Ding, ding, ding, ding! Good, Brian — we’ve identified one of your needs. Now, Bagdana, why don’t you talk about some of your needs? Needs that, maybe, aren’t being met.

Bagdana: Uh — uh — I need husband to sign K-3 form… [ holds up the form in front of Brian ] Petition for alien wife. Sign top… initial bottom… submit by certified letter by May 16th.

Brian: Okay…

Bagdana: Yes. [ shoves form to Dr. Helen Winston ] You! You — you — you the witness! You witness — you sign bottom — certifiy marriage — use black pen, press very hard!

Dr. Helen Winston: Okay, Bagdana… is it the documents you want him to pay attention to, or… is it your feelings?

Bagdana: [ considers the question for a moment ] Documents. You sign documents — today! I gave the sex.

Dr. Helen Winston: Ahhh! Aha! We’re getting somewhere! This is about TRUST — it’s about validation. Okay! Now, we’re gonna try a fun little role-playing exercise. Bagdana, I want you to play Brian… and, Brian, I want you to play Bagdana. Go!

Brian: [ thinking ] Uh — “Brian?” Uh — “You are the man of my dreams,” um — “You complete me.”

Dr. Helen Winston: Okay. Bagdana, your turn. And, remember, you’re playing Brian.

Bagdana: [ blinking incoherently for a moment ] “My name Brian.” [ she blinks ] “I am to busy to sign document today. Leave document on table. Me already American, me take for granted.” [ points ] “Oh, look — there is McDonald’s. We stop — McDonald’s. Never enough of the McDonald’s. My butt is so fat! Is disgusting!” [ she spits on Brian’s shoe ] “I am Brian.”

Dr. Helen Winston: Okay! That was valuable, Bagdana. Thank you for sharing that.

[ Bagdana just stares blankly across the room ]

Dr. Helen Winston: You know what’s especially helpful? To go back to the beginning, when the love started. Brian, I want you to tell me about that special day.

Brian: [ misty-eyed ] Oh, I will never forget it. I was at, uh — South Street Seaport… walking along the docks… when this beautiful angel popped out of the hole of a Bulgarian fishing boat. [ glances lovingly at Bagdana ] Uh — she had this nervous expression on her face, and she kept looking over her shoulder. Uh — as soon as she saw me, she just GRABBED me! And I asked her what her name was, she asked me if I was an American citizen… the next thing I knew, we were married!

Dr. Helen Winston: That’s a beautful story. But we’re out of time. Before you go home, I — I want you to look in each other’s eyes and say something positive — it could be anything, as long as it’s from the heart.

[ Brian looks deep into Bagdana’s eyes ]

Brian: I love you, Bagdana. You are my life.

[ Dr. Helen Winston smiles, and nods for Bagdana to return the volley ]

Dr. Helen Winston: Bagdana?

Bagdana: [ blinking ] Uh — you sign for… I give one more sex.

[ Brian smiles, then leans over to kiss Bagdana’s cheek ] [ Dr, Helen Winston stands and smiles ]

Dr. Helen Winston: Good work today! And, Bagdana? We’ll get to those, uh, forms some other time.

[ Brian stands him and Bagdana up and pulls her toward the door ]

Bagdana: [ crying out ] No! Wait! Bagdana so close — please! Please sign it!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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