Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 7
Hailey Winters…..Amy Adams
Hagley Winters…..Kristin Wiig
Mr. Heffernan…..Bill Hader
Announcer: You’re watching ABC Family, because sometimes, regular ABC is just a little too in your face. Now, for the premiere of the 10th season of “Mirror Image!”
Theme song: They were two identical twins and they decided to pull a trick/They pretended to be the same person and only did half the work/Their plan was working perfectly, no one suspected a thing/But then they got to high school and one of them got fat! [Shows image of Hailey and Hagley standing at the same weight, then Hagley’s stomach getting larger] Mirror Image!
Mr. Heffernan: Everybody settle down! Settle down, please! Before we dive into the exciting world of Renaissance paintings, I’d like to welcome a new student to Totenville High school, Hailey Winters. [Hailey stands up and waves] Now, Hailey has skipped a grade, but despite her academic prowess, she also managed to win the equestrian championship and won top honor at the science fair, for her project, a cure for diabetes. Wow, Hailey, did I miss anything?
Hailey: I’d say you missed a career in male modeling.
Mr. Heffernan: [Blushes] Wow, that’s…very kind of you. I have to say, I don’t know how you pull it all off.
Hailey: I’ve been told I have the work ethic of two students. [Hailey winks at the camera with a toothy smile]
Mr. Heffernan: Well I’m sure you were able to finish that summer reading report. You do have that book report, right?
Hailey: Oh, right, the um…the book report. Could I just run to the bathroom?
Mr. Heffernan: You go right ahead.
Hailey: Thanks. I’ll be right back. [Hailey winks at the camera and walks out of the room]
Mr. Heffernan: OK, let’s open our textbooks to page 131, please. OK, as you all know…
Hagley: [Walks in the room with a padded stomach] Hey, sorry I took so long in the bathroom. I had to pee so much the whole bowl overflowed. Here’s my report.
Mr. Heffernan: Uh…excuse me, who are you, and what are you doing here?
Hagley: What do you mean? I’m Hailey Winters! And I’m here to learn about [Trying to pronounce Renaissance Paintings] Ray…nay…sounce pantines.
Mr. Heffernan: You’re Hailey.
Mr. Heffernan: You’re not even sitting in the right desk.
Hagley: Yeah, I know, I was just testing you and you failed! But you’re not failing at getting my privates really sweaty! [Classroom cringes]
Mr. Heffernan: OK, that’s really not appropriate! Now if you’re Hailey, then what were we talking about before you went to the bathroom?
Hagley: Uh…I don’t know, penguins or some junk! Look, I’m gonna go to the bathroom again because I gotta barf! [Winks at camera and farts; exits room]
Mr. Heffernan: OK, I’m sorry about that, I’m gonna call down to the principle’s office and let them know there’s a weirdo wandering around.
Hailey: [Reenters] Hey, I hope I didn’t miss anything! [Winks at camera]
Mr. Heffernan: Actually, a very odd girl came in here pretending to be you.
Hailey: Oh don’t be silly, Mr. Heffernan, that was me. [Winks]
Mr. Heffernan: No…this person was noticeably fatter. And based on her one attempt at classroom participation, she was functionally illiterate.
Hailey: I think you were just looking at me from a different angle. [Winks]
Hagley: [Reenters] Hey, I’m back to learn your stupid class about garbage.[Winks] [Hailey and Hagley look at each other] Oh crap!
Hailey: Uh-oh! Two Haileys! Quick, let’s mix it up so they can’t tell who’s who! [Hailey and Hagley ciircle each other around while old hysteria music plays, until Hagley falls and breaks the teacher’s desk] Watch out! Stupid desk!
Mr. Heffernan: Okay, wait. Are you two trying to pass yourselves off as one student so you only have to do half the work?
Hailey and Hagley: Yes Mr. Heffernan/Hammermash.
Hailey: It’s Heffernan!
Hagley: Whatever! [Farts]
Mr. Heffernan: So you’re obviously the smart twin, and you must be…the athletic twin?
Hailey: No, that’s also me.
Mr. Heffernan: So what does she do?
Hagley: I’m good at crosswords.
Hailey: She means word search, and she’s not good at that either.
Hagley: No, crosswords!
Hailey: Oh right! She’s good at swearing.
Hagley: Ass right I am!
Mr. Heffernan: Has this plan ever worked?
Hailey: No…we just change schools ever day.
Mr. Heffernan: Wait, which one of you is the real Hailey?
Hailey: I guess you’ll never know. [Winks]
Hagley: It’s not me, my name is Hagley! [Winks, makes a longer farting noise this time; Hailey sighs, title screen shows up]