Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 7
Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s Smokehouse and Outpatient Surgical Facility
Written by: Colin Jost, Rob Klein
Dr. Uncle Jimmy…..Will Forte
Customer 1…..Kenan Thompson
Customer 2…..Bill Hader
Ellen Pompeo…..Amy Adams
[ open on stock footage of surgery being performed at a hospital ]
Announcer: Everyone knows that the number one problem in America is the rising cost of health care…[ dissolve to footage of barbecue sauce being applied to ribs on a fiery barbecue pit ]
Announcer: And the number two problem is the absence of a delicious, affordable, authentic barbecue experience. Well, finally, you can solve BOTH problems with one location. That’s right! It’s Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s Smokehouse and Outpatient Surgical Facility! On Route 13![ dissolve to Dr. Uncle Jimmy standing at the center of a room in which a doctor performs surgery on a patient, and patrons chew on barbecue ]
Dr. Uncle Jimmy: Hi! I’m Dr. Uncle Jimmy, and welcome to Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s Smokehouse and Outpatient Surgical Facility. Since early 2007, then stopping in mid-2007, then resuming in early 2008… we’ve serve up the tastiest wings and the fastest colonoscopy this side of Jasper, Arkansas! I should know. I spent my entire life refining my unique brand of barbecue sauce. [ he holds up a bottle ] And I spent nearly three semesters at a once-accredited medical college in the Carribbean, learning what were then considered modern surgical procedures.
At Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s Smokehouse and Outpatient Surgical Facility, you’ll enjoy: [ the words come on screen as he says them ] Memphis-Style Beef Ribs… Homemade Coleslaw… Cyst and Wart Removal… Mama’s Mac n’ Cheese… Lasik Eye Surgery… Hickory Baked Beans… Refitting a Big Toe as a Thumb… Our Famous Mississippi Mud Pie… and Vasectomies.
But don’t take MY word for it! Just ask two of our paying customers![ cut to two customers sitting back-to-back among the booths ]
Customer 1: Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s is like an old-fashioned cookout at one of them dead bodies exhibits.
Customer 2: I mean, sure you could find a better barbecue, or a safer surgical experience.[ cut back to Dr. Uncle Jimmy ]
Dr. Uncle Jimmy: And the critics love it, too! [ newspaper headlines appear ] We won Official Applicant at the 2007 St. Louis Cookout… And my attempt for the most hernia repairs in twenty-four hours has drawn the attention of the Guiness Book of World Records, as well as the Arkansas State Medical Review Board. … “They’re performing surgery at a barbecue restaurant,” raves the Jasper City Police Report.
Or, take it from another sort-of doctor — television’s Ellen Pompeo!
Ellen Pompeo: [ obviously reading from cue cards ] Hello. You know, I play a doctor on TV, but Dr. Uncle Jimmy doesn’t play around when it… comes to serving… tender, juicy brisket… [ she stops ] Oh, my — oh, my God, is this an ad for a barbecue hospital?!
Dr. Uncle Jimmy: [ shifting his eyes ] Maybe?
Ellen Pompeo: You told me this was a fundraiser for MS.
Dr. Uncle Jimmy: Well, yeah! If “MS” means “Multiple Sauces”!
Ellen Pompeo: Oh, my God… how could the government let this happen?[ Uncle Jimmy slips to the rear of the room to join a doctor performing surgery in the corner ]
Dr. Uncle Jimmy: Soooo, uh… well, come on back, with Dr. Uncle Jimmy! Look — this guy liked it!
Patient: [ smiling ] Hey! I hope those aren’t my ribs![ the patient and the doctor share the laugh together ]
Dr. Uncle Jimmy: And don’t forget the house rules: [ he holds up an IV bag ] If it’s in a bag, it’s blood… [ holds up a second bag ] unless it’s one of our new barbecue basting bags! Mmm, mmm! That makes me wish that I had… [ reads the patient’s chart ] “drug-resistant staph infection.” [ he hangs the barbecue bag next ot the patient ] Oh, yeah!
Patient: [ expressing concern ] Hey, is that the right bag?
Dr. Uncle Jimmy: Well, either way — you’re going home happy![ the doctor quickly replaces the barbecue bag with the IV bag ]
Dr. Uncle Jimmy: So come on down to Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s, on Route 13!