SNL Transcripts: Amy Adams: 03/08/08: Mirror Image


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Mirror Image

Hailey Winters…..Amy Adams
Hagley Winters…..Kristin Wiig
Mr. Heffernan…..Bill Hader
Announcer…..Paula Bell

Announcer: You’re watching ABC Family, because sometimes, regular ABC is just a little too in your face. Now, for the premiere of the 10th season of “Mirror Image!”

Theme song: They were two identical twins and they decided to pull a trick/They pretended to be the same person and only did half the work/Their plan was working perfectly, no one suspected a thing/But then they got to high school and one of them got fat! [Shows image of Hailey and Hagley standing at the same weight, then Hagley’s stomach getting larger] Mirror Image!

Mr. Heffernan: Everybody settle down! Settle down, please! Before we dive into the exciting world of Renaissance paintings, I’d like to welcome a new student to Totenville High school, Hailey Winters. [Hailey stands up and waves] Now, Hailey has skipped a grade, but despite her academic prowess, she also managed to win the equestrian championship and won top honor at the science fair, for her project, a cure for diabetes. Wow, Hailey, did I miss anything?

Hailey: I’d say you missed a career in male modeling.

Mr. Heffernan: [Blushes] Wow, that’s…very kind of you. I have to say, I don’t know how you pull it all off.

Hailey: I’ve been told I have the work ethic of two students. [Hailey winks at the camera with a toothy smile]

Mr. Heffernan: Well I’m sure you were able to finish that summer reading report. You do have that book report, right?

Hailey: Oh, right, the um…the book report. Could I just run to the bathroom?

Mr. Heffernan: You go right ahead.

Hailey: Thanks. I’ll be right back. [Hailey winks at the camera and walks out of the room]

Mr. Heffernan: OK, let’s open our textbooks to page 131, please. OK, as you all know…

Hagley: [Walks in the room with a padded stomach] Hey, sorry I took so long in the bathroom. I had to pee so much the whole bowl overflowed. Here’s my report.

Mr. Heffernan: Uh…excuse me, who are you, and what are you doing here?

Hagley: What do you mean? I’m Hailey Winters! And I’m here to learn about [Trying to pronounce Renaissance Paintings] Ray…nay…sounce pantines.

Mr. Heffernan: You’re Hailey.

Hagley: Yeah!

Mr. Heffernan: You’re not even sitting in the right desk.

Hagley: Yeah, I know, I was just testing you and you failed! But you’re not failing at getting my privates really sweaty! [Classroom cringes]

Mr. Heffernan: OK, that’s really not appropriate! Now if you’re Hailey, then what were we talking about before you went to the bathroom?

Hagley: Uh…I don’t know, penguins or some junk! Look, I’m gonna go to the bathroom again because I gotta barf! [Winks at camera and farts; exits room]

Mr. Heffernan: OK, I’m sorry about that, I’m gonna call down to the principle’s office and let them know there’s a weirdo wandering around.

Hailey: [Reenters] Hey, I hope I didn’t miss anything! [Winks at camera]

Mr. Heffernan: Actually, a very odd girl came in here pretending to be you.

Hailey: Oh don’t be silly, Mr. Heffernan, that was me. [Winks]

Mr. Heffernan: No…this person was noticeably fatter. And based on her one attempt at classroom participation, she was functionally illiterate.

Hailey: I think you were just looking at me from a different angle. [Winks]

Hagley: [Reenters] Hey, I’m back to learn your stupid class about garbage.[Winks] [Hailey and Hagley look at each other] Oh crap!

Hailey: Uh-oh! Two Haileys! Quick, let’s mix it up so they can’t tell who’s who! [Hailey and Hagley ciircle each other around while old hysteria music plays, until Hagley falls and breaks the teacher’s desk] Watch out! Stupid desk!

Mr. Heffernan: Okay, wait. Are you two trying to pass yourselves off as one student so you only have to do half the work?

Hailey and Hagley: Yes Mr. Heffernan/Hammermash.

Hailey: It’s Heffernan!

Hagley: Hammerman!

Hailey: Heffernan!

Hagley: Whatever! [Farts]

Mr. Heffernan: So you’re obviously the smart twin, and you must be…the athletic twin?

Hailey: No, that’s also me.

Mr. Heffernan: So what does she do?

Hagley: I’m good at crosswords.

Hailey: She means word search, and she’s not good at that either.

Hagley: No, crosswords!

Hailey: Oh right! She’s good at swearing.

Hagley: Ass right I am!

Mr. Heffernan: Has this plan ever worked?

Hailey: No…we just change schools ever day.

Mr. Heffernan: Wait, which one of you is the real Hailey?

Hailey: I guess you’ll never know. [Winks]

Hagley: It’s not me, my name is Hagley! [Winks, makes a longer farting noise this time; Hailey sighs, title screen shows up]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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